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STORY Behind the song “Happily Ever After”

My husband I had  been married a couple of years when I realized that the honeymoon phase was over. Every fairy tale, every love story, and every marriage lesson in church ended with “and they lived happily ever after” and I felt ripped off that I hadn’t been fairly warned and felt unprepared for what comes after “happily ever after…”

This song was written to help me process the transition to a new phases of marriage where there are differences of opinion, hurts, disappointments and I found out that being married to real person instead of an idealized man is both refining and rewarding. Two months ago my prince an I celebrated our 22 wedding anniversary.

I had totally forgotten, until I looked at the lyrics & copyright information for this song, that the music was co-written with my dad, Lex.

LYRICS

Happily Ever After

Words:  Julie de Azevedo
Music:  Julie and Lex de Azevedo
For Jeff, my prince

How come the stories always end
With happily ever after
So we grow up not knowing what comes next
The lovely princess rides toward the sunset
With her charming prince
Well I’ll tell you where they went
They rode through disappointment
Waded through the tears
Lost in unknown forests
They battled darkest fears

Chorus
After happily ever after and all the smiles end
The partying and laughter have quieted
In the face of disasters
They conquer them (we’re conquering) together
After happily ever after true love begins

It seems that our story began
With happily ever after
Then suddenly reality set in
‘Cause this princess who is often selfish
Has a stubborn prince
Will we ever find it again
With firm determination
Hours of compromising
Faith and dedication
We continue climbing

Repeat Chorus
After happily ever after
And though we’re far from bliss
We’ll embrace our journey
‘Cause that’s what this life is

As we’re guided by the Master
We’re traveling together
After happily ever after true love begins
After happily ever after grows from within

(c) 1992 Embryo Records
From the CD “State of the Heart”

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Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a performing songwriter, a licensed psychotherapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Watch Julie on KSL TV’s Studio 5, listen on B98.7 radio, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central, and Latter-day Woman Magazine. Follow Julie on Facebook & Twitter.

It’s easy for couple’s emotional connection can get lost in the busyness of life. I recently interviewed for this SheKnows article with tips on how to keep your emotional relationship sizzling! Here’s a snippet of my advice…

Hanks also recommends that couples “check in” with each other on a daily basis. “Develop a daily emotional ‘check in’ ritual with your spouse or partner,” she explains. “Not only check in with their overall emotions, but specifically about your emotional connection. Do you feel close and open? Distant and withdrawn? Or somewhere in between?”

Read Stay Connected: Keep Your Marriage Emotionally HOT!

I had a great time last night on KSL Radio’s Nightside Project talking about this fun 1930′s spousal rating scale and how to rate your marriage today.

Listen to part 1 on women’s quiz (go to 37:00)

Listen to part 2 on men’s quiz

(scroll to the middle of the audio)

From the Good Men Project Blog

How do you rate your marriage in 2011? (your email will not be published)

Have you checked out this website She Knows? It’s a great resource for women! And…they quoted moi in this article today. Some good reminders to prioritize romance. Click the link below for some good advice!

7 Tips to help parents keep the spark alive

Is date night too much to ask?

Q: My husband and I spend most weekend evenings attending our children’s sporting events and never go out on dates. He says it’s because he wants to make sure we’re there to support our kids during this short time window of time before they grow up, but I’m feeling increasingly resentful, hurt, and neglected by him. What should I do?
(read my answer on pg. 17…)

I just don’t think about sex!

Q: After 10 years of marriage my husband complains that I don’t desire him physically. He feels hurt that I don’t initiate lovemaking and that I’m rarely “in the mood”. I love my husband, find him attractive, but sex rarely crosses my mind. Should I have sex even when I’m not in the mood?  (read my answer on pg 17…)

Can you relate? What advice would you give?

Here are the most read relationship and emotional health articles of 2010!

Have you read them? Please do and as always, I’d love your comments!

Confessions of a Multitasking Mama

Music and Mood: Musing from a Songwriter and Therapist

Making Wedding Anniversaries Meaningful

Boost Your Emotional Energy

Ask Julie: Sharing Difficult Feelings

Eat, Pray, Love…at Home

Simplify Your Day: The Art of Leaving Things Undone

Handling a Narcissistic Mother

You Again?: Moving Beyond High School Insecurities

All He Wants For Christmas Is You

Which one’s your favorite?

Listen to my latest podcast

All He Wants For Christmas Is You (episode 003)

I’m thrilled that Latter-day Woman Magazine invited me to write their “Love” article in their newly published Winter 2010 issue…

“Finding the perfect gift for your spouse is an exciting part of the holiday season. But fighting crowds to snag one of the latest must-have items and squeezing money out of a tight budget can make gift-giving stressful. While I wouldn’t mind a new iPad under the tree this year, (listening, Santa?) the best gifts are those that don’t require money, but require thought and time and emotional awareness.”

Read my tips on giving meaningful gifts of self…

Read Article online

Download PDF

What are you giving your spouse for Christmas?
What’s been the most meaningful gift you’ve ever received, and why?

Just published Wasatch Family Therapy’s October newsletter “Building Confidence”.

In this issue:

Boosting your spouse’s self-esteem

Warning signs of abusive relationships

Exercise & mental health

Moving beyond insecurities

Child Help: Resources to prevent and treat child abuse

Read Oct. Issue Online HERE

Watch for Wasatch Woman the 3rd Friday of each month as a special insert in the Salt Lake Tribune and the Deseret News!

How do YOU make your anniversary meaningful?

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares tips for making wedding anniversaries meaningful.

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More couples “tie the knot” during the summer months which means more couples are also celebrating wedding anniversaries at this time of year. Taking the time, effort, and forethought to create meaningful anniversary traditions helps to nurture your marriage and to keep the romance alive. Reflecting on the history of your early relationship, and recommitting to the promises you made on your wedding day increases the sense of emotional security and deepens the bonds of love. Here are a few tips to inspire you to make your wedding anniversary more meaningful.

REVIEW YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Discuss your expectations with your spouse. Decide who’s planning the celebration, what the budget is, and other important details. Don’t expect your husband or wife to read your mind, or to know what you’d like to celebrate your special day. It’s your responsibility to talk about you wishes to your spouse if there’s any chance they’ll come true.

Looking at this photo of our wedding over 21 years ago brings back amazing memories and wonderful emotions.

REQUEST A HOLIDAY

You take off time for holidays like Christmas and July 4th so why not take a day off for the most personal holiday, your anniversary? Get a baby sitter, request the day off of work and spend the day with your sweetheart. Even if you’re just running errands, going to lunch, or taking a nap, spend the day together.

Daniel & Debra Breitenstein take time off from work to celebrate their first anniversary at the Anniversary Inn.

RENEW YOUR COMMITMENT

Whether it’s a formal renewing of vows in a ceremony surrounded by family, a verbal expression over a candlelit dinner, or a handwritten love letter expressing your on-going commitment to your spouse, do something that reminds your spouse that you are wholeheartedly committed to your marriage and that you treasure him in your life.

Kevin & Laura Brotherson, married 19 years, renew their commitment by taking a photo on each anniversaries and display them in their home as proof of their on-going commitment to each other. Kevin & Laura are founders of Strengthening Marriage, Inc., www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.

WATCH MORE TV SEGMENTS HERE

READ JULIE’S ARTICLES HERE

Read the article online here…

Why She Hates It, Why You Do It & How To Make It A Non-issue

Have video games impacted your serious relationship?

How have you successfully managed game time vs. face to face time?

Feel free to post comments below (email address will be kept private)

Cultivating Sexual Desire in Marriage

Women’s Workshop
Wed. March 3, 2010
7:00-9:00PM
Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC Salt Lake City, UT

Join me for an evening of  enlightening lecture and dynamic small group discussion (women only) designed to help you:

Understand how men & women approach sex differently
Challenge negative beliefs about your body to increase confidence
Find practical ways to prioritize lovemaking
Decrease emotional barriers to physical intimacy
Expand your definition of wife to include more passion
Gain tools to better communicate your preferences and needs

For more details or to register CLICK HERE

Power Affairs: Why do men who have it all cheat? Watch News Clip

Why do you think people are willing to risk it all? Post comments below (email address will not be made public).

Identify Your Feelings, Thoughts, Needs

Before you can get comfortable expressing your inner experience with your husband, it’s important to get acquainted with your own inner life.  Ask yourself daily, “How am I feeling?”, “What am I thinking?”  & “What am I needing from my husband?” A helpful place to start in identifying your emotions is ask yourself which one of these 4 feeling words describes what’s going on inside:

happy     mad      sad      scared 

Knowing how you feel, what you think is the first step to developing the confidence to share the deeper parts of you with your husband.

Explore Family Patterns

Great job recognizing the impact of your family on your emotional tendency to hold things in and challenging yourself to express when it doesn’t come naturally to you. Since you didn’t learn the skills to express emotions and thoughts it may take some time to get comfortable sharing your inner experiences with your husband. Often we apply our family of origin relationship rules to our current relationships, whether or not they actually apply to the current situation. Ask yourself the following questions:

“How did my family manage intense emotion?”

“How does my reluctance to express myself make sense, given my life experience?”

“What am I afraid will happen if I speak up now, in my marriage?”

Revisit the Hurt

Once you’ve identified what’s going on inside of you, during a calm time sit down with your husband and revisit a time when he has said something that hurt you. This is not  an opportunity to prove him wrong, but to share your feelings with him when neither of you are emotionally escalated.  You might want to say something like, “Remember last week when we were talking about the money? I know we were both upset. I wanted to tell you that I felt hurt when you said that I my poor budegeting is the reason we are in debt. Can we talk more about that? I need you to hear how hurt I was and I want to understand better where you are coming from.” 

Trust Husband’s Positive Intent

Assuming your husband is a nice guy, he may be unintentionally saying hurtful  things to try and get ANY kind of emotional response from you to prove that you are still invested in marriage and that you still care about him. His jabs may be a way of trying to reach the deeper parts of you and to connect with you when you start to shut down emotionally.  If you have a pretty good relationship overall, it’s best to assume the best, instead of the worst, about your spouse’s intentions, even if it doesn’t appear that way on the surface. Hold on to his positive intent to help you gain even more courage to share more of yourself with him.

I welcome questions and comments about this topic. Please use the comment box below (your email address will not be made public).

Women often complain about their husband’s lack of help or enthusiasm for the holiday preparations. Husband’s are often puzzled about why wives get so stressed out about shopping, decorating, and baking. Here’s why women get stressed and solutions to get your man to help with the festivities.

1-Women feel responsible for the “intangibles” of family life (e.g. maintaining relationships, fulfilling family expectations, setting mood & tone, giving meaning to family traditions, a sense that they are adding value)

Get your man to help by…Sharing what your holiday traditions mean to you. (“It’s important to me to keep in touch with friends and family through sending yearly Christmas cards.” “Baking cookies reminds me of holidays with my grandmother and helps me feel connected to her.”)

 2-Women want to fulfill their own & other’s expectations

Get your man to help by… listening to your husband’s feedback that challenges your assumptions about the way things “should be”. Allow your spouse to help you find more realistic expectations. (“Maybe we don’t need to send out Christmas cards every year. Maybe every other year would be fine.” “Do we really have to make homemade gifts for the entire neighborhood?”)

3-Women feel like they should be able to “do it all” & have difficulty asking for help

Get your man to help by… Ask for help directly, specifically, & with a time frame. ( “Will you help put labels on the Christmas cards by the end of the weekend?” “Will you be in charge of buying gifts for Brooke & Darin this year?” )

It seems like the kids don’t sleep as soundly when he’s not here.  Both of our ”littles” got up a few times last night and crawled into bed with me. Maybe they feel a little less secure at night when he’s not home. Maybe that’s why I stay up late and sleep less soundly, and feel a little more weight on my shoulders for the welfare of my family. Though family is top priority, friends are the family you choose and even adults need playtime with friends!