Your browser (Internet Explorer 7 or lower) is out of date. It has known security flaws and may not display all features of this and other websites. Learn how to update your browser.
Q: I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to formulate my thoughts into a paragraph but I can’t do it so I’m just going to list feeling as they come to mind.
1. I feel nothing on a regular basis. For example if I got a call saying that my mother died, I don’t think I would even cry.
2. I’m irritable beyond belief. If someone asks me to do something I get pissed for them even asking me.
3. I’m not suicidal, but I constantly question why I’m living and try to come up with reasons to continue on.
4. I don’t see people as individuals. I see everyone as a mammal, which leads me back to number 3.
5. I want to ask my parents, or anyone for help, but I’m afraid of being laughed at.
6. I don’t even try to interact with girls. I’m not homosexual at all, I’m still attracted to girls, but the effort I need to put in to get an outcome is unbalanced. Read more
Q: I am a 17 year old High School student and I have felt this conflict my entire life, but only now can I ignore it no longer.
Amidst all of the discussion about college and ‘finding the right fit,’ I have realized that the major internal problem I have is that I lack an identity, lack interests, lack emotions, and therefore have trouble with social interaction. I am hopelessly apathetic at heart, and I don’t know how to reconcile the true ‘me’ with the image others expect–that of a ‘normal’ person who has passions and desires. I care about nothing–not politics or current events, not my friends or family or other people, not sports or music or art. Outwardly, I am a high-achieving, well-rounded student. I do well in every subject and participate in a variety of extracurricular activities, some of which I hold leadership positions in. However, none of them truly interests me, and I only continue them to get into college. Nothing ‘outside’ school much concerns me either. The various problems of society don’t matter to me, even when I’m affected. Occasionally a particularly poignant tragedy or example will make feel like helping out, but on the whole, I am completely apathetic. The same goes for the social aspects of my life. My childhood, family, and friendships were and are normal, but I do not have emotional connections to anyone; if somebody ‘close’ to me died, I would only be concerned with how it would affect my own convenience. I don’t have any academic, athletic, or arts-related interests either, and I do not believe the problem is lack of exposure. The only things I like to do are things that make me forget my existence and consciousness–playing games or reading a book or watching television, but the appreciation I have for those things is completely aesthetic and surface-level.
Left alone, I would be fine with this situation and content with engaging myself in passive activities for the rest of my life. However, society demands interaction. I sometimes have difficulty projecting the ‘right’ appearance in conversations and social interactions because I never feel anything (happiness at a friend’s success, sadness at someone’s death, gladness when someone praises me). Most days I do not have trouble interacting with people, but the times when I ‘mess up’ cause me great consternation because I am somewhat of a perfectionist and do not want people to think of me badly. I do not believe I have a social disorder because I understand what people mean and what kind of reaction to give–I just cannot act out that reaction because I do not truly feel it and I do not have enough acting prowess to express that emotion believably. People occasionally comment that my expression is too serious (that’s my default expression–blankness that is misinterpreted as seriousness, sadness, etc.), that I do not smile–in fact, I barely move, because I have trouble acting out body language as well even though I know what the proper response is. The emotions I do feel in social interactions are solely derived from self-consciousness–did I smile enough just then? Do I look relaxed? Most of all, do I look NORMAL? This kind of nervousness impedes my acting and therefore my daily interactions. Because I want to look what ‘normal’ is in any situation, I project different personalities to different people, causing conflicts when I deal with them together. I cannot just ‘let things go’ and be who I am–silent, still–in public; I want to look normal, but I can’t seem to force my body to comply.
What should I do? I want to make my social interactions normal so that I can live more conveniently–’conveniently’ in this case means in a state where my physical needs are attended to and I am left alone and not thought about much by others, where I fit in, so that when alone I can drown myself in fiction and escapist activities. If I have a disorder or psychological problem with this lack of emotions–perhaps a refusal to recognize them?–I want to be able to deal with it. However, I don’t think I could deal with speaking to a counselor in real life because my guard would always be up, always trying to act and never expressing what I truly mean. I won’t be trite and say that I am spiraling down into darkness, but this problem truly does bother me.
A: It sounds extremely exhausting to be constantly on guard worrying about the appropriateness of your social interactions, especially when your internal state doesn’t match your behavior.
I’m so glad that you are reaching out for help to find your way through this confusing situation. Yes, it does sound like there is a problem going on, either psychologically or medically. I recommend that you seek help from a counselor to get an evaluation, and to get a thorough physical exam from a physician. There are many medical and mental illnesses that can cause the blank feelings that you’re describing and the feeling of disconnection and despair. While I can’t diagnose you based on an email, the emptiness that you are describing sounds like severe depression. To learn more about the symptoms and treatment for different types of depression click here.
You mentioned that you’re not sure you can put your guard down with a counselor, but keep in mine that psychotherapists are trained to help you lower your guard over time, to help you get to the root of the problem, and to help you develop skills to live a more fulfilling life. Additionally, a therapist can help you resolve any life events or relationship problems that may have contributed to shutting down your emotions and help you to reconnect with who you are, how you feel, and what you want.
I have seen many clients in my clinical practice develop the disconnection that you are describing after experiencing trauma or loss as a way of protecting themselves against further pain. If you need help finding a good therapist in your area click the Find Help link on PsychCentral. Don’t wait. Life and relationships can be much more rewarding than what you are currently experiencing and there are many, many resources available to help you. Please let your parent, guardian, or school counselor know that you need help so they can support you and help you.
I urge you to get professional help so you can reconnect to your emotions and find joy and fulfillment in your life.
Hi. At last I have found one good place to open up myself. I’m going through the very common quarter life crisis… And I’m really confused.
A little of background about me. I’m from India and 26 old. As typical orthodox family in India my parents started seeing for marriage proposals. During the same time I started liking a friend in my office. It was around after 3 months I felt within very strong feeling towards him. I proposed to him but he was not ready for commitment. I decided to wait for him and be friends with him. But after that he happened to meet a gal and she fell in love with him and proposed him too. Things went worse in my life – seeing her being and mad about him. After 2 and half yrs. he decided to go ahead with other gal and coincidentally my parent were able to find a good marriage proposal at the same time. He got married to other gal and i went ahead with my parents. After this, the marriage proposal also didn’t go well, as I found the guy to be very rude and never understanding me. I decided to quit it and conveyed to my parents, and after a lot of discussions, my parents dropped it.
During all these tough time in life I had a very good friend who supported me and understood me and cared for me a lot who proposed me for marriage as well but I never had any feelings for him more than as a friend. I’m really confused what I should do. I always wanted my life partner to be as a good friend and lover and I’m not sure whether my feelings would change towards him. Any guidance?? Please help me. I’m really worried to go ahead with my parents marriage proposal again. I don’t like anyone in my life now.
A: What a difficult situation you’re in. While I am unfamiliar with the cultural norms of arranged marriages in India, I do know that it’s painful to have a man you love choose to marry someone else. If I’m understanding your question correctly, you’re wondering if you should marry your “good friend” with the hope that romantic feelings develop, or if you should go ahead with the arranged marriage with to a man who doesn’t treat you well. A man who treats you poorly during courtship is likely to continue to mistreat you after marriage. If your parents agreed to “drop” the arranged marriage after you shared your concerns with them, then I suggest you let go of that relationship for good and seek out other options for marriage.
There is a third option I’d like to suggest and that is to not move forward with either option. Please take some time and figure out what you value most in your life and what you want in your relationships. The decision to marry is one of the biggest and far-reaching decisions you’ll ever make. You may want to consider continuing to date your “very good friend” nonexclusively and see if any deeper feelings develop, while you continue to meet other people. While romantic feelings can develop over time, there’s no guarantee that they will. Since it seems that your parents responded to your concerns before, I encourage you to consult them again and ask for their help in finding other men to court.
Q: I have childhood onset bipolar disorder and have been in therapy, on and off, for many years. I have been seeing my psychiatrist for three years now and approximately one year ago, I started seeing him weekly for therapy sessions as well as med management. Over the past several months, I have been having really strong feelings for him. I know this is common in therapist/client relationships, but I think of him constantly in erotic ways.
I am terrified to share with him the feelings I have for him. There was a great deal of male abandonment/rejection in my childhood and I still struggle tremendously with those events. Coupled with the fact that I have so much self-hatred for myself, I fear that if I tell him about my feelings for him, that he will abandon me also. I cannot deal with anymore rejection in my life.
Please note that my psychiatrist is extremely professional and there are obvious boundaries in our therapeutic relationship, yet he is also very caring and sensitive to my thoughts and feelings. I have been able to share things with him that have never been shared with anyone. Yet I am so conflicted as to whether or not I should share my feelings/erotic fantasies for him.
A: Thanks for reaching out for advice on how to deal with this painful dilemma.
I can feel how much you respect your psychiatrist and how meaningful it has been to you to have a safe place to share your deepest thoughts, feelings, and experiences. As you said, it is not uncommon to have sexual feelings toward your psychotherapist, especially if this is the first time you’ve felt emotionally safe and nurtured by a male.
While it would be a huge risk to share these intense feelings with your psychiatrist, I encourage you to do so. It sounds like he has proven to be very skilled, professional, and helpful to you in your therapy so far, so hold on to your positive experiences with him in order to muster up the courage to bring up your feelings in an upcoming session. Start slowly and start with sharing generalities, just like you’ve shared in your email to me. You can share your feelings without sharing all of the details of your fantasies. The ability to work through your erotic feelings for your psychiatrist with him, and to experience his continued support and acceptance may allow you to reach a new level of healing.
My boyfriend and I dated for four months. After we first broke up, we started talking again. We talked for three months. Then I found out that the reason why he broke up with me was because he liked my sister.
I was really hurt, but I still talked to him because I really, really cared about him. I could forgive him even if he liked my sister.
Another month passes by and we are still talking to each other. Then one night, I confront him about him liking my sister. He said that he used to get a feeling when he was around my sister, but he doesn’t get it anymore. He told me that he really cared about me now. I forgave him.
After another month, we went for a second shot at our relationship. We lasted for another 3 months. He broke up with me on a text.
After my relationship with him, I’ve become a really jealous person of my sister. I don’t like to have the same guy friends as her. I don’t like her talking to my guy friends. I don’t like her hanging out with me. I like to keep my life separate for hers now. I need to get over my jealousy issue with my sister.
Please help me.
A: Your jealousy toward your sister is certainly understandable given your ex-boyfriend’s attraction to her, but your intense jealousy is misplaced.
Your ex is the one who hurt you, not your sister. I think you’re pushing your sister away to avoid getting hurt again, but it’s not going to work. Some guys will like you and others will like your sister. As long as you’re focused on keeping your sister away from all of your male friends you’ll stay stuck in the jealousy instead of learning how to move on in a healthy way after a relationship breakup.
Feeling hurt and betrayed after a breakup is normal, and the fact that your boyfriend broke up with you via text doesn’t say much about his character. When you feel the jealousy toward your sister coming up, identify it for what it is — hurt and fear. I think that the real question is why would you choose to get back together with a guy who told you he had feelings your sister? I recommend that you focus less on your sister and more on building your own feelings of self-worth so you can feel deserving of a relationship with someone who wants to be with you.
Q: Hello, this is the last place I can go to… I can’t go to my sister because she is in my “friend’s†side. I hope someone can help me before this issue gets me more depressed than I already am; dealing with the right university, and money issues.
Today after my sister; Jannie, had returned home she told me that she needed to have a serious talk with me. Jannie had said that her and my friends; Carrie and Martha, had been talking about me. I had asked about what already knowing that this was going somewhere bad. You see Martha and I are close friends and we had our share fights in the past, one fight includes me telling her a secret and her exposing it to everyone so, I had an issue with trusting her with things.
Basically, Jannie had told me that they were talking about how I changed throughout high school and how I was acting more of a b*%#h; excuse my language. I defending myself by saying that I go to a high school in New York and I can’t be how I was in middle school; a pushover, shy, anti-social, but now it’s time to confront my friends. I want to tell them that they are being hypocritical, especially Martha.
She complains too much but claims she doesn’t, tends to throw things into peoples faces; not literally, but claims she is not like that, and lastly the one I dislike most, pretends not to talk about people but later on talks about other people behind their back. My sister always tends to agree with my “friends†instead of me and Carrie, she thinks I changed because I have more “attitudeâ€. I think I know the reason for that; I had a bad day and got into a fight and accidentally gave her an attitude.
I don’t know how to confront them and this stress is killing me, with all the other things going on in my life, I feel as if I just can’t take it anymore… Help me with this issue in the least as I will try to work out the rest.
A: Thank you for reaching out for help during this stressful time in your life. I hear that you’re feeling really alone and you’re trying to make sense of the feedback your sister and your friends are giving you.
It’s natural to feel guarded and to protect your feelings when you feel attacked and betrayed. The fact that you’re in a time of transition and making big life decisions like schooling and finances is extremely stressful.
Part of this transition to adulthood is that you’re trying to figure out who you want to be. You don’t want to be a pushover like you used to be, so you’re trying to take a stronger stand. It may be difficult for your friends and sister to know how to handle the changes you’re trying to make. You may also be coming off harsher than you think as you try to find the middle ground.
Here are a few concrete suggestions to help you manage your emotions and sort through your relationship with your sister and your friends:
1. Instead of seeing them as a group “against†you, try to talk with them individually.
2. Ask them to come to you directly with their concerns instead of talking with each other about you.
3. Write down 3 things: the difficult feelings you have for each one of them, the positive feelings you have toward them, and why having a close relationship with them is so important to you.
4. Talk with a counselor or psychotherapist. Ask your parent, your school counselor, or other trusted adult to help you find someone to talk to coach you through these relationship struggles.
Q: I’m a student receiving my Master’s degree. Within the past two years I’ve felt my body and mind change significantly in many ways.
I feel extremely anxious when doing tasks (even small ones like packing/unpacking a suitcase). This is the same with grocery shopping or attempting my homework. I then push everything aside and get nothing done. My habits of cleanliness such as my apartment have declined because I refuse to motivate myself to clean. I’ll find myself in the kitchen then in the bedroom for some reason the randomly in the bathroom, ultimately accomplishing nothing. I get distracted by TV a lot and it impedes my homework. I also feel pressured on what to do when I finish my masters and feel like I’m too lackadaisical to even search for jobs. My relationship with my boyfriend is also affected by this in that I’ll freak out on him, refuse sex, and find him at the mercy of which high or low I’ll be on. I’ll also find myself drinking and smoking cigarettes more often to avoid doing work or tasks. I feel like I have adult ADD due to these symptoms and have spoken with my mother, who revealed she believes she has it as well but was never properly diagnosed. I would like to know what to do and what would happen if I see a psychiatrist.
A: Next time you talk with your mom ask her if she recalls you having similar attention problems in elementary school.
While your symptoms do sound a lot like adult ADD, it’s important to determine whether you experienced these symptoms during childhood or whether they are new. If all of your symptoms are recent, it’s very unlikely that you have ADD. If they’ve been going on for years, it’s more likely that you have have ADD.
There are other possible explanations for your recent changes in your behavior and emotions. Depression or anxiety disorders often emerge in young adulthood and symptoms are similar to what you’re describing – difficulty concentrating, irritability, lack of motivation. ADD is often associated with other mental health conditions as well, so there may be a combination of issues that you’re struggling with.
Your idea about getting an evaluation by a psychiatrist is right on target! An evaluation will provide a clear diagnosis and suggest course of treatment to help you manage your symptoms. Your doctor will likely recommend medication or psychotherapy, or a combination of both.
If you’ve never had a psychiatric or mental health evaluation, it’s natural to be a little nervous because you have no idea what to expect. When you set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, he or she might give you some questionnaires to fill out before the appointment. During your appointment he or she will perform an in-depth interview with you. Medical or psychological testing may also be recommended. In addition to your evaluation and psychotherapy, you and your boyfriend may want to consider couples counseling to help repair any damage to your relationship.
You are in a stressful time of life full of transitions and important decisions – graduate school, serious relationships, career choices. These can be exciting and incredibly stressful. Make sure you’re taking care of your basic needs by getting adequate sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular recreation and exercise. No matter what your diagnosis, all of these lifestyle choices will help you manage your symptoms and will contribute to your overall health and happiness.
I always push away good women and have trouble letting go of the women who hurt me. I feel the need to seek approval and love from women who don’t return the love.
A: What a painful dynamic to be dealing with.
I’m guessing that you might even feel like you’ll never have your love and safety needs met in relationships. While I don’t know your history, I can guess that this pattern likely has roots in an important early relationship in which your needs for safety, love, and nurturing were not met, or where you were physically or emotionally abandoned, abused or neglected. I have seen this pattern in my clinical practice over and over again, so I want to reassure you that you are not alone in feeling stuck in a pattern of seeking unhealthy relationships.
Our earliest attachments to our parents or guardians provides a template for our future relationships, especially when it comes to our sexual relationships. It is likely that your current pattern with lovers is an extension of an earlier pattern where you experienced yourself as undeserving of love and nurturing and you internalized feelings of shame (“I’m badâ€). Please seek psychotherapy to help you identify and resolve this painful pattern and discover how lovable you really are. Through psychotherapy you can work to resolve any childhood wounds or unhealthy patterns that are getting in the way of you giving and receiving love. To find a therapist in your area who can help you please click on the Find Help link at the top of the page and look for some one with experience in trauma and family of origin issues. I have seen many clients heal from this destructive relationship patterns and go on to have fulfilling relationships, so I have hope that you can too.
Since I work with so many religious clients I was delightful to participate in this interview on the topic of God in Therapy with CR & Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC who host the Therapy Soup Blog. Here’s the first Q & A in the interview titled “God in Therapy: Songwriter & Psychotherapist Julie Hanks Shatters Stereotypes.”
Q: “We’re the first to say our own view may be somewhat limited due to lack of exposure and we don’t want to fall guilty of stereotyping, so can you reflect a bit on Mormon culture in general?
A: Unfortunately, much of the media coverage on “Mormon†extremists, like Warren Jeffs for example, aren’t actually even Mormon and in no way represent Mormon culture or lifestyle.
Most practicing Mormon’s are fiercely dedicated to taking care of their families. They also generously donate time and resources, are conscientious community members, and genuinely trying to make the world better.”
