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Are You Emotionally Thick Or Thin Skinned?: Studio 5

Has someone accused you of being too sensitive  or suggested that you grow a thicker skin? Or maybe you’ve heard that you’re hard to read or that you’re a tough nut to crack?Those comments may be clues to your style of processing emotions. how much of your environment you let into your being and how aware you are of your feelings.

The boundary concept was developed and researched by Ernest Hartmann, MD, of Tufts University, and this concept was expanded further in the book Your Emotional Type by Michael A. Jawer and Marc S. Micozzi. Jawer and Micozzi’s research further explore “thick and thin” emotional types, suggesting that our minds and our bodies are connected, and that our emotional type impacts our predisposition to certain health conditions. “Different people process their feelings in different ways–your emotional style is a fundamental aspect of who you are. It affects more than just your outlook on life; it can affect your very well-being,” according to Jawer and Micozzi.

Are YOU thick or thin skinned?

Take The Boundary Test

Read more

The Truth About Emotions (it’s ok to feel mad)

I have met with so many women in my therapy office who have shut down their emotions because they think it’s the right thing to do. Anger seems particularly difficult for women of faith to understand, manage, and express in healthy ways.

I’m honored to be a new presenter on Deseret Book’s Time Out For Women 2012 Tour “Seek The Good” talking on the topic of developing your most authentic self. Part of the message is the importance of honoring and feeling our emotions. Feelings are a gift to guide our lives. They aren’t “good” or “bad”. Feelings are INFORMATION to guide us to our most authentic self.

Here’s a video clip from a recent TOFW presentation about the importance of honoring our emotions…even anger.

(original post on TOFW.com)

I hope to see YOU at one of the TOFW cities this year!

Have you been taught to shut down “negative” feelings?
What have the consequences been for you? For your emotional and physical health?
How do you manage painful emotions in healthy ways?

Ask Julie: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk To Me But I Don’t Want To Lose Him

Q: Me and my boy friend have been going out over 3 years and he always looked after me. I did meet him when I was homeless and I love him now more than anything.  He knows I do but I think he lost interest in me he always tells me to shut up and he never hardly talks with me. He never spend time with me or rings me anymore and he don’t really cuddle up with me.  He just says, “keep still and stop making a sound”. He’s always working and with his friends and because I’m always depressed. When I start crying to myself before he come in and say what’s wrong, I tell him and he goes shut up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t have any one else.

A: Thank you for writing in for help. It sounds like you feel very alone so you are clinging to a man who is mean to you. Your situation seems less about your boyfriend and more about the fact that you don’t have other relationships to turn to for comfort and for help. Do you have any friends or family to turn to for assistance? Are there women’s shelters or government resources in your area of the UK that might be a resource for you?

Your boyfriend is mistreating you and his abusive behavior is saying either: 1) he doesn’t know how to be close to you or 2) he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Please take this opportunity to focus on building your own life, getting help for your depression, meeting new people, and developing your skills instead of clinging to a relationship with someone who is rejecting you.  Check with your local mental health agency to get information about social services so you can feel better about yourself, treat your depression and help you build additional social support networks. Please get help for yourself so you can move on and let your boyfriend go.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Ask Julie: Mother-in-law Passed Away and Left Us $50,000 In Debt

Q: To start off I was best friends with my wife’s mother. She took me in and gave me a family. Within the last 2 years both my wife’s mother and grand father passed away. My wife and I lived with them before we got married.

We ended up getting married twice, once in a church and once in my mother in law’s room at the nursing home. She was 46 years old when she died and it happened this past march.

Since then I have found that we have tons of money to pay out in inheritance tax and to her medical bills if we want to keep our house. My wife has stopped doing anything around the house and she won’t go do any of the legal things that need to be done by her.

How can I get her more motivated without hurting her feelings and how can I keep my sanity though out all of this. I don’t really know what to do to get myself motivated to be happier.

A: I am so sorry to hear about your recent family losses and financial difficulties. You’ve both lost two important support people, and while they can’t be replaced, it important for you and your wife to get additional support during this difficult time. While grieving is different for every person, it seems that your wife’s grieving may have turned into depression. Her “lack of motivation” and difficulty functioning may not be something she can control at this point.  Your difficulty being happy is also concerning to me and I recommend that both of you get an assessment for depression by a mental health professional. I also want to encourage you to seek out a grief counselor to help you process your losses, and a grief group so you can talk with other families who are going through similar experiences. To find a therapist and a group in your area click here.

In addition to mental health support, please seek professional advice on your legal and financial matters surrounding your mother-in-law’s passing, if you haven’t already done so. Tax issues and liability for medical bills can be complex and very stressful.

Thank you again for writing.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Ask Julie: I Deal With Abusive Boyfriend By Cutting And Binging

Q: Hi, I am 19 year old girl in my 2nd year of college. I currently live with my boyfriend of 4 years who is 25 years old. Our relationship used to be really good, but now all we do is argue. A few years ago I was flirting with other guys and he has never forgiven me for it. He constantly tells me he doesn’t trust me, and when he gets mad he tells me he hates me, that I should crawl in a hole in die, that he can’t stand to look at me, and many profanities. He spends no time with me so I spend the majority of time home all alone, which is the main issue because that gives me all the time alone I need to self-destruct.

I can’t stand myself, I hate everything about me. I’m fat and ugly, sometimes I don’t even know why I bother trying to make it through life nothing ever goes as planned. I feel like I am constantly starving myself or if not eating ridiculous amounts of food and then feeling guilty so that I either make myself puke or cut myself. I can’t control it, I feel like if I can

make myself attractive my boyfriend will love me again but I can’t even take care of myself. The worst was when he caught me binging and freaked out along the lines of “No wonder I’m always starving, you eat all the food. For once I wish you would save some for me instead of stuffing your face all the time.” And despite hearing that I still continue to stuff my face… I can’t help myself… maybe I deserve to be fat. I can’t even decide what is worse, the purging or the self-harm. Both cause me discomfort and to feel like a failure, but in the end neither make me prettier…they just make me uglier. This also causes me to spend way too much money on food…I am $20,000 in debt with my bank because of all the money I waste on food. I eat too much so now I cant even barely afford anything…which my boyfriend also blames me for…rightfully, it is my fault.

I just don’t know what to do. I have thought about trying to see a therapist regularly but I’m too embarrassed. I don’t want to make known just how disgusting I am. I don’t want anyone to know how much I eat. I don’t want anyone to know how my boyfriend treats me. I just want to be a normal person… I want to be happy, and loved…what do I have to do to be okay?? :(

A: Even though you’re embarrassed, please go see a therapist ASAP. Licensed therapists are trained to help individuals and couples in crisis resolve your problems and help you, not to judge you. Just by reading this letter I can sense the depth of your pain, I have empathy for you,  and I want to help you. This is how your therapist will feel too when you meet with him or her face to face. If you’re not sure where to find a therapist in your area click the Find Help tab at the top of this page for a listing. There are likely earlier roots to your self-destructive eating patterns, cutting, and dysfunctional relationship that can be explored and healed in therapy and are beyond the scope of what I can offer here.

What you’re describing in relationship with your boyfriend is verbal and emotional abuse. No one deserves to be told by their lover “I hate you” or “You should just crawl in a hole and die.”  That is heartbreaking to hear and needs to stop if you are ever going to gain self-esteem and confidence to change your life. Your therapist can help you to build  relationships skills and to help you come up with a plan to stand up for yourself when your boyfriend becomes verbally abusive.

In addition to meeting with a therapist regularly, I suggest you start seeking out books, blogs, and other resources and start arming yourself with more knowledge and tools to help you feel stronger and more competent. Here are some excellent resources right here at Psych Central to help you get started:

Weightless Blog
Eating Disorder & Binge Eating Info
Self-injury Forum
Relationship & Communication Forum
Eating Disorder Community Forum

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Ask Julie: I’m Angry AND Sad. What’s Wrong With Me?

Q: I’m 15 years old and I have been getting angry for sometime no reason at all and then becoming sad.  I am sad for a long time (10:30a.m.-9:00p.m.).  I don’t know what to do and people ask what’s wrong and i just snap at them and feel even worse and I think I’m losing some of my friends.  I used to be the funny guy but now I’m just the guy that sits in his chair quietly and doesn’t really talk to anyone anymore.  I don’t feel like myself and I’m actually just avoiding people anymore. Please Help, Thank you.

A: How confusing to be having these overwhelming emotions and not know where they came from or why you’re getting upset. I’m so glad you wrote in for help. I’m always relieved when adolescent young men write in for emotional help because so many suffer in silence and don’t know how to reach out for help.

What you’re describing sounds like some kind of depression. You might be surprised to hear that irritability and anger are often signs of depression, especially in adolescents. The changes in your personality and your social behavior also point to depression. Does anyone in your life know how sad you’re feeling? Do you have parents you could talk to or another trusted adult, like a school counselor who could help you find a therapist and set up a medical evaluation?

I urge you to talk to your parents, let them know about your feelings, and ask them to help you find a therapist to meet with. Also, please go to your MD and get a physical to rule out possible medical conditions that might be contributing to your low moods. Click the Find Help at the top of this page to find a therapist in your area who specializes in working with adolescents and depression.

I am so glad that you emailed “Ask the Therapist” to reach out for help and guidance. I am hopeful that it will inspire other young men to pay more attention to their emotions and ask for help when needed.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

6 Ways To Spring Clean Your Mind: Guest Blog on Sharecare

It’s been 60 degrees in Salt Lake this week and it feels like Spring is in the air! The shift in weather gets me itching to start organizing the house, cleaning up the yard, and doing a little spring cleaning. I’ve also been thinking about doing a little spring cleaning on the inside too.

Since being named the#1 online depression influencer by Sharecare.com I’ve had the chance to guest blog on their website and reach a larger audience with my mental health tips.  I’m thrilled about this new guest blog.

Read 6 Ways To Spring Clean Your Mind

Is something cluttering your mind? What do you do to spring clean your inside? I’d love to hear your comments!

Would You See A Virtual Therapist? Psychology Meets Technology SXSW

I had a great time in Austin last weekend presenting on a South By Southwest Interactive panel about the uses of technology, (Read a summary of tweets on Storify) with Dr. John Grohol, Audrey Jung, and Sarah White. Since the presentation I’ve done a couple of interviews on the topic of how technology can help provide support and education to those struggling with mental health problems.

Here are some highlights from interview this week on the benefits of technology, online therapy, and social media for mental health patients, and some words of caution…

The Virtual Therapist Can See You Now Interview on Sharecare Blog

What is the difference between virtual and face-to-face therapy sessions?

While there’s nothing like sitting face-to-face with a client, video sessions, chat and email counseling can be helpful therapeutic tools, especially for clients who are located in rural areas or who are struggling with physical health or mental health challenges that make leaving home difficult.

When thinking about taking therapy sessions online, what should patients be aware of or consider?

It is extremely crucial for patients to thoroughly research the therapist and make sure that the provider is licensed to practice mental health therapy, is clinically experienced in the area the patient is needing help, has received training in providing distance therapy and has experience providing face-to-face psychotherapy.

Read the entire interview

Taking Mental Health Therapy Online Interview with WCG Common Sense Blog

What are the benefits of online interaction for mental health patients?

Common for mental health patients is a sense of isolation and being alone in their struggles. Social media and other online forums provide amazing opportunities for patients get support and connect with others who are experiencing similar mental health challenges. Developing a supportive online community can act as a way help to normalize their feelings, and provide helpful information, advice and advocacy.

How is technology changing patient/therapist interactions?

While therapists still need to guard against development of dual relationships (relationships outside of the therapy office) with their specific clients, I’m seeing a shift in the way mental health practitioners and patients interact online in terms of sharing educational information.

Read the entire article

6 Simple Ways To Improve Your Mood Now: Guest Blog on DailyStrength

DailyStrength, an amazing social media health and mental health social media website recently invited me to be write an expert guest post on depression. What’s fantastic about the site is that people can join specialized support groups and share resources and gain support from people who are experiencing the same health issues. and also connect with expert health bloggers who share health related information. One of the benefits of being named the #1 online depression influencer is that it opened up larger platforms to educate on mental health issues and this is one of those amazing opportunities.

Watch my guest video post “6 Simple Ways To Boost Your Mood Today”

 

Telling Your Friend Her Child Has Problems: Studio 5


What should you do if you suspect a friend’s child has a problem? Here are my tips for when to step in and when to step back. Ask yourself these 5 questions:

1) How close is this friend?

If you notice that a neighbor’s child is overly aggressive and angry (hitting, biting or throwing things) toward others should you say something? It depends on how close you are to your neighbor. “I’ve noticed that your child sometimes feels things intensely and gets a bit rough with other kids.”

TIP: Bring it up in a tentative, emotionally neutral way
2) Has your friend been open to feedback in the past?

If you’ve given your friend honest feedback in the past it’s more likely that she’ll be open to specific feedback about her child. Even moms who are generally open can easily get defensive when the think their child is being criticized. If you suspect your friend’s child has some kind of emotional or mental disorder like ADHD or Autism, it may be hard for your friend to hear.

TIP: Ask first if she is open to feedback about her child
3) What is your intent?

Look honestly at your motives and intentions. Are you bringing up a concern about your friend’s child to make your little darling look better, or to make yourself look like a better mother than she is? If you suspect that your friend’s child is cheating on tests at school to get straight A’s you may want to check yourself and make sure your motive is really trying to help her child.

TIP: Make sure your intent is to help her child
4) Does this directly impact your child?

If your child is directly affected by your friend’s child’s behavior, then bring your concerns up to your friend. You first priority should be protecting your own child, and preserving you friendship comes second. A common issue with preschool and early elementary school is peers asking to show their “private areas”.

TIP: If it impacts your child, bring it up
5) Are you willing to risk your friendship?

There are some concerns that may be worth risking a friendship. For example, if your friend’s teen is drinking and driving or having unprotected sex with multiple partners and your friend has no clue, for public safety and serious health concerns it may be worth taking a risk and bringing it up.

TIP: Safety and health issues should be discussed