Merry CHRISTmas!

May you have a Christ-centered Christmas filled with hope and faith and joy in Christ.

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares how you can become your child’s “emotion coach” and help her develop emotional health. Watch the segment online!

As a parent, I find it’s often easier to focus on my children’s physical and external needs (food, shelter, clothing, grooming, education, relationships) than on their emotional needs. As a therapist I understand the crucial role that emotions play in our lives, but when I was a new mom and my own children expressed intense emotions, it was challenging to help them work through it. I tried hard not to shame or to dismiss their emotions, but I also didn’t want their intense emotion to rule my life…or theirs. When I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman and his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child several years ago I remember thinking, “This fits with what I intuitively knew about parenting and it describes the parent I want to be!” It provided a framework to help me more effectively help my children understand and express emotions in healthy and productive ways.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research emotionally healthy, emotionally intelligent children are better able to regulate their emotions, calm their heart rate faster after being emotionally upset, had fewer infections, are better at focusing attention, have healthier peer relationships, and perform better academically. The best way to help you children achieve emotional health is to adopt an “emotion coaching” parenting style.

Dr. Gottman’s 5 Steps to Emotion Coaching:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions

2. View emotional expression as opportunity for teaching and intimacy

3. Listen, empathize, and validate your child’s feelings

4. Label emotions in words your child understands

5. Help your child come up with solution or way to manage emotions

Recommended Parenting Books:

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD & Joan Declaire

Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit HERE for more relationship advice.

Join the discussion by posting comments below (your email will be kept private). I’d love to know your favorite parenting books. What do you do to raise emotionally healthy kids?

Has your child been picked on? Inevitably, every child goes through being left out or being teased during recess at some point in their school experience. Read this MSN.com Mom’s Homeroom article on “Recess Rascals” for tips on:

How to know when it’s bullying

When bad behavior isn’t so bad

How to know when it’s bullying & what to do (*I’m quoted in this section)

Read “Recess Rascals” HERE

As I sat this evening on the sidelines watching my daughter’s lacrosse game, I was exhausted and looking forward to sitting down, unwinding, and watching the game. Quickly, my expectations for an hour of relaxation were dashed when my hungry and thirsty and energetic 3 year old daughter Macy began climbing on me, asking for food, refusing to wear her jacket, and sprinting across the long stretch of grass in the opposite direction. I didn’t have the energy to chase her. I didn’t even want to move. 

I made a few idle threats like “You need to stay by me or you’ll have to go to the car” as I wondered, “How long do I have to stay and watch the game so my older daughter feels supported before I can leave to go home, eat, put my feet up and put this little one to bed?” I was emotionally and physically drained (for a variety of reasons and I will spare you the details).

As I was planning my exit strategy I noticed Macy, with her fair skin, yellow pigtails, and no jacket grinning with delight as she ran. Her boundless energy stirred a twinge of jealousy in me, as if somehow her glee was a threat.

Feeling a bit winded Macy sat down on my lap me and noticed that the family sitting next to us had fruit snacks. She asked if she could have one and they gladly shared.  Macy danced and made silly faces while eating it. I thought to myself, “I wish I could be so joyful about small things.” 

As she savored her fruit snack I noticed her slowly moving toward the little girl sitting next to us, trying to get her attention. Within a few minutes Macy had made a new friend and was nestled up in the same chair while the older girl read a book to her.

Over the next 45 minutes these two little girls chased each other, rolled around in the grass, and made a tent with the blanket and chairs, and pretended they were puppies. I marveled at how open Macy was to reaching out and connecting to this girl without fear, and how easily delighted she was by the attention and the playful interaction. It dawned on me that the game was almost over.

During the final few minutes of the game I realized that while Macy was frolicking with her new friend, I had been sitting by this little girl’s mom and we hadn’t exchanged more than a few words. Taking the lead from my 3 year old, I turned to this lovely woman and introduced myself, and began to ask about her and her family. As the final whistle blew, we continued chatting and gathered our chairs and blankets, and mentioned that we’ll likely be seeing a lot more of each other throughout the season. As we walked to the parking lot I felt energized, thanks to my 3 year old.