“Thanks for brining presents but iff you think I don’t need it than give it to people who doesn’t get presents.”

Merry Christmas.

My boyfriend and I dated for four months. After we first broke up, we started talking again. We talked for three months. Then I found out that the reason why he broke up with me was because he liked my sister.

I was really hurt, but I still talked to him because I really, really cared about him. I could forgive him even if he liked my sister.

Another month passes by and we are still talking to each other. Then one night, I confront him about him liking my sister. He said that he used to get a feeling when he was around my sister, but he doesn’t get it anymore. He told me that he really cared about me now. I forgave him.

After another month, we went for a second shot at our relationship. We lasted for another 3 months. He broke up with me on a text.

After my relationship with him, I’ve become a really jealous person of my sister. I don’t like to have the same guy friends as her. I don’t like her talking to my guy friends. I don’t like her hanging out with me. I like to keep my life separate for hers now. I need to get over my jealousy issue with my sister.

Please help me.

A: Your jealousy toward your sister is certainly understandable given your ex-boyfriend’s attraction to her, but your intense jealousy is misplaced.

Your ex is the one who hurt you, not your sister. I think you’re pushing your sister away to avoid getting hurt again, but it’s not going to work. Some guys will like you and others will like your sister. As long as you’re focused on keeping your sister away from all of your male friends you’ll stay stuck in the jealousy instead of learning how to move on in a healthy way after a relationship breakup.

Feeling hurt and betrayed after a breakup is normal, and the fact that your boyfriend broke up with you via text doesn’t say much about his character. When you feel the jealousy toward your sister coming up, identify it for what it is — hurt and fear. I think that the real question is why would you choose to get back together with a guy who told you he had feelings your sister? I recommend that you focus less on your sister and more on building your own feelings of self-worth so you can feel deserving of a relationship with someone who wants to be with you.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column

Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central! and Latter-day Woman Magazine.

Have you checked out this website She Knows? It’s a great resource for women! And…they quoted moi in this article today. Some good reminders to prioritize romance. Click the link below for some good advice!

7 Tips to help parents keep the spark alive

Here’s my two cents…

Talk them through things. Instead of taking the fix-it route, teach your kids how to address problems themselves, says therapist Julie Hanks, LCSW. “Coach your child through peer relationship problems or academic problems instead of swooping in and solving it for your child. Allow your child to experience a full range of emotions. Too often parents try to shield their child from painful emotions,” says Hanks.

Read the entire article

Studio 5 contributor and therapist Julie Hanks, LCSW, shares important parenting skills you might be overlooking.

Good Parenting is not just about you treat your child. I recently stumbled across a recent blog on PsychologyToday.com highlighting surprising research — two out of the three most effective parenting skills don’t directly involve interacting with your kids. In the recent issue of Scientific American Mind (Nov./Dec. 2010)“What Makes A Good Parent?” psychologist and researcher by Robert Epstein, PhD found that while showing love and affection to your child is the most important parenting skills, how you treat yourself and how your interact with your spouse or co-parent rank second and third. While real parents are quite good at love and affection, they report poorer scores on areas stress management and adult relationship skills.

These results aren’t surprising to me and coincide with my professional journey. Interestingly, all of my early training was in play therapy working directly with children, but within a few years I realized that the best thing I could do for children was to help support their mother’s emotional well-being and to support their parent’s in developing healthy relationships. In my practice I frequently see well-meaning parents who don’t take good care of themselves and their adult relationships and their children suffer. A common dynamic I often see in my practice working with divorced families is parents speaking poorly of their child’s other parent or putting the child in the middle of conflict between co-parents, with devastating impact on their child

Improve your parenting by developing skill these 2 areas:

Stress Management

Have realistic expectations for yourself
Take a “time out” when you’re overwhelmed
Practice optimism

Healthy Adult Relationship

Talk positively about other parent
Model affection & communication
Keep child out of middle

The Parents’ 10 Competencies

1-Love and affection – respect & support, physical affection, quality time together

2-Stress management – reduce stress, practice relaxation, positive outlook

3-Relationships skills – model good relationship with spouse/significant other, co-parent

4-Autonomy & Independence – treat child with respect and encourage self-sufficiency

5-Education & learning – promote learning and provide opportunities

6-Life skills – provide financially, plan for future

7-Behavior management – use positive reinforcement and punish as last resort

8-Health – model healthy lifestyle

9-Religion – support child’s spiritual and religious development

10-Safety – protect child & have awareness of child’s activities

Free Parenting Test

Test your competency in the “Parents 10″ skill areas. Take this free online test :
myparentingskills.com

Pat yourself on the back for your strengths and then make a plan to improve in the areas with lower scores. According to Dr. Epstien, good parenting skills can be learned and parenting classes can be an effective way to improve your parenting and help raise a happier, healthier child.

Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, is a licensed therapist and owner & director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com for individual, couple, family, & group counseling and support services designed to strengthen you and your family. We treat mental health and relationship problems in children, adolescents, and adults. For additional self-improvement & relationship resources connect with me at www.juliehanks.com.

Have you ever dealt with a narcissistic family member? Do you have any recommended books or resources to share?

Studio 5 Contributor, Julie Hanks, LCSW with Wasatch Family Therapy has tips to help you tap into the positive power of sisters.

A recent New York Times essay “Why sisterly chats make people happier” by Deborah Tannen caught my eye because I have five, yes, FIVE sisters. I love research that supports what I already know from real-life experience — sisters are important to mental health. Having a sister protects teens against feelings of depression, loneliness, self-consciousness, fear, and being unloved according to Laura Padilla-Walker, head researcher in a recent BYU study.

The positive impact of sisters extends beyond adolescence into adulthood. British researchers Liz Wright and Tony Cassidy found that people who grew up with at least one sister were happier more motivated, had more friends, and were more resilient during difficult times, especially during parental divorce.

Here are some tips for helping your children, sisters AND brothers, develop close, positive relationships with each other during childhood and adolescence so they will continue to support emotional health as adults.

Tips to Help Your Kids Help Each Other

1) Show Affection

Encourage your family to express physical affection, to notice and express positive traits, to increase emotional sensitivity to siblings, and to celebrate other sibling’s successes. Affection is an important aspect that contributes to the positive mental health outcomes among siblings, According to Padilla-Walker, “An absence of affection seems to be a bigger problem than high levels of conflict.”

A-list star Gwenyth Paltrow, and her producer brother, Jake Paltrow are a great example of affectionate siblings raised in a loving home.

2) Express Emotion

Healthy emotional expression is a crucial component to emotional health. Wright & Cassidy found that in families whose parents divorce, sisters tended to express themselves, and encourage emotional expression in others leading to less distress.

Coach your children to express feelings to their siblings in a non-attacking way. Here’s an excellent tool to help your children communicate their emotion:

I feel (emotion word) when you (other’s specific behavior) because I think (thought) . I would like it if you would (requested behavior) .

Here’s an example: “I feel mad when you take my clothes without asking because I think you don’t respect my privacy. I would like it if you would ask me before you borrow my clothes.”

When single mother Jennifer Child’s daughter was diagnosed with cancer her sisters were her strength.
“I have 2 sisters whose lives CHANGED when my daughter was diagnosed. I was a young single mom, my sisters PULLED me through~ I COULD NOT have made it through without my family. We pulled together and somehow made it through this HORRIFIC time in our life. My sisters are my best friends. I now have 2 daughters, 6 and 7 they are best friends. They do fight like NO OTHER, but love each other as I have seen with my sisters.”

3) Show Kindness

Coach your children to treat each other with respect, thoughtfulness, and kindness. Having a loving sibling of any gender seems to promote kindness and empathy toward others, according to Padilla-Walker. Interestingly, the relationship between positive sibling relationships and good deeds was twice as strong as the relationship between parenting and a child’s good deeds.

Mother of eight children, Andrya Lewis, promotes kindness among her children “by having sleepovers on Friday nights with movies and treats and sleeping bags, by letting siblings tell good news and surprises and

distribute treats to the other siblings, and by verbally interpreting and translating that acts of kindness or service (like sharing a toy, or finding a lost shoe) mean their sibling loves them.”

4) Communicate Often

Tannen’s research found that women talk with sisters more often, at greater length, and about more personal topics than they do with brothers. She concludes that the frequency of contact with sisters, not necessarily the content of the communication, is most important component contributing to the positive impact of having a sister.

Annie Frazier says she checks in with her older sister Jennie Gochnour by text or phone every other day. “It’s not always a big conversation; often it’s just a check in. We share everything and it’s not judged. We have gotten each other through everything – deaths, marriages, and divorce. She’s the only reason I’m not in intensive therapy! I particularly remember one day when we were running together in the early morning. I was going through infertility treatments and hoping to get pregnant – despite the reality of the months of darkness that I knew were around the corner with my postpartum depression. I don’t remember what she said, but I remember what I felt. In her eyes, I could not have been any more wonderful – even though in my eyes, all I saw was failure, sadness and inadequacies. She was my crutch and has carried me along many dark roads that have led to beautiful moments of celebration. She has always been by my side.”

5) Minimize conflict

Set family rules of no name-calling and no physical fighting, and don’t be afraid to intervene in your children’s fights. High levels of sibling conflict is associated with increased risk aggression in other relationships, and increased delinquent behavior, but on the positive side, a little bit of conflict gives siblings a chance to practice emotional control and problem solving skills.

According to Oracne Price, mother to tennis superstar sisters, Venus and Serena Williams, though they are fiercely competitive on the court, her daughters are very close friends.

Do you have a sister? How has she impacted your mental health?

“Makeup often represents an adolescent girl’s eagerness and excitement to become a ‘grown up,’ and explore her attractiveness to peers, but for parents, it can bring up fear and stress relating to their child maturing and becoming interested in boys,” says Julie Hanks, a psychotherapist specializing in family relationships. “It may also represent a daughter pulling away from her parents to focus more on peers, which may feel scary for some parents.”

Read the entire SheKnows.com article

Did you know that men’s depression symptoms may differ from women?

Did you know that many men mask their depression by substance use, working excessively, or engaging in reckless behavior?

Do you know that 7% of men in any given year suffer from depression?

Do you know how to spot warning signs?

Get tips on how to help the men and boys in your life become more emotionally healthy and where to get help if you or a loved one is suffering from depression

Listen to “Men & Depression” interview online HERE

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men’s mental health & I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Owner/Clinical Director of Wasatch Family Therapy.

For information about therapy visit our website WasatchFamilyTherapy.com or call 801.944.4555.

Click the photo below to visit this episode

]]> http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/self-care/exercise-for-mental-health-on-you-and-yours-show-002/feed/ 0 http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/relationships/you-again-moving-beyond-high-school-insecurities/ http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/relationships/you-again-moving-beyond-high-school-insecurities/#comments Wed, 06 Oct 2010 19:47:18 +0000 admin http://www.juliehanks.com/?p=1625 more »]]> “You Again?” Moving Beyond High School Insecurities

Studio 5 Contributor and Family Therapist, Julie Hanks tells you what to do when an old rivalry resurfaces.

Few people feel neutral about their High School experience. You either loved it or experienced it as pure torture. Or a little of both. In the hit movie “You Again”, an exaggerated comedy about coming face to face with the women who bullied or betrayed you in High School, audiences reflect on their own High School experiences. Whether you were popular or picked on, prom queen or band geek, the bully or the bullied, you’ve probably experienced some insecurities and heartaches of your own during adolescence.

First love, first betrayal, new freedom, shifting hormones, and changing body make adolescence a time of insecurity and uncertainty that can resurface throughout adult life. As you shifted from family focus to peer focus, attempting to establish your own identity, adolescence experiences and emotions were potent then, and now. If a colleague gets a promotion at work that you think you deserve, it may dredge up the disappointment of not winning the student body election. Finding out that a trusted adult friend has broken a confidence may remind you of an earlier betrayal of trust when your high school so-called “best friend” spread a rumor about your throughout the school.

Here are some tips to soothe your inner adolescent and move beyond High School insecurities:

1) Adolescent experiences impact you but they don’t define you

Our early experiences help to shape who we are, but we get to choose who we will become. Many people use the mistreatment of earlier years as motivation to succeed as adults, or as fuel for their passion to help others.

Tina M. shared on Facebook says about her high school experience: I knew it was more in important to respected then to be “popular”, and in the end it always wins. We never know how we will impact the lives of others by just being accepting. I spent a lot of friday nights at home, but I knew my life was …different then those other kids at school and that one day they would get out of school and life would be a “slap in the face” so to speak. I had a lot of trials that caused me to have to “grow up” before the other kids and it made it all hard when other kids were really spoiled and had it easier. I tried to just be friendly regardless and now 11 years later they are all adults and i still enjoy a lot of their friendships and company. I was glad that I chose to just be kind.

2) It is never too late to apologize or to accept an apology

If you run into to a former classmate that you hurt, apologize. It always feels better to resolve something unresolved. Conversely, if someone who has betrayed you in the past apologizes for their immaturity, accept it so you can both move on. As an adult, I recognized that I needed to apologize to one of my sisters for being excessively mean during our adolescence. I even wrote a song for her. As adults, we are the best of friends because I apologized and owned my hurtful actions, and because she graciously accepted my apology.

3) People grow and change

The teens that may have hurt, or betrayed you in the past no longer exist. They are now adults with a wealth of life experiences. Even if you never run into them as adults, it may be helpful for you to imagine them as adults, with adult responsibilities, instead of that mean adolescent, in order for you to move past your pain.

4) Use your pain to empathize with others

If you were bullied, or taunted, you know the hurt and the self-doubt that comes with being mistreated. As an adult, you can use that pain to support and empathize with others who are going through difficult emotions. In my early adolescence I experienced firsthand the pain of being bullied. As I’ve matured, I’ve used that pain to empathize and become more sensitive to others in pain. Looking back, I can see that the bullying and taunting sprung from the insecurities and pain of the kids involved and had very little to do with who I was.

5) Teach children that they can make a difference

Bullying, teasing, name calling echo in victims’ minds long after the taunting has stopped. Likewise, the kind words or acts of encouragement and acceptance can provide hope to another person for years. Teach your children skills of emotional awareness in themselves and sensitivity to others.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. For information go to www.pacer.org

How do your High School experiences impact your adult life? What triggers your adolescent insecurities?

(Email address will be kept confidential)

Read Sept. Newsletter HERE

“In episode 001 “Why Self-care Isn’t Selfish” you’ll get to know self & relationship expert Julie Hanks, LCSW personally and professionally as she shares the questions inspired this show: Is it possible to take good care of myself AND my family without being self-indulgent or selfish? Is it possible for a woman to be a dedicated and connected wife and mother AND have a fulfilling personal life?”

LISTEN HERE

Exercise Improves Your Mental Health by:

Improving Mood

Researchers at Duke University found that exercise is as effective as antidepressant medication for treating depression.

Decreasing Anxiety

University of Georgia study found exercise to be effective at reducing anxiety symptoms.

Improving Memory

Exercise may stimulate areas of the brain responsible for age-related memory loss.

Managing Stress

Exercise may help the body’s systems practice dealing with stress.

Improving Self-esteem

Physical exercise has been shown to improve physical self-concept.

In my therapy practice I’ve often “prescribed” exercise to clients as a means to improve their mood, decrease anxiety, and manage stress levels and I’ve heard all kinds of excuses as to why clients can’t/don’t/won’t exercise. I’ve also used all of these same excuses in my own life at one time or another. Few of us are able to spend several months in a fitness camp, like The Biggest Loser contestants, but all of us can lose our excuses and learn to make exercise a priority for our physical and mental health. Here are some solutions to common exercise excuses.

Solutions to Common Exercise Excuses:

“I don’t have time”

Solution: Build it into your Schedule

Make your personal physical self-care a priority by putting it on your calendar. I recently hired a personal trainer and her available times are in the middle of the day – a time I have never exercised because I don’t want to be sweaty the rest of the day. I have worked through that and show up at my scheduled times because it’s on my schedule.

“I don’t have motivation”

Solution: Buddy system

Exercise with a partner or friend. Find someone who is relying on you to join them in exercising and will hold you accountable. The social aspect of exercise also has benefits for emotional health.

“I don’t have anyone to watch my kids”

Solution: Exercise with family

When you take your child to soccer practice bring your walking shoes and walk around the field for an hour. Put your baby in the stroller and stroll around the block. Find an activity that you can enjoy with your children. Consider joining a recreation center that provides child care. Baby sit swap with a neighbor.

“I don’t have the money to buy a gym membership or workout gear”

Solution: Choose free activities

Walking and hiking are great free activities that only require shoes. Also, check with your local recreation center for low cost or free activity options in your community.

Connect with me…

Do you have exercise excuses? How do you make the time to exercise? Comment below (email will be kept private)

The Self and Family Show

The ability to reach an international audience with my message of helping women stay strong and take good care of themselves while caring for their families is thrilling! This week I’ll be learning about all of the technical aspects of recording and hosting my own show, and the first couple of episodes should post sometime next month.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with The Women’s Information Network please check it out. It’s an amazing online resource with advice and help from experts in so many areas…from organizing your home to forensic science, from single parenting to the latest in the entertainment world.

What is The WIN?

The Women’s Information Network (The WIN) is quickly becoming the Premier Media and Social Network for Women ~ The Online Home for All Women, All Ages.

1. The WIN provides hundreds of free, quality audio/video shows on a wide variety of topics, organized into channels, presented by experts, and delivered in easily-accessible formats.
2. The WIN also provides hundreds of articles, and fun ways for participants to interact with women worldwide through our Conversation Boards and interactive Webinars.
3. The WIN will have a huge e-commerce solution, The WIN Store, and now has an informative, entertaining online television show, The WIN Show.
4. The WIN loves to present Conferences and Retreats where women learn, laugh, and strengthen each other in powerful ways. Our offline events will help us become a massive, vibrant community of women both online and offline.
5. The WIN is honored and delighted to help women all over the globe through our charities. Our mission is to “Strengthen Women and Families Worldwide.”

The WIN invites you to come play with us! Click here to learn how you can be part of this wonderful community of women helping women “Get Solutions, Share Ideas, and Really Connect”. We look forward to meeting you!

These two shows to strengthen marriage and family, hosted by my friends, are definitely worth listening to:

The Marital Intimacy Show

The Parental Power Show

I’d love your ideas!

Tell me what’s on your mind and I’ll turn it into a show topic. Anything relating to caring for yourself and improving your relationships is fair game. If you have specific questions you’d like me to address on the show let me know (I’ll do it anonymously).

Feel free to post your comments and ideas below (your email will not be made public) or contact me HERE.

Watch for Wasatch Woman the 3rd Friday of each month as a special insert in the Salt Lake Tribune and the Deseret News!

How do YOU make your anniversary meaningful?

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares tips for losing the guilt about hiring out some tasks at home or work.

Do you take on more responsibility and commitments than you can handle? Have you ever felt like you should do all of the household chores, or do you take responsibility to tie up all of the loose ends at work? Have you considered hiring out some of the tasks? Often, the thought of allowing other people to do what you believe is your responsibility can bring up feelings of guilt and inadequacy. My personal philosophy is: do what you love, figure out how to make money doing what you love, and then hire out everything else. Understand the tasks and roles in your life where you are irreplaceable and where are you replaceable, and hire out the replaceable tasks.

Tips to lose the guilt:

1) Think more like a man

A few years ago, when I was feeling overwhelmed at home and at work. My therapy practice was growing and I felt stretched too thin. The thought occurred to me, “What would a man do in this situation?” I decided instead of finding a part-time babysitter I would change the job description to part-time “home assistant” who would do laundry, cook, dishes, errands, or whatever else needed to be done to keep the household going on the days I worked. Thinking like a man also led me to seek out an office manager instead of trying to run the office myself.

2) Consider bartering

If you’re thinking, “I’d love to hire it out but I don’t have the money” then consider bartering with a family member, neighbor of friend. If you’re a gourmet chef but don’t like to work in the yard, find someone who doesn’t enjoy cooking but has a green thumb. You can offer to cook dinners in exchange for your friend planting your flower or vegetable garden. Start a child care co-op with other mothers with small children if you need help with child care. Get creative!

3) Shift your beliefs

Your thoughts may be perpetuating your feelings of guilt when you think about hiring out some of your tasks. Ask yourself these four questions to help you change your thinking and feel more freedom about getting additional help:

A) What situation is triggering the guilt?
B) What is my underlying belief?
C) Where does this belief come from?
D) What is healthier belief?

Here is a personal example from my own life. After I had my first child, I was still wanting to finish my education but I needed some tools to sort through the guilt relating to hiring child care:

What situation is triggering my guilt? Hiring a caregiver for my baby when I’m in class.
What is my underlying belief? I should be with my baby 24 hours a day. A good mom is always with her baby and puts her own goals on hold.
What is the origin of my belief? Cultural messages, beliefs of some family members.
What is healthier belief? I am my son’s primary caregiver, however, he will benefit from interacting with others, including his dad, grandparents, and other responsible adults.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Do you hire out any household responsibilities?

Read WomansDay.com article “How to handle relationship questions gracefully” HERE

TAKE THE SURVEY HERE