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Adults may think crushes are silly, even superficial. But to a child, a first crush is a big deal. Therapist, Julie Hanks, LCSWÂ has “do’s” and “don’ts” to help you handle your child’s first crush.
1) Watch for signs
First crushes generally happen in elementary school between 5-10 years old. Even if your child doesn’t tell you directly that they have a crush, you might see the signs: giggling with friends, being mean to or teasing the child they like, or planning a special gift.
2) Get curious
This is a great opportunity to understand more about your child and to begin help them explore their preferences and values. Ask your child open ended questions like: “Tell me more about Kate…” “How does John feel about you?” or “What is it that makes her special to you?”
3) Never tease
Feelings of affection are the beginnings of attraction that will lead to meaningful relationships in the future. Talk about feelings of infatuation in a positive light, as a wonderful thing. Never tease or make fun of your child’s crush.
4) Set boundaries
Your child’s first crush is a great time to start a dialogue about appropriate physical and emotional boundaries, especially if your child is in older elementary school. Discussions on showing physical affection, spending time together, texting are all important things to start talking about.
5) Soothe hurt feelings
When first crushes are not reciprocated, it can be painful, even for children. This is an opportunity for you to teach your child that they are resilient and can move on after being hurt or disappointed.
You may be hurting your child and not even know it. Therapist, Julie Hanks, says parents, especially moms, unintentionally use their kids to meet their emotional needs. We have the warning signs.
· All of these apply to all ages of children as well as adult children
· In my practice, this is the most common unintentional way that parents hurt their children.
· Children generally don’t even realize that this dynamic has contributed to their current distress.
· In my clinical practice this is more common with mothers & children than fathers, but does happen with fathers.
Call it every mom’s nightmare – when their little girl gets a hold of the scissors and chops off their long locks. So how do you deal with that dramatic parenting situation? We asked Studio 5 Contributor Julie Hanks LCSW her reaction when her 5-year-old daughter did this a few days ago, and what tips she has for parents.
Let your kids in on your own creative outlets. Whether it’s creating an online scrapbook, journal writing, floral arrangements, card making, playing flute, etc. My kids have grown up seeing me write songs and perform in concerts. Because I’ve continued to develop my creative side, from as young as 18 mos-2 yrs they’ll sit at the piano and scribble on a sheet of paper and bang on the piano keys while singing.
2) Have a variety of artistic mediums available
From polymer clay figurines to finger paints to play dough to a piano to colored pencils, have a variety of artistic mediums readily available and within reach of younger children. Encourage your child to explore his or her senses in the creative process by asking questions that help your child reflect on the process of creating. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to be creative. Focus on the process instead of the finished product.
3) Use a “broad brush” when defining creativity
Don’t limit creativity to the visual or performing arts. I encourage my children to use creativity in solving relationship problems, in school work, in expressions of gratitude, and in how they approach any type of problem. Creativity is a way to approach life, not only a finished “product” to display on the fridge.
If your child expresses anger, sadness, fear be sure to make fun of them, tell them not to feel, and dismiss their emotions. Withhold love whenever they express emotion, especially vulnerable feelings. Another tactic is to express more intense emotions than they are showing so they’ll stop feeling and focus on comforting you.
2) Set inconsistent rules
Never talk openly about your expectations for your child’s behavior. Make your child guess what the ground rules are and change them constantly. Be sporadic and unpredictable in giving consequences and punishment.
3) Ask your child to solve your problems
Share all of your worries, concerns, and relationship problems and ask them to solve it for you. Always present yourself as incapable of taking care of yourself and your child.
In his new book “The Sibling Effect”, Jeffrey Kluger says that whether they want to admit it or not, every parent has a favorite child. I think he’s right. A parent may naturally “click” with one child over another or may find one child easier to understand. What’s important is that parents to do what they can to work against playing favorites by celebrating each child’s strengths, seeking support and feedback from spouse or other adults to manage the internal struggle, and to refrain from comparing your children to each other.
I was recently asked to comment on favoritism in families on KSL TV news. Here’s the interview!
Did your parents have a “favorite” child? Do you secretly enjoy one of your own children over the others? Feel free to comment below or join in the conversation about playing favorites on my Facebook page!
Q: I’m a 25 year old male. I’ll just start off by saying that opening sentences take me sometimes hours to write (this one took ten minutes). The same goes for my life – I just can’t seem to get anything started: Job applications, writing routines, relationships with the opposite sex, you name it.
The only thing is, I usually succeed once I get started. So, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t get things moving. I graduated college almost a year ago and have only applied to about 5 different districts (I’m a state-certified English teacher) out of the hundreds in my state.
I also still live at home with my parents, and although they have threatened to kick me out, I usually find temporary work just in time to save myself. Although I used to get 95% of my college schoolwork done here, I can’t seem to get focused when it comes to applying for jobs or keeping in touch with love interests or former colleagues.
Home-wise, there’s no major problems. I’m comfortable here, and I don’t have to pay rent. I don’t always have the sense of independence I want, but I’ve learned how to deal with it, just like I have learned how to deal with sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety. I focus on something else. But I feel like it’s starting to get trapped inside, to a point where I will never be able to express myself. I feel like this will cause me to regret everything later in life.
The main thing is that I know exactly what I have to do in life to move forward, but I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t even have a logical explanation why – I just don’t. Same goes for relationships. I was talking to a female friend who I have liked for over a year, and we mentioned our feelings for each other because we’re currently seeing other people (so it was means for conversation). She asked if I had liked her, and I said yes. When she asked “Why didn’t you tell me?†My honest answer had to be “I’m at a point in life where I’m just not acting on anything.†Tension followed, and I felt a little regretful afterward, but then I told myself not to dwell on it. So, I don’t. I’m not really feeling anything about it right now – that has all passed.
Do you think that my outlook on life (not to dwell on my past) is affecting my future? I feel like the more I say the past doesn’t matter, the more I’ll act exactly like I have been, and I’ll only end up stuck. I want to be 100% independent, not because of man pride or anything, but because I’m ready to live my own life. How do I start?
A: Yes, I do think that your pattern of not examining the past IS affecting your future, but the real question is what are you most afraid of finding if you do look back and if you do feel? Are you afraid of failure? What is your biggest fear if you did openly express yourself to your parents? If you don’t have healthy ways to process emotions that come up in life they will likely build up over time and manifest in self-destructive ways. My guess is that this pattern is a large part of why you are feeling so paralyzed in your life.
Look for healthier ways to deal with your emotions. Consider journaling your feelings, joining a men’s therapy group, or talk with an individual therapist to help you get to the emotional root of why you’re feeling reluctant to start your adult life. Cultivate encouraging and supportive male friendships. Exercise to relieve stress, improve mood, and feel a sense of accomplishment and power. You mentioned that you don’t have the sense of independence that you want but you’ve “learned to deal with it.†Your sense of independence is paramount at this stage of life so I encourage you to foster that desire, not to relinquish it. It is important to take action, even if it’s clumsy and things don’t turn out perfectly. Ask out the woman that you’re interested in, send out 5 job applications every day, speak openly with your parents about your feelings, start paying them rent or pay them by contributing to the care of the home and yard. If usually feels better to act, even when you don’t feel like it, than to feel powerless in your own life.
I have a few questions about your parents. Why are your parents letting a capable 25-year-old adult son with a college education live in their home rent-free? Is it possible that they are enabling you to stay “stuck†at home because they are afraid of you leaving? Are you a buffer or a distraction that keeps them from dealing with marital problems? There may be some family issues contributing to your current dynamic. Again, consider seeking help from a therapist to help you understand and resolve your internal struggle and understand any family dynamics that may be adding to your difficulty “growing up.â€
Well, I’m 15 and I’m really sad because my brother always gets everything he goes and sees my dad and gets £30 or more of him every time he gets money for stuff as well everyday and when I go and see my dad all i get is a £5. My brother also got a xbox connect of my dad. I asked my dad for a xbox 360 and he said he has no money but he always gets my brother stuff and when my brother comes home he brags about it and I’m getting fed up of it. My birthday comes and all he gets me is a little ornament I don’t want to seem ungrateful its just he treats my brother different to me he should treat us both the same but he don’t. I think its favouritism.
A: I can see why you are so confused and sad about not being treated fairly by your father. Dads are the most important male figure in an adolescent daughter’s life. Consider talking with your dad about your hurt. Start by expressing gratitude to your dad for what he has provided for you. Then, gently call his attention to perceived differences in the way he treats you and your brother. Be sure to use “I†statements as much as possible and avoid using accusations like “you always…†and “you never…â€. An example of this is “Dad, I feel sad when you give my brother more money than you give to me because I’m afraid it means I’m not as important to you.â€
Another issue here is the competitive relationship with your brother. I can’t help but wonder what’s behind his bragging. It sounds like neither of you live with your dad, right? Do either of you have a fear of losing touch with your dad or of not being important to him? Is your brother exaggerating the gifts from dad so he feels more secure about dad’s love for him? I have more questions than answers here so feel free to write back.
It sounds to me like the core issue behind the money and gifts is your hurt and fear about not being as valuable to your dad. The first place to start is sharing those feelings with your dad and asking for reassurance of his love.
Thank you so much for writing in and asking for help. Please let me know how the conversation goes.
Need help finding clothes to fit your standards and her style? It’s just one of the challenges moms face when shopping with “Tweens” and teens. Here are my tips to help help you resolve your shopping struggles, before you hit the stores.
1) Money
Pam: “I would like to ask how I can make my daughter understand the difference between a $100 pair of jeans and a $50 or $25 pair of jeans and how to make money go farther?”
Tip – Give your daughter the cash
Decide on a budget and stick to it. Be concrete about it by using cash so your daughter can actually see and feel the money. This is a great way to allow her to make difficult choices to be accountable for her clothing selections.
2) Modesty
Shannon: “How do I tell my daughter that things she likes are too short or too tight for my taste?”
Pam: “In today’s society everything is cut so low…how do I help her shop more modestly?”
Tip – Let your school dress code be the “bad guy”
My kid’s school district dress code says shorts and skirts must be mid-thigh or longer, no midriffs or underwear showing, no spaghetti straps or tank tops. Along with consulting the dress code, before going shopping discuss what styles are off-limits, how your family defines modesty, and what is considered age-appropriate.
3) What’s Appropriate?
Kristen: “My question is…my daughter, who is eleven and a middle schooler, wears sweat pants and yoga pants to school. I want her to wear appropriate, nice looking clothes for school and still be comfortable”.
Tip – Explore the question, “What do you want your clothes to say about you?”
Moms, this is a great opportunity to discuss how appearance isn’t everything, it isn’t the source of value, but it does send an initial message about who you are. Help your daughter explore what characteristics, values, and traits she wants to convey.
4) When Should Tweens/Teens Shop Alone?
Leah: “How do I tell my mom I’d rather shop alone, not with her all the time?
Tip – Ask directly for what you want without complaining
Instead of saying, “Why do you always want me to shop with you?” or “When are you going to let me shop alone?” try “Mom, I’d like to spend some time shopping alone this year. Would you be ok with that?”
5) Differing Taste and Values
Jayden: “How do I help my mom understand that name brand things are actually important to me?”
Sydney: “It’s hard to find something that we both agree on. How do I get my mom to buy me what I want?”
Tip – Use empathy to find the middle ground
Daughters – remember that your mom really does want what’s in your best interest and has more life experience than you do. Mothers – you can develop more empathy by reflecting on when you were a teen, and how certain details (brands, styles) were very important. From a place of empathy you can find that middle ground instead of getting into a power struggle.
