I was abused as a child, have no sex drive and the one true love has left me (he doesn’t know about my childhood) I want to know if there is any hope for us at all-we never had sex often (twice in a year) he won’t discuss sex as he gets embarrassed and never ever made the 1st move, told me he loves me but not the way a boyfriend should? We both work long hours and shift work, and I have a dog that gets jealous even if we kiss!! but I feel such a failure, and I know we were soul mates, can i get him back? He wont answer my calls, and I was constantly accusing him of having an affair.  I’m absolutely devastated as I feel like I’ve lost the one true love of my life.

A: Click arrow to listen to response from Julie Hanks, LCSW.

Additional childhood abuse resources:
Find a therapist resource
PsychCentral’s Survivors of Abuse Community Forum

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Have you checked out this website She Knows? It’s a great resource for women! And…they quoted moi in this article today. Some good reminders to prioritize romance. Click the link below for some good advice!

7 Tips to help parents keep the spark alive

Q: I’m very scared of calling CPS but I don’t want to live here anymore. I cant live here anymore my dad is abusive and always has but I can’t take it anymore. I’m scared to be put in a foster care though. I don’t have any relatives left over and my mom doesn’t stop my dad.

A: Click arrow below to listen my advice about this heart-breaking situation.

Talk to a trusted adult and please share these resources with them so they can help you.
Connecticut Department of Children and Families
Connecticut Office of the Child Advocate
The Children’s Law Center of Connecticut
Childhelp.org

My heart goes out to you. Thanks for your courage in reaching out for help.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

“Makeup often represents an adolescent girl’s eagerness and excitement to become a ‘grown up,’ and explore her attractiveness to peers, but for parents, it can bring up fear and stress relating to their child maturing and becoming interested in boys,” says Julie Hanks, a psychotherapist specializing in family relationships. “It may also represent a daughter pulling away from her parents to focus more on peers, which may feel scary for some parents.”

Read the entire SheKnows.com article

Did you know that men’s depression symptoms may differ from women?

Did you know that many men mask their depression by substance use, working excessively, or engaging in reckless behavior?

Do you know that 7% of men in any given year suffer from depression?

Do you know how to spot warning signs?

Get tips on how to help the men and boys in your life become more emotionally healthy and where to get help if you or a loved one is suffering from depression

Listen to “Men & Depression” interview online HERE

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men’s mental health & I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Owner/Clinical Director of Wasatch Family Therapy.

For information about therapy visit our website WasatchFamilyTherapy.com or call 801.944.4555.

Click the photo below to visit this episode

]]> http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/self-care/exercise-for-mental-health-on-you-and-yours-show-002/feed/ 0 http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/relationships/you-again-moving-beyond-high-school-insecurities/ http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/relationships/you-again-moving-beyond-high-school-insecurities/#comments Wed, 06 Oct 2010 19:47:18 +0000 admin http://www.juliehanks.com/?p=1625 more »]]> “You Again?” Moving Beyond High School Insecurities

Studio 5 Contributor and Family Therapist, Julie Hanks tells you what to do when an old rivalry resurfaces.

Few people feel neutral about their High School experience. You either loved it or experienced it as pure torture. Or a little of both. In the hit movie “You Again”, an exaggerated comedy about coming face to face with the women who bullied or betrayed you in High School, audiences reflect on their own High School experiences. Whether you were popular or picked on, prom queen or band geek, the bully or the bullied, you’ve probably experienced some insecurities and heartaches of your own during adolescence.

First love, first betrayal, new freedom, shifting hormones, and changing body make adolescence a time of insecurity and uncertainty that can resurface throughout adult life. As you shifted from family focus to peer focus, attempting to establish your own identity, adolescence experiences and emotions were potent then, and now. If a colleague gets a promotion at work that you think you deserve, it may dredge up the disappointment of not winning the student body election. Finding out that a trusted adult friend has broken a confidence may remind you of an earlier betrayal of trust when your high school so-called “best friend” spread a rumor about your throughout the school.

Here are some tips to soothe your inner adolescent and move beyond High School insecurities:

1) Adolescent experiences impact you but they don’t define you

Our early experiences help to shape who we are, but we get to choose who we will become. Many people use the mistreatment of earlier years as motivation to succeed as adults, or as fuel for their passion to help others.

Tina M. shared on Facebook says about her high school experience: I knew it was more in important to respected then to be “popular”, and in the end it always wins. We never know how we will impact the lives of others by just being accepting. I spent a lot of friday nights at home, but I knew my life was …different then those other kids at school and that one day they would get out of school and life would be a “slap in the face” so to speak. I had a lot of trials that caused me to have to “grow up” before the other kids and it made it all hard when other kids were really spoiled and had it easier. I tried to just be friendly regardless and now 11 years later they are all adults and i still enjoy a lot of their friendships and company. I was glad that I chose to just be kind.

2) It is never too late to apologize or to accept an apology

If you run into to a former classmate that you hurt, apologize. It always feels better to resolve something unresolved. Conversely, if someone who has betrayed you in the past apologizes for their immaturity, accept it so you can both move on. As an adult, I recognized that I needed to apologize to one of my sisters for being excessively mean during our adolescence. I even wrote a song for her. As adults, we are the best of friends because I apologized and owned my hurtful actions, and because she graciously accepted my apology.

3) People grow and change

The teens that may have hurt, or betrayed you in the past no longer exist. They are now adults with a wealth of life experiences. Even if you never run into them as adults, it may be helpful for you to imagine them as adults, with adult responsibilities, instead of that mean adolescent, in order for you to move past your pain.

4) Use your pain to empathize with others

If you were bullied, or taunted, you know the hurt and the self-doubt that comes with being mistreated. As an adult, you can use that pain to support and empathize with others who are going through difficult emotions. In my early adolescence I experienced firsthand the pain of being bullied. As I’ve matured, I’ve used that pain to empathize and become more sensitive to others in pain. Looking back, I can see that the bullying and taunting sprung from the insecurities and pain of the kids involved and had very little to do with who I was.

5) Teach children that they can make a difference

Bullying, teasing, name calling echo in victims’ minds long after the taunting has stopped. Likewise, the kind words or acts of encouragement and acceptance can provide hope to another person for years. Teach your children skills of emotional awareness in themselves and sensitivity to others.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. For information go to www.pacer.org

How do your High School experiences impact your adult life? What triggers your adolescent insecurities?

(Email address will be kept confidential)

Exercise Improves Your Mental Health by:

Improving Mood

Researchers at Duke University found that exercise is as effective as antidepressant medication for treating depression.

Decreasing Anxiety

University of Georgia study found exercise to be effective at reducing anxiety symptoms.

Improving Memory

Exercise may stimulate areas of the brain responsible for age-related memory loss.

Managing Stress

Exercise may help the body’s systems practice dealing with stress.

Improving Self-esteem

Physical exercise has been shown to improve physical self-concept.

In my therapy practice I’ve often “prescribed” exercise to clients as a means to improve their mood, decrease anxiety, and manage stress levels and I’ve heard all kinds of excuses as to why clients can’t/don’t/won’t exercise. I’ve also used all of these same excuses in my own life at one time or another. Few of us are able to spend several months in a fitness camp, like The Biggest Loser contestants, but all of us can lose our excuses and learn to make exercise a priority for our physical and mental health. Here are some solutions to common exercise excuses.

Solutions to Common Exercise Excuses:

“I don’t have time”

Solution: Build it into your Schedule

Make your personal physical self-care a priority by putting it on your calendar. I recently hired a personal trainer and her available times are in the middle of the day – a time I have never exercised because I don’t want to be sweaty the rest of the day. I have worked through that and show up at my scheduled times because it’s on my schedule.

“I don’t have motivation”

Solution: Buddy system

Exercise with a partner or friend. Find someone who is relying on you to join them in exercising and will hold you accountable. The social aspect of exercise also has benefits for emotional health.

“I don’t have anyone to watch my kids”

Solution: Exercise with family

When you take your child to soccer practice bring your walking shoes and walk around the field for an hour. Put your baby in the stroller and stroll around the block. Find an activity that you can enjoy with your children. Consider joining a recreation center that provides child care. Baby sit swap with a neighbor.

“I don’t have the money to buy a gym membership or workout gear”

Solution: Choose free activities

Walking and hiking are great free activities that only require shoes. Also, check with your local recreation center for low cost or free activity options in your community.

Connect with me…

Do you have exercise excuses? How do you make the time to exercise? Comment below (email will be kept private)

Watch for Wasatch Woman the 3rd Friday of each month as a special insert in the Salt Lake Tribune and the Deseret News!

How do YOU make your anniversary meaningful?

Read WomansDay.com article “How to handle relationship questions gracefully” HERE

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares tips for simplifying your day and mastering the art of leaving things undone.
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Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is a nobler art of leaving things undone.  -Lin Yutang

I’m the first to admit that that I have a lot on my plate and that I like to get things done. However, I recently wrote a blog called “Confessions of a Multi-tasking Mama” about all of the things I don’t do – the things I leave undone. I received many emails and blog comments from women expressing relief that they are not alone in leaving things undone, and sharing their own candid “confessions” of what they leave undone. I’ve posted some of their comments at the end of this article.

TIPS FOR LEAVING THINGS UNDONE:

ACCEPT YOUR LIMITATIONS

I have surveyed hundreds of women and found that the majority of women felt guilty for all that they’re not doing (for leaving things undone). There will always be things left “undone”.

BREAK YOUR OWN RULES

Often the pressure to do everything is self-imposed.  “I can’t leave the house until the dishes are done” or “I can’t play until all of my work is done” are examples of self-imposed rules that can be broken.

CHOOSE PEOPLE OVER TASKS

In the busyness of life the accomplishing of tasks can seem overwhelming, easily overpowering the importance of our relationships. Ask yourself this question: Will anyone mention this at my funeral?

DECIDE YOUR PRIORITIES

When you are aware of what is most important to you, it’s a lot easier to let the less important things remain undone. To identify what is most important to you ask yourself:  What is my life about?  Who is most important to me?

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities. -Steven R. Covey

ENGAGE IN YOUR PASSIONS

When you engage in the things you love and spend time with the people you love, it’s easier to leave other things undone because you are living in and enjoying the moment. Engaging in activities that energize you everyday is crucial to refueling your emotional tank and helping to prioritize what to do, and what to leave undone.

I asked some of my Facebook friends and blog followers what they leave undone to simplify their day. Here’s what they had to say…

I leave my bed unmade during the week. Oh, and I leave the cookie dough unbaked. – Kelly M.

Have kids help do jobs around house and DON’T go around and “fix” after (Takes discipline)! – Natalie C.

The folding of my laundry is the bottom of the list. The thing that NEVER gets done would be ironing. –Val Z.

I decided years ago that there is a difference between the job of mom and housekeeper. I am good at and love the mom job. The housekeeper job . . . not so much. – Amy W.

My house is less than stellar and I don’t cook hardly anything from scratch! –Debbie H.

As a home schooling mom of nine children, I tell people I am raising a family right now, not a house or a yard. – Heidi J.

Most often I’ll leave dirty dishes from dinner until the morning so I can spend time relaxing with my hubby. – Loralee T.

Housecleaning seems to be the only non-essential that can be left undone sometimes. We also use paper plates 80% of the time to cut down on dishes. Laundry only gets done once a week in our home (6-8 loads at a time), so kids have learned to hang up clothes they want to wear again. –Laura B.

As a teacher, I learned that it was okay to not correct every single paper the child does… sometimes a sticker or stamp is all they need to reward their effort. –Krystal P.

As a single mom, a lot of things go undone with 4 children 14 and under. I purposely prioritize my day so that I can have a clean kitchen, happy kids, and enough time to love each other. –April C.

I have also learned through the death of my mother that life is short and we should cherish each moment. There is no need to try to do it all and have it all. We must find balance and do and have the things that make us happy. I have weeds in my flower beds, I hide things in closets and under the bed and I take naps also. –Lisa

My children have friend B-Day parties every other year. – Emily H.

I don’t let my kids have extracurricular activities more than once a year. I also instituted “no play date days” during the school year. They are Monday, Thursday and Sunday. This brings me both sanity and allows me to see my children more often than throwing them in the car and bringing them places. – Pam B.

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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and Clinical Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!

Visit Wasatch Family Therapy or call (801) 944-4555 for information about individual, couple, and family counseling, groups, and workshops.

WHAT DO YOU LEAVE UNDONE???

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares tips for making wedding anniversaries meaningful.

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More couples “tie the knot” during the summer months which means more couples are also celebrating wedding anniversaries at this time of year. Taking the time, effort, and forethought to create meaningful anniversary traditions helps to nurture your marriage and to keep the romance alive. Reflecting on the history of your early relationship, and recommitting to the promises you made on your wedding day increases the sense of emotional security and deepens the bonds of love. Here are a few tips to inspire you to make your wedding anniversary more meaningful.

REVIEW YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Discuss your expectations with your spouse. Decide who’s planning the celebration, what the budget is, and other important details. Don’t expect your husband or wife to read your mind, or to know what you’d like to celebrate your special day. It’s your responsibility to talk about you wishes to your spouse if there’s any chance they’ll come true.

Looking at this photo of our wedding over 21 years ago brings back amazing memories and wonderful emotions.

REQUEST A HOLIDAY

You take off time for holidays like Christmas and July 4th so why not take a day off for the most personal holiday, your anniversary? Get a baby sitter, request the day off of work and spend the day with your sweetheart. Even if you’re just running errands, going to lunch, or taking a nap, spend the day together.

Daniel & Debra Breitenstein take time off from work to celebrate their first anniversary at the Anniversary Inn.

RENEW YOUR COMMITMENT

Whether it’s a formal renewing of vows in a ceremony surrounded by family, a verbal expression over a candlelit dinner, or a handwritten love letter expressing your on-going commitment to your spouse, do something that reminds your spouse that you are wholeheartedly committed to your marriage and that you treasure him in your life.

Kevin & Laura Brotherson, married 19 years, renew their commitment by taking a photo on each anniversaries and display them in their home as proof of their on-going commitment to each other. Kevin & Laura are founders of Strengthening Marriage, Inc., www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.

WATCH MORE TV SEGMENTS HERE

READ JULIE’S ARTICLES HERE

Here’s today’s relationship column in the July 2010 issue of Wasatch Woman Magazine, now available as an insert in the Deseret News & Salt Lake Tribune! I’m thrilled about the opportunity to inspire even more women with my column. Here’s today’s article. Enjoy.

Watch my TV segment on this topic HERE

Read “Favorite Phrases For Relationship Confrontations” WW article  HERE.

Learn more about my therapy clinic HERE

]]> http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/self-care/thats-what-i-like-about-me/feed/ 0 http://www.juliehanks.com/news/god-in-therapy-interview-on-psychcentral-com/ http://www.juliehanks.com/news/god-in-therapy-interview-on-psychcentral-com/#comments Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:00:43 +0000 admin http://www.juliehanks.com/?p=1228 more »]]> Since I work with so many religious clients I was delightful to participate in this interview on the topic of God in Therapy with CR & Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC who host the Therapy Soup Blog. Here’s the first Q & A in the interview titled “God in Therapy: Songwriter & Psychotherapist Julie Hanks Shatters Stereotypes.”

Q: “We’re the first to say our own view may be somewhat limited due to lack of exposure and we don’t want to fall guilty of stereotyping, so can you reflect a bit on Mormon culture in general?

A: Unfortunately, much of the media coverage on “Mormon” extremists, like Warren Jeffs for example, aren’t actually even Mormon and in no way represent Mormon culture or lifestyle.

Most practicing Mormon’s are fiercely dedicated to taking care of their families. They also generously donate time and resources, are conscientious community members, and genuinely trying to make the world better.”

Read the entire PsychCentral interview HERE

Download PDF

Studio 5 Contributor and Self & Family Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW shares ways to continue your personal growth and rediscover your passion without leaving your life to travel the world.
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Eat, Pray, Love…at Home

Taking a year out of your life and traveling the world to rediscover yourself, like Elizabeth Gilbert in her best-selling memoir turned blockbuster movie Eat Pray Love, is hardly realistic for me and for most women I know. Yet, there is something about Liz’s quest to reconnect with herself and to rediscover her passion for life that resonates with millions of moviegoers. I believe its possible to continue the journey of personal development while remaining committed to family relationships, and without traveling to exotic destinations.

Tips to Eat Pray Love…at Home:

1-Venture out of your comfort zone

Liz: “I used to have this appetite for life and it’s just gone!” “I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something!” (Eat Love Pray, 2010).

If you feel numb, shut down, or on emotional “autopilot” try stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new, uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Try a new restaurant or a new sport. Extend yourself to someone outside of your circle of friends. If you like to read fiction, read non-fiction. You don’t have to travel to an exotic destination to get a new perspective on life.

Kelly O. a single 30-something professional decided to face her fears and say YES to new experiences throughout the year. Read her blog post “Unplanning Life” which highlighting 55 new firsts she’s experienced this year. http://kellyolivia.blogspot.com/2010/03/unplanning-life.html

From a man’s perspective…Steven Kapp Perry, radio host & father of 4 got out of his comfort zone by “climbing King’s Peak with my boys (twice) and I’m afraid of heights. I could go on. I think everything good about my life has come from venturing out of whatever my comfort zone used to be. It’s a lot bigger place these days.”

2-Savor your senses

Liz: “I’m having a relationship with my pizza”. This is my no Carb left behind experiment.” (Eat Love Pray, 2010).

Are you trapped in a routine of checking off tasks and making schedules? If so, try tuning into your senses: taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound. The ability to savor your own experience, no matter how small, adds dimension and increases positive feelings of pleasure. Focus on how it feels to be in your body, the wonderful smell of your favorite pizza, the warm touch of a friend’s hand on your shoulder, the beautiful sunset…

In my psychotherapy practice with women, many clients express that they have lost the enjoyment in physical intimacy. I think this is in part because they have become so good at tuning into their loved ones needs and emotions that it becomes difficult to “switch gears” and focus on their own senses; a requirement for fulfilling sexual experiences.

3-Practice mindfulness

Liz: “Ok, Simply empty your mind. You’re going to sit here for an hour of your life and you’re not moving, why is this so hard…” (Eat Love Pray, 2010) .

Focus attention solely on the present moment and acknowledge your thoughts and emotions without judgment. Take a few minutes each day to quiet your mind and see what comes up. Relaxation, meditation, yoga, prayer, and many other spiritual practices provide health and mental health benefits, and have even been shown to improve your relationships.

Jennie M., wife and mother of three boys advises: “Take time to focus on things that matter most to us and try to have a good balance. For me it is running. My husband supports me and watches our 3 boys while I go run 30 – 60 minutes. It’s my time to get out think, pray, re-focus, and have time to myself.”

4-Listen to your inner voice

Liz: “I need to change. Since I was fifteen I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy”  (Eat Love Pray, 2010).

It’s easy to let the voices, needs, opinions, and expectations of others drown out your own voice, just as Liz experienced in Eat Pray Love. If your gut says you need a break, or need more time with friends, or need to rest, listen and ask for your needs to be met. Longings, dreams, thoughts and feelings are clues to what you need in order to continue your personal growth.

Jennie G., wife and stay-at-home mother of five says: “Learn to trust that inner voice. If it tells you that you really need a night out with a friend, do it! If you need to start a new book, buy one. If you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, go serve someone else. If you want to learn something new, sign up for a class. I think each of us know what we need, we’re just too scared or not used to listening to that inner voice that will guide you to exactly what it is you need. The trick is to listen, and know that you are worth listening to!”

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Connect with me on the web!

What did you think about the movie Eat Pray Love?

How do you stay passionate about your life and continue your personal growth?