Divorce is a time of crisis: “a dangerous opportunity”. It is an opportunity to find out that you’re stronger than you think you are. Though individual circumstances vary greatly from one divorce situation to another, you have a choice in how you respond to divorce. As with all difficult and painful life transitions, this familiar adage applies to divorce “You can become bitter or you can become better.”

Finding Strength Through A Divorce:

1-Redefine

Going through a divorce requires redefinition of yourself, your family, your relationships, your life. It’s a time for honest self-reflection: a time to look inside of yourself and shift your views to accommodate the many life changes you’re going through.

Ask yourself:

Who am I without the marriage and the role of “wife”?

What were my contributions to the demise of the marriage?

What can I learn from this experience that will make me a stronger person?

2-Refocus

Divorce is a time to take inventory of what matters most to you. If you’re children have become less of a priority during the stress of the divorce process, recommit to investing more in your relationship with them. If you’ve given up a hobby or interest during your marriage, pick it up again. If spirituality is important to you, recommit to investing in your connection with God.

Ask yourself:

What aspects of life are most important to me?

What areas of life do I want to focus on now?

Am I investing my time and energy into who and what I value most?

3-Redesign

The end of a relationship that one or both of you didn’t want will free up energy to invest in other parts of your life. Though it’s scary to explore the uncharted territory of life as a single person, try actively taking risks to get out or your comfort zone. A former therapy client decided to go back to school and get her MBA after she divorced, a dream that she’d put on hold when she married.

Ask yourself:

Who do I want to become?

What am I most passionate about?

What are some activities that will get me out of my comfort zone and expose me to new people and experiences?

How do you find strength through difficult times? Feel free to post your comment below.

The topic of forgiveness has cropping up frequently in many conversations this week: women’s workshops, individual or couple therapy sessions, and casual conversations. What is forgiveness anyway? At first, forgiveness seems like a simple and straightforward concept. But on second thought, it is not easy to understand, and it’s even harder to practice. We’re all in the same boat: we will all offend and be offended during this life and will struggle to seek and offer forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is an evolving concept. As a child it meant that when a friend apologized and said, “sorry for taking your toy” that I should continue to play with them.  During adolescence, forgiveness meant being nice and pretending that I wasn’t resentful, angry, or hurt.  At this point in my life I find the most helpful definition of forgiveness is to give up resentment or to cease to feel resentment (thank you Webster’s). I love this definition because it helps clarify 2 stages of the forgiveness process:

1)  feeling resentment
2) ceasing to feel resentment

It’s tempting to try and skip the first step – “the feeling part” – and jump to the “cease to feel” step.  A lot of the forgiveness work that I help clients with in therapy is allowing the FEELINGS to be experienced. You can’t give up something that you don’t have.

Common Questions on Forgiveness

No. I can’t think of one instance of deep hurt in my own life where I have forgotten the event. Forgiveness is about letting go of the emotional charge of the event, not the memory of it.

No. It is possible to cease to feel resentment toward another and still choose to not have a relationship with him or her for various reasons ranging from personal preference to protecting self or family from serious harm.

No. In the case of childhood abuse, I have often heard families throughout my years of therapy practice use the concept of forgiveness to silence the abused family member and prevent them from expressing the negative emotions about the impact of their abuse.  “He’s been forgiven. Why do you have to keep bringing it up? It was so long ago.”  Forgiveness does not eliminate the long term consequences of abuse for the victim.   

Forgiveness is a Personal Process

My own experiences with forgiveness has taught me that to forgive is usually a process rather than an event, that it is a process of working through hurt and pain, and that it is ultimately a gift to ourselves. It is the gift of emotional and spiritual freedom by no longer allowing someone’s behavior, words, or attitudes to smother our growth. I’ve heard it said that lack of forgiveness and holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

The following lyrics were born out of my wrestle with the forgiveness process…

Out of Jail (lyrics by Julie de Azevedo)

It’s time I let you out of jail
In my mind in my mind
It’s time I let you out of jail
You may not know it
But you’ve done time
You’ve done time

I’m tired of leaning against this door
And screaming all the things that you’re in for
I’m tired of holding shut the gate
My hands are worn and I can’t escape

It’s time I let you out of jail
In my chest in my chest
Bound in angry iron chains
It’s high time I took a breath
And got some rest

I’m tired of seeing the world through bars
I’m tired of being a prison guard
Wearing armor and wielding swords
I’m calling truce on this one way war

It’s time I let you out of jail
So I speak so I speak
Forgive me

It’s time I let you out of jail
In my mind in my mind
It’s time I let you out of jail
You may not know it
But we’ve done time 

Download “Out Of Jail” in iTunes

I’d love to hear your thoughts about forgiveness. Feel free to leave your comments in the comment box below (your email address will NOT be posted with your comment).

It’s that time of year. The time when “To Do” lists get pulled out and we add to them our resolutions for the New Year. Too frequently though, by February 1, our list of good intentions has been relegated to the junk drawer due to failed attempts and we’re left feeling down on ourselves or worse yet—guilty for what we didn’t do. But, what if the answer to avoiding the guilt was to simplify and not make a “To Do” list?

You’re probably asking yourself, “How can you reach a New Year’s resolution if you don’t write it down? Isn’t that the first rule of goal setting?” Well don’t panic. Writing down things to do and ways to improve can be a helpful tool in becoming who you want to be. But the trouble with “To Do” lists is not that we use them, it’s how we use them.

Read the rest of the article online (turn to digital pg. 18)

Let me know what you think! What are your New Year’s Resoutions?

Women often complain about their husband’s lack of help or enthusiasm for the holiday preparations. Husband’s are often puzzled about why wives get so stressed out about shopping, decorating, and baking. Here’s why women get stressed and solutions to get your man to help with the festivities.

1-Women feel responsible for the “intangibles” of family life (e.g. maintaining relationships, fulfilling family expectations, setting mood & tone, giving meaning to family traditions, a sense that they are adding value)

Get your man to help by…Sharing what your holiday traditions mean to you. (“It’s important to me to keep in touch with friends and family through sending yearly Christmas cards.” “Baking cookies reminds me of holidays with my grandmother and helps me feel connected to her.”)

 2-Women want to fulfill their own & other’s expectations

Get your man to help by… listening to your husband’s feedback that challenges your assumptions about the way things “should be”. Allow your spouse to help you find more realistic expectations. (“Maybe we don’t need to send out Christmas cards every year. Maybe every other year would be fine.” “Do we really have to make homemade gifts for the entire neighborhood?”)

3-Women feel like they should be able to “do it all” & have difficulty asking for help

Get your man to help by… Ask for help directly, specifically, & with a time frame. ( “Will you help put labels on the Christmas cards by the end of the weekend?” “Will you be in charge of buying gifts for Brooke & Darin this year?” )