This includes my low-stress job, friendships, even parenting.  I feel that I don’t belong and it’s only a matter of time before others find out, which scares me. I believe that this has been going on for several years, but I only recently became aware of it. I know that I felt this way the entire time I was in college, but I thought that it was because I hated my major. I don’t feel like my child is really mine, even though I remember giving birth to her. I’m afraid that if I talk to anyone about this that they will take her away.  I’m currently being treated for depression, but I feel like I’m going to explode trying to bottle everything up. What is going on?

A: Thanks for writing in for help. I imagine it’s incredibly painful, confusing, and frightening to wonder if  you’ll be exposed as a fake.

There is a name for the experience you’re describing — “imposter syndrome” or “imposter phenomenon.” While imposter syndrome isn’t an official mental health diagnosis it has been studied and written about by many psychologists. It’s the inability to “digest” and internalize your own life and accomplishments. Several famous individuals, like Jodie Foster, have expressed similar experiences of feeling like they don’t belong,  they don’t deserve the life they have, and that they will be exposed as a fraud. The imposter syndrome is also commonly experienced by many graduate students. It is a stressful way of feeling about your life and may be connected to or contributing to your depression.

You mentioned that you’re currently being treated for depression. I’m unclear as to whether that means you’re taking medication or you’re in therapy. If you’re not in therapy, please look into individual and group therapy, in particular. I think it would be very helpful to hear that other people experience similar feelings. You may enjoy reading this PsychCentral article Feeling like a fraud, and the book “How To Feel As Bright And Capable As Everyone Else Thinks You Are” by Dr. Valerie Young available at her website ImposterSyndrome.com. Thanks again for writing in and best to you on the road to accepting that this is your life, you’ve created it, and you deserve it.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Q: I’m in the first year in university, my story started when I finished high school with high grades but due to money problems I couldn’t attend medicine faculty and now I’m studying pharm.d.

But since I started to study this all people keep asking me why I’m not studying medicine and they feel sorry about me, now I can change my major to dentistry and I’m thinking about attending it because anyway it’s higher than my current major, simply I can just throw off all the people’s talking about me if I do that, actually I’m more interested in practical studying offered in dentistry but I will lose a semester and I will be late, actually I don’t know what I want!
PS: sorry for my language being bad because I’m not a native speaker

A: Young adulthood and the huge decisions that come along with it can be overwhelming. You are not alone.

Your struggle to find your academic and career path are shared by many I’ve seen in clinical practice. There are so many factors to consider and so many people influencing major life decisions that it can be hard to find yourself in the process.

I know it’s difficult, but try to remember that most of the people who are giving you input aren’t going to be in your life forever. The most important person to please in your academic decision is you! You are the one who’s going to be doing the graduate work. You are the one who is going to be going to your job and finding fulfillment or regret, not them.

Have you spoken with a counselor at the university to help guide you through this decision-making process? If you haven’t, I suggest that you do. An academic counselor can help you sort through which educational and career path will be the best fit for you and can help you identify possible financial resources that you may not have considered.

I also recommend talking with professional pharmacists, dentists, and physicians and doing some job shadowing to get a feel for what they do. If you are really having a difficult time deciding, it’s all right to take time off from school to decide, or to switch majors if you find that what you’re doing doesn’t suit you. Yes, you will have lost some credits and it will take longer to graduate, but doing something that you enjoy will be worth it.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks LCSW

photo credit: /kb

A: Click on the arrow below to hear my response…

Podcast: Play in new window

Here are a few additional anxiety resources on Psych Central:

Find a Therapist Here
Information on Psychotherapy for Anxiety Disorders
Psych Central Community Forum for Anxiety, Panic, & Phobia

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

photo credit: spaceodissey

Well, I’m 15 and I’m really sad because my brother always gets everything he goes and sees my dad and gets £30 or more of him every time he gets money for stuff as well everyday and when I go and see my dad all i get is a £5.  My brother also got a xbox connect of my dad. I asked my dad for a xbox 360 and he said he has no money but he always gets my brother stuff and when my brother comes home he brags about it and I’m getting fed up of it. My birthday comes and all he gets me is a little ornament I don’t want to seem ungrateful its just he treats my brother different to me he should treat us both the same but he don’t. I think its favouritism.

A: I can see why you are so confused and sad about not being treated fairly by your father. Dads are the most important male figure in an adolescent daughter’s life. Consider talking with your dad about your hurt. Start by expressing gratitude to your dad for what he has provided for you. Then, gently call his attention to perceived differences in the way he treats you and your brother. Be sure to use “I” statements as much as possible and avoid using accusations like “you always…” and “you never…”. An example of this is “Dad, I feel sad when you give my brother more money than you give to me because I’m afraid it means I’m not as important to you.”

Another issue here is the competitive relationship with your brother. I can’t help but wonder what’s behind his bragging. It sounds like neither of you live with your dad, right? Do either of you have a fear of losing touch with your dad or of not being important to him? Is your brother exaggerating the gifts from dad so he feels more secure about dad’s love for him? I have more questions than answers here so feel free to write back.

It sounds to me like the core issue behind the money and gifts is your hurt and fear about not being as valuable to your dad.  The first place to start is sharing those feelings with your dad and asking for reassurance of his love.

Thank you so much for writing in and asking for help. Please let me know how the conversation goes.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

The problem that I have is that I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. Last summer, I tended to wake up without any emotion at all, then I would be all depressed and thinking I’m fat. Around 1-4 in the evening, I would become apathetic and it would feel like I didn’t have any more feelings. Then, around 6 or so, I would have emotions again. I don’t know if there is anything wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I have no emotion at all and then out of the blue I start to have emotion. It feels like I overreached my limit to how much I can feel at one point and then I have to wait for my emotions to heal or something. Is there a limit to how much I can feel? Is there a limit to how much I can feel one thing? I feel really bored a lot of times but I still have a lot to do. Sometimes, though, it feels like I have to force myself to feel feelings and emotions. I don’t know if there is a problem or something.

A: It does sound like there is a problem, but I need more information before I can provide an answer for you. I suggest that you get in to see a therapist for a mental health evaluation for depression. Feelings of emptiness, lack of enjoyment in life, and focusing on negative thoughts such as “I’m fat” may be symptoms of depression.

I’m curious what was happening around you or inside of you when you’d start to feel again. What activities were you engaged in? How would you describe the transition from “not feeling” to “feeling”? I also have questions about what it felt like to have “no emotions at all.”  Also, I’m curious about your relationships with family and friends and how you’re functioning in other parts of your life, like school or work.  Please write back with more information if you’d like additional advice. Until then, I urge you to seek therapy to help you get to the bottom of your confusing emotional patterns and start working toward enjoying your life.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

Q: I had naturally been apprehensive to meat when I was younger. I liked to eat, but I didn’t really like meat (aside from the taste). Then, 6th grade came along, and I started having problems: depression, (the past, not now) suicidal and many other things. Along with that, a lot of changes were entering my life: I was about to enter junior high, and I had insomnia. Then, I decided to become vegetarian and anorexic. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t a complete vegan at first. I was “98% vege”, meaning that I ate hotdogs/hamburgers/chicken nuggets/bacon/top ramen soup. In seventh grade, I became full-fledged vege, and continued to have problems. In eighth grade, I turned my life around, and was the food nazi: no food additives, no meat, healthy as you can be.

Then I started running in 9th grade, that brought problems of enough energy, so I just ate more. (Oh and I have ran ever since in xc and track up until senior year 2nd semester, now I am training for a marathon). 10th grade came, and I found out that cheese had rennet….so I stopped eating it. 11th grade came, and I learned about gelatin….stopped eating it. 12th grade 1st semester: (btw, I was slower this year), I have stopped eating yeast (they eat things unlike plants, they seem too much like an animal).

Now, I am scared to eat eggs (not because anyone told me anything which I DON’T WANT TO KNOW), or anything with them in it: bread, pasta, brownies….Right now I am reduced to potatoes/rice/beans and some fruits/veges. I want to eat yeast again, and I might want to eat the things with eggs in it (because I used to LOVE pasta and bread)….thing is, I can’t. I am not that caring of a person, I am just slightly autistic and I have sensory issues and images get burned easily in my mind…. What should I do? Oh, and is this more of a mind issue or food issue?

A: Thank you so much for reaching out for help The short answer is that your food issues aren’t really about food. From what you describe, 6th grade was somehow a turning point in your emotional life and you developed depression, insomnia and anorexia. I’m curious about what happened that year. Was there an event or situation that triggered your symptoms? Were there changes in your family or environment?

You mention that in 8th grade you “turned your life around,” and yet you continue to become even more strict about your diet. Controlling what you eat and the size of your body can be a way to gain a sense of control when other parts of life seem out of control.  Focusing on food can be a way to manage intense emotions or a way to numb your emotions in general. I encourage you to get into therapy with an eating disorder specialist in addition to meeting with your doctor for a thorough physical evaluation. To find a therapist in your area click Find Help at the top of this page.

Your food obsession is a sign that you have intense unresolved emotional pain that needs attention, and that you are likely suffering from an eating disorder. Please, seek help so you can heal from your food obsessions and learn healthier ways to cope with the difficulties that you’ve experienced in your life.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

Q: I am a 17 year old High School student and I have felt this conflict my entire life, but only now can I ignore it no longer.

Amidst all of the discussion about college and ‘finding the right fit,’ I have realized that the major internal problem I have is that I lack an identity, lack interests, lack emotions, and therefore have trouble with social interaction. I am hopelessly apathetic at heart, and I don’t know how to reconcile the true ‘me’ with the image others expect–that of a ‘normal’ person who has passions and desires. I care about nothing–not politics or current events, not my friends or family or other people, not sports or music or art. Outwardly, I am a high-achieving, well-rounded student. I do well in every subject and participate in a variety of extracurricular activities, some of which I hold leadership positions in. However, none of them truly interests me, and I only continue them to get into college. Nothing ‘outside’ school much concerns me either. The various problems of society don’t matter to me, even when I’m affected. Occasionally a particularly poignant tragedy or example will make feel like helping out, but on the whole, I am completely apathetic. The same goes for the social aspects of my life. My childhood, family, and friendships were and are normal, but I do not have emotional connections to anyone; if somebody ‘close’ to me died, I would only be concerned with how it would affect my own convenience. I don’t have any academic, athletic, or arts-related interests either, and I do not believe the problem is lack of exposure. The only things I like to do are things that make me forget my existence and consciousness–playing games or reading a book or watching television, but the appreciation I have for those things is completely aesthetic and surface-level.

Left alone, I would be fine with this situation and content with engaging myself in passive activities for the rest of my life. However, society demands interaction. I sometimes have difficulty projecting the ‘right’ appearance in conversations and social interactions because I never feel anything (happiness at a friend’s success, sadness at someone’s death, gladness when someone praises me). Most days I do not have trouble interacting with people, but the times when I ‘mess up’ cause me great consternation because I am somewhat of a perfectionist and do not want people to think of me badly. I do not believe I have a social disorder because I understand what people mean and what kind of reaction to give–I just cannot act out that reaction because I do not truly feel it and I do not have enough acting prowess to express that emotion believably. People occasionally comment that my expression is too serious (that’s my default expression–blankness that is misinterpreted as seriousness, sadness, etc.), that I do not smile–in fact, I barely move, because I have trouble acting out body language as well even though I know what the proper response is. The emotions I do feel in social interactions are solely derived from self-consciousness–did I smile enough just then? Do I look relaxed? Most of all, do I look NORMAL? This kind of nervousness impedes my acting and therefore my daily interactions. Because I want to look what ‘normal’ is in any situation, I project different personalities to different people, causing conflicts when I deal with them together. I cannot just ‘let things go’ and be who I am–silent, still–in public; I want to look normal, but I can’t seem to force my body to comply.

What should I do? I want to make my social interactions normal so that I can live more conveniently–’conveniently’ in this case means in a state where my physical needs are attended to and I am left alone and not thought about much by others, where I fit in, so that when alone I can drown myself in fiction and escapist activities. If I have a disorder or psychological problem with this lack of emotions–perhaps a refusal to recognize them?–I want to be able to deal with it. However, I don’t think I could deal with speaking to a counselor in real life because my guard would always be up, always trying to act and never expressing what I truly mean. I won’t be trite and say that I am spiraling down into darkness, but this problem truly does bother me.

A: It sounds extremely exhausting to be constantly on guard worrying about the appropriateness of your social interactions, especially when your internal state doesn’t match your behavior.

I’m so glad that you are reaching out for help to find your way through this confusing situation. Yes, it does sound like there is a problem going on, either psychologically or medically. I recommend that you seek help from a counselor to get an evaluation, and to get a thorough physical exam from a physician. There are many medical and mental illnesses that can cause the blank feelings that you’re describing and the feeling of disconnection and despair. While I can’t diagnose you based on an email, the emptiness that you are describing sounds like severe depression. To learn more about the symptoms and treatment for different types of depression click here.

You mentioned that you’re not sure you can put your guard down with a counselor, but keep in mine that psychotherapists are trained to help you lower your guard over time, to help you get to the root of the problem, and to help you develop skills to live a more fulfilling life. Additionally, a therapist can help you resolve any life events or relationship problems that may have contributed to shutting down your emotions and help you to reconnect with who you are, how you feel, and what you want.

I have seen many clients in my clinical practice develop the disconnection that you are describing after experiencing trauma or loss as a way of protecting themselves against further pain. If you need help finding a good therapist in your area click the Find Help link on PsychCentral. Don’t wait. Life and relationships can be much more rewarding than what you are currently experiencing and there are many, many resources available to help you. Please let your parent, guardian, or school counselor know that you need help so they can support you and help you.

I urge you to get professional help so you can reconnect to your emotions and find joy and fulfillment in your life.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

Q: My son is now 13 and had been diagnosed ED / ADHD since he was 3. I was a single mom the first 4 years of his life, and married when he was four.

I now have two other boys, 2 and 4, and my husband and I are struggling to deal with the oldest’s behaviors. It is actually causing me to be very depressed at times and it is straining our marriage. I’m not sure what I can do, to help him and us. I feel like I’m going to literally lose my mind on a daily basis. I end up snapping at everyone or not dealing with normal issues, because I feel so overwhelmed.

My son’s therapist suggested I see someone, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing I need. Help? I’m afraid of losing my son to his illness, my husband because of the difficulties with son, and my sanity in it all.

A: Thanks for reaching out for help. You’ve hung in there a long time with your son’s illness and it sounds like it’s wearing you down emotionally.

I’m glad to know that your son is in therapy, and from what you’re describing, it sounds like it is time for you to get some help. I suggest specifically being assessed for depression and anxiety. The irritability, overwhelming feelings, and fears you’re describing deserve attention and treatment. It’s common for parents of children with chronic mental health issues to feel discouraged, down, overwhelmed, and scared. It’s also common to feel isolated, alone, and helpless.

After seeking support for you, I recommend accessing additional help for you and your family. Since you already have a relationship with your son’s therapist, he or she may be an excellent referral source for additional support services. Have you discussed with your son’s therapist your need for specific skills to manage your son’s behavior, or requested to include the family in the treatment process? If your son’s therapist isn’t comfortable with family therapy, ask if there are any recommended colleagues who work with marriage and family issues. Also, ask your son’s therapists for book recommendations about your son’s specific struggles. If you haven’t already done so, it may be helpful to read about your son’s illnesses, and encourage your husband to do the same. Gaining more understanding about what your son is going through may help you frame his illness in a more manageable way, help you less overwhelmed, and help you feel more prepared to support him.

Check with your local school district about parenting classes and support groups for children and families with ADHD and other behavior problems. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by my suggestions, ask your husband to help you research additional services to help your family during this time of crisis.

Take good care of you and yours!
Julie Hanks, LCSW

This post was originally published on my PsychCentral Ask the Therapist column

Q: First off I would like to thank you for taking the time out to help me. But the problem is I’m depressed but nobody knows it.

Half the reason I am is because I have no really close friends to hang out with or etc. While everybody is usually going to the movies, the beach, or somewhere fun I’m at home. My mother has started to notice it, she always suggests I hangout with my friends but truth is I don’t have the heart to tell her I don’t really have any. It started at the age of 11 when I started to notice I didn’t have a lot of friends like all the other kids did.

I have tried on several attempts to makes friends, but all miserably failed. I try not to be clingy or to appear desperate. I think I have been cursed not to have any friends and it kills me every single day. I don’t wanna go talk to a counselor in person, it makes me feel even more abnormal. And I don’t wanna tell my parents because they’ll feel bad for me and I hate it when people feel sympathy for me.

I’m just tired of feeling so alone all the time, I mean it used to not bother me as bad but now that I’m getting older it really has taken a toll on me. I just wish I had somebody to talk to, or to share my feelings with. I’ve tried to make friends before but I’m probably what you could call a “outcast” I don’t really fit in and it really does bug me.

Another reason why I’m depressed is I get made fun of a lot. Every time I got to school I get called fat, ugly, pig, horse face, I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but it does. It gets so bad sometimes that I feel like just running to the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Getting made fun of has really taken a toll on my confidence as well. I used to be really confident now I can’t even stand looking at myself in the mirror.

Another thing is I always compare myself to my cousins. I mean I’m the youngest of the family. All of my cousins are gorgeous, have an abundance of friends. They always have someone took talk to. They don’t know it but their the only ones I hang out with. I haven’t been to an actual friends house in over a year. Which is pretty bad if your my age. I just wish I could be happy and perfect like they are.

Thank you for listening and really do hope you respond, because the truth is this is my only hope. And again thank you for taking the time out to read my “story”.

A: Thanks for reaching out for help so you can start to feel better. It is painful, especially during the teen years, to be excluded from peers and to feel on the outside of social events.

I feel bad that you’ve been so mistreated by your peers. No one deserves to be bullied, made fun of and tormented, including you. If this is happening at school, please reach out to a counselor or administrator so they can help put a stop to this cruel behavior and make sure that they keep your identity private so you don’t have to suffer retaliation from peers. Their behavior is unacceptable.

I’m curious about your comment, “I hate it when people have sympathy for me.” Sympathy and empathy are ways that people express love and concern for you, which is what we all ultimately want and need. I know it feels like a huge risk, but the only way to help the loneliness is to let someone in and share your painful feelings with — your parents, or a trusted teacher or school counselor. Please let someone know how down and alone you feel. Please talk to your parents about your depression and ask them for help in finding a counselor in your area who works with adolescents. Also, your parents or counselor can help you find an adolescent therapy group to help you practice relating to peers in positive ways, help you understand why relationships are so difficult for you, and develop the skills to build and maintain strong friendships.

It’s hard to believe, but your life can get better and you can have meaningful relationships, but the first step is to let someone in your life know about your pain and ask them for help.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally published in PsychCentral.com’s Ask the Therapist

Hi. At last I have found one good place to open up myself. I’m going through the very common quarter life crisis… And I’m really confused.

A little of background about me. I’m from India and 26 old. As typical orthodox family in India my parents started seeing for marriage proposals. During the same time I started liking a friend in my office. It was around after 3 months I felt within very strong feeling towards him. I proposed to him but he was not ready for commitment. I decided to wait for him and be friends with him. But after that he happened to meet a gal and she fell in love with him and proposed him too. Things went worse in my life – seeing her being and mad about him. After 2 and half yrs. he decided to go ahead with other gal and coincidentally my parent were able to find a good marriage proposal at the same time. He got married to other gal and i went ahead with my parents. After this, the marriage proposal also didn’t go well, as I found the guy to be very rude and never understanding me. I decided to quit it and conveyed to my parents, and after a lot of discussions, my parents dropped it.

During all these tough time in life I had a very good friend who supported me and understood me and cared for me a lot who proposed me for marriage as well but I never had any feelings for him more than as a friend. I’m really confused what I should do. I always wanted my life partner to be as a good friend and lover and I’m not sure whether my feelings would change towards him. Any guidance?? Please help me. I’m really worried to go ahead with my parents marriage proposal again. I don’t like anyone in my life now.

A: What a difficult situation you’re in. While I am unfamiliar with the cultural norms of arranged marriages in India, I do know that it’s painful to have a man you love choose to marry someone else. If I’m understanding your question correctly, you’re wondering if you should marry your “good friend” with the hope that romantic feelings develop, or if you should go ahead with the arranged marriage with to a man who doesn’t treat you well. A man who treats you poorly during courtship is likely to continue to mistreat you after marriage. If your parents agreed to “drop” the arranged marriage after you shared your concerns with them, then I suggest you let go of that relationship for good and seek out other options for marriage.

There is a third option I’d like to suggest and that is to not move forward with either option. Please take some time and figure out what you value most in your life and what you want in your relationships. The decision to marry is one of the biggest and far-reaching decisions you’ll ever make. You may want to consider continuing to date your “very good friend” nonexclusively and see if any deeper feelings develop, while you continue to meet other people. While romantic feelings can develop over time, there’s no guarantee that they will. Since it seems that your parents responded to your concerns before, I encourage you to consult them again and ask for their help in finding other men to court.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally posted in my PsychCentral.com column

Q: I started out with anorexia but now am bulimic/anorexic and have been this way for about 3 yrs now.

I am on a binge/purge cycle and have purged everyday at least since November. One person knows about my ED and I am so scared to get help even though I know that I need it. I am fully aware of the dangers of bulimia. I am being treated for one of the symptoms of bulimia, which is passing out because of malnutrition. However, the doctors did not figure out that it is due to an ED. I’m 18 so I can get help without my family knowing which is a big deal for me because I can not let them know. They have a lot to deal with right now plus my mother does not really understand how to deal with things. Shes Bipolar and every once in a while has a Schizophrenic episode. I am scared of my father and stay away from him so I can’t tell him either, my whole family dynamic is screwy. However, I am considering getting help for my ED. What should I expect if I do decide to go to a therapist? What kind of questions will they ask me. Thanks for your help.

A: First of all, I’m so glad that you are considering eating disorder treatment because the fact that you are passing out means that you are not only suffering from psychological problems but that you are in physical danger too.

Please disclose your eating disorder to your physician so he or she can be a resource for you and can help you find a psychotherapist or eating disorder treatment center.

While every therapist is different, I can give you a general idea of what to expect on your initial evaluation session. The initial session is an assessment where you’ll sit down in the therapist’s office and talk about what brings you to therapy; you’ll get a feel for the therapist’s style. This session will include filling out some paperwork – a mental health and family relationship history, rating scales or a brief checklist to establish a baseline to track your progress, and a release of information so your therapist can communicate and coordinate care with your physician and request your medical records, if needed. After gathering this information, the therapist will give you a diagnosis and make treatment recommendations. The recommendations may include outpatient psychotherapy, intensive outpatient psychotherapy, or inpatient treatment.

As you seek a therapist, make sure you find one who specializes in treating eating disorders. A great resource to find a therapist is available PsychCentral.com’s Find Help link. Another excellent resource is EDReferral.com and they have several eating disorder therapists listed in your state. It can be helpful to meet with a few different therapists so you can find one you feel most comfortable talking with and you feel most confidence in. Just like any other relationship, you’ll click with some therapists over others. Consider your physical symptoms as warning signs telling you that you need to address this problem now. Please, don’t wait to get help.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

*This article originally appear in PsychCentral’s Ask the Therapist column

I have been married for 15 years. I have grown very much but he has not. He will not deal with any issues between us. He is really immature. He never accepts responsibility for his part in any problem. (Everything is always my fault according to him.) We went to counseling two times but the same thing happened. He only argued with the counselor and she said she couldn’t talk to him. 

I started my own business in 2004 so I could become financially independent so I could divorce my husband. I am still too poor to leave him, but my finances are getting a little better. I think in a year I will have money to leave. I am so antsy. I can hardly stand him. Everyday I say in my mind, “I hate him so much.” It is so difficult for me. Other people do not like him either. He is anti-social. We have no “couple” friends because no one likes him. I can hardly stand it anymore. I need to do something.

A: I’m so glad that you are reaching out for help and advice with your difficult marital situation. It sounds like you feel trapped and extremely resentful that your husband won’t own up to his contribution to your distressed marriage and continue seeing a counselor. Considering his defensiveness, I’m surprised that your husband actually attended two counseling sessions. On some level, that tells me that he does care about the relationship and about you.

I have several questions for you. Does your husband know how seriously you are considering divorce? Does he know exactly what you’re looking for from him in order for you to stay happily in your current marriage? Does he want to stay in the marriage?

If you haven’t told him how desperate you feel, it may be time to let him know. Tell him how lonely you are and how you long for a closer relationship with him, but that you are losing hope about this marriage unless you can find a way to feel closer to him. If he isn’t willing to go to marriage counseling again, ask him what he is willing to do. Is he willing to go to a marriage retreat? Attend a workshop? Will he read a book? I recommend that you both read the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations For A Lifetime Of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson to understand the root of the disconnection that your marriage is stuck in. If he isn’t willing to do anything to improve the relationship, then it’s clear that you need to make a change and continue with your plan of becoming financially independent so you can move on.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column

Q: Hi! I had a pretty unstable childhood growing up and worked really hard to accept the life I had and move on as well as love the life I have now.

The problem I struggle with is habits from my parents that I have adopted myself. I struggle with a temper problem when I feel things are getting out of control and it is becoming a huge problem for me. I want to not get so upset over little things and have prayed really hard for help. I know that my parents acted that way but I want to be different. So I guess my question is how can I overcome the way I was taught to act and be the person I know I can be? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

A: How wonderful that you recognize the need to better manage your temper and move beyond the negative patterns you absorbed from your parents.

I’ve worked with many clients who’ve had similar struggles and a strong desire to act in a more patient and kind way than their parents. Have you considered doing some counseling to work through some of the emotional pain, abandonment, and loss of your early experiences? If not, I’d like to suggest that you consider it. LDSCounselors.net is a great resource to find an LDS counselor in your area.

In my clinical experience, temper problems and other troubling behaviors usually stem from a “younger” part of your self, a part that holds unresolved pain, and can be seen as a signal that there is some earlier emotion or experience that needs attention. Here an example to illustrate this process. Say you have a sick child who is whining and needing extra attention for several days in a row. If, in your own childhood, you had to deal with your own pain, emotional or physical, alone or without adequate comfort from parents, feelings of resentment may arise in response to your child’s needs. It may feel unjust that he has someone to take care of him and you didn’t. That resentment may manifest itself as an angry outburst that seems to come out of nowhere.

In addition to counseling, start noticing the smaller physical cues that you’re starting to feel overwhelmed and that things “are getting out of control”. These cues may be tense shoulders, racing heart, confusion, feeling like you need to escape, to name a few. My guess is that you are still in the process of learning to recognize and attend to subtle emotional cues so the small signals build up until you have an outburst that requires your attention.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie

Send me your love & relationship questions here!

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Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor on KSL TV’s Studio 5, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central and Latter-day Woman Magazine.

My boyfriend and I dated for four months. After we first broke up, we started talking again. We talked for three months. Then I found out that the reason why he broke up with me was because he liked my sister.

I was really hurt, but I still talked to him because I really, really cared about him. I could forgive him even if he liked my sister.

Another month passes by and we are still talking to each other. Then one night, I confront him about him liking my sister. He said that he used to get a feeling when he was around my sister, but he doesn’t get it anymore. He told me that he really cared about me now. I forgave him.

After another month, we went for a second shot at our relationship. We lasted for another 3 months. He broke up with me on a text.

After my relationship with him, I’ve become a really jealous person of my sister. I don’t like to have the same guy friends as her. I don’t like her talking to my guy friends. I don’t like her hanging out with me. I like to keep my life separate for hers now. I need to get over my jealousy issue with my sister.

Please help me.

A: Your jealousy toward your sister is certainly understandable given your ex-boyfriend’s attraction to her, but your intense jealousy is misplaced.

Your ex is the one who hurt you, not your sister. I think you’re pushing your sister away to avoid getting hurt again, but it’s not going to work. Some guys will like you and others will like your sister. As long as you’re focused on keeping your sister away from all of your male friends you’ll stay stuck in the jealousy instead of learning how to move on in a healthy way after a relationship breakup.

Feeling hurt and betrayed after a breakup is normal, and the fact that your boyfriend broke up with you via text doesn’t say much about his character. When you feel the jealousy toward your sister coming up, identify it for what it is — hurt and fear. I think that the real question is why would you choose to get back together with a guy who told you he had feelings your sister? I recommend that you focus less on your sister and more on building your own feelings of self-worth so you can feel deserving of a relationship with someone who wants to be with you.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column

Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central! and Latter-day Woman Magazine.

Since I was ten, before I knew his name, I was sexually obsessed with him. That obsession later turned into this “relationship” I made up. I have lost myself, believing that we have many things in common, and that he really loves me even though we never meet. I feel like I will never get over this. I am in a happy relationship now, for over a year, but these sexually desires for this celebrity keep coming back. I come up with these fantasies that his children will love me, his friends want us to be together. I have had a fantasy that he has been looking for me his whole life. I can’t stop.

A: It’s wonderful that you’re wanting to get to the bottom of your obsession by reaching out for help.

In order to figure out why this fantasy relationship has such a hold on you, I urge you to dig deeper and discover what this celebrity represents to you, emotionally and relationally. It sounds like in this fantasy love relationship you feel desired, special, treasured, accepted, and embraced by someone special — the very things that we all long for and look for in our love relationships. The problem isn’t in wanting those things, but in holding on to a fantasy that will never really satisfy your needs instead of finding ways to get your emotional needs met in real-life relationships. The intensity of your fantasy and the large age difference between you and and this celebrity makes me suspect that you have a “hole in your soul” regarding an important male relationship in your early life that needs some attention and healing.

Here are a few questions to help you start looking deeper and start to discover what this fantasy is really about and why it is so intense and long-lasting.

• Did you feel loved and accepted by your father?
• Did you have any losses, neglect or abuse involving males in your life?
• When you are thinking about having this celebrities love what emotions, in addition to sexual attraction, come up inside you?

As you sort through your emotions your fantasies will still continue to surface. When they do I recommend framing them in a non-judgmental way that includes identifying what the desires are really about. For example, you might say to yourself, “Hello celebrity obsession. Thanks for letting me know that I still have some emotional healing to do when it comes to my male relationships. I’m working on that. Goodbye” After acknowledging the fantasy, don’t focus on it, but turn to your current relationship for connection and comfort.

If I had more information about your relationship history I could help you make more sense of your obsession. Since I don’t, please consider seeking a counselor to help you get to the emotional root of your obsession and begin to heal your unmet needs. Click on the Psych Central Find Help link to find a psychotherapist in your area to help you move on from this celebrity obsession and find more satisfaction and fulfillment in reality.

Take good care of yourself!

This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column

Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central! and Latter-day Woman Magazine.

I feel extremely anxious when doing tasks (even small ones like packing/unpacking a suitcase). This is the same with grocery shopping or attempting my homework. I then push everything aside and get nothing done. My habits of cleanliness such as my apartment have declined because I refuse to motivate myself to clean. I’ll find myself in the kitchen then in the bedroom for some reason the randomly in the bathroom, ultimately accomplishing nothing. I get distracted by TV a lot and it impedes my homework. I also feel pressured on what to do when I finish my masters and feel like I’m too lackadaisical to even search for jobs. My relationship with my boyfriend is also affected by this in that I’ll freak out on him, refuse sex, and find him at the mercy of which high or low I’ll be on. I’ll also find myself drinking and smoking cigarettes more often to avoid doing work or tasks. I feel like I have adult ADD due to these symptoms and have spoken with my mother, who revealed she believes she has it as well but was never properly diagnosed. I would like to know what to do and what would happen if I see a psychiatrist.

A: Next time you talk with your mom ask her if she recalls you having similar attention problems in elementary school.

While your symptoms do sound a lot like adult ADD, it’s important to determine whether you experienced these symptoms during childhood or whether they are new. If all of your symptoms are recent, it’s very unlikely that you have ADD. If they’ve been going on for years, it’s more likely that you have have ADD.

There are other possible explanations for your recent changes in your behavior and emotions. Depression or anxiety disorders often emerge in young adulthood and symptoms are similar to what you’re describing – difficulty concentrating, irritability, lack of motivation. ADD is often associated with other mental health conditions as well, so there may be a combination of issues that you’re struggling with.

Your idea about getting an evaluation by a psychiatrist is right on target! An evaluation will provide a clear diagnosis and suggest course of treatment to help you manage your symptoms. Your doctor will likely recommend medication or psychotherapy, or a combination of both.

If you’ve never had a psychiatric or mental health evaluation, it’s natural to be a little nervous because you have no idea what to expect. When you set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, he or she might give you some questionnaires to fill out before the appointment. During your appointment he or she will perform an in-depth interview with you. Medical or psychological testing may also be recommended. In addition to your evaluation and psychotherapy, you and your boyfriend may want to consider couples counseling to help repair any damage to your relationship.

You are in a stressful time of life full of transitions and important decisions – graduate school, serious relationships, career choices. These can be exciting and incredibly stressful. Make sure you’re taking care of your basic needs by getting adequate sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular recreation and exercise. No matter what your diagnosis, all of these lifestyle choices will help you manage your symptoms and will contribute to your overall health and happiness.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column

Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central! and Latter-day Woman Magazine

I always push away good women and have trouble letting go of the women who hurt me. I feel the need to seek approval and love from women who don’t return the love.

A: What a painful dynamic to be dealing with.

I’m guessing that you might even feel like you’ll never have your love and safety needs met in relationships. While I don’t know your history, I can guess that this pattern likely has roots in an important early relationship in which your needs for safety, love, and nurturing were not met, or where you were physically or emotionally abandoned, abused or neglected. I have seen this pattern in my clinical practice over and over again, so I want to reassure you that you are not alone in feeling stuck in a pattern of seeking unhealthy relationships.

Our earliest attachments to our parents or guardians provides a template for our future relationships, especially when it comes to our sexual relationships. It is likely that your current pattern with lovers is an extension of an earlier pattern where you experienced yourself as undeserving of love and nurturing and you internalized feelings of shame (“I’m bad”). Please seek psychotherapy to help you identify and resolve this painful pattern and discover how lovable you really are. Through psychotherapy you can work to resolve any childhood wounds or unhealthy patterns that are getting in the way of you giving and receiving love. To find a therapist in your area who can help you please click on the Find Help link at the top of the page and look for some one with experience in trauma and family of origin issues. I have seen many clients heal from this destructive relationship patterns and go on to have fulfilling relationships, so I have hope that you can too.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column

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Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central! and Latter-day Woman Magazine

I never ended up going but I did look it up and a lot/almost all of it related to me. I never thought much of it because I just thought I was a normal teenage girl who liked to party a little too much, didn’t really know who I was, and was sad & insecure sometimes.

I recently got into a relationship, about 4 months ago, I’ve never been in one before. I don’t even know how to act in a relationship because I usually push the other person away in fear that once they get to know me they’ll leave me, so I leave first. He’s the first guy I’ve ever had any sort of real connection with but we fight a lot. For the most part we usually fight because of me, I get these feelings and emotions that come out of no where and I freak out about. For some reason they made me look up borderline personality disorder and I relate more then ever. I don’t know if it’s all coming out because I just have no idea how to function in a relationship or because something really is wrong. I just don’t think it’s that hard to learn how to be in a relationship and I don’t think most people go through this. I constantly need reassurance that he likes, that he thinks I’m pretty, that he likes my body, that I’m important to him. When he’s not around, all I can think is that I could be single, that it would be better that way. When he’s with me all I can think is that I never want to be alone again. Every little detail I found myself getting upset over, I start fights over stupid things. I also find myself thinking; If he’s not with me and he’s not texting me I think he’s cheating because why would someone like him want anything to do with someone like me? But then sometimes I think I could get a way better looking guy then him, that I’m too good for him.

I’m sure I could go on but this is the gist of whats going on. Everything just seems so black and white. Either I think things are perfect or everything has going to shit. Is something wrong with me, I keep wondering? Maybe I’m too insecure or jealous or something. I don’t know whats going on, I don’t know why I can’t let things just be. I just wanted some advice on this, thanks in advance.

A: What an insightful young woman you are. I’m glad that you are reaching out for help with your confusing and painful emotions and trying to figure out what to do to feel better.

I agree with you and with your doctor. What you are describing does sounds like characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. The fact that you are in your first relationship, and with someone you have a connection to is likely heightening your fears and insecurities, but is probably not causing them.

Please reach out to a psychotherapist in your area who specializes in working with BPD to get an official diagnosis, and to get help to understand and manage your intense emotions, change what you believe about yourself, and to learn more effective ways of relating to others. The good news is that treatment is available and can be very effective, but it will take a long-term commitment to healing on your part. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is among the most effective treatments for BPD. I urge you to contact your doctor to get a referral to a therapist or to click the Find Help on Psych Central’s website and find a therapist who specializes in personality disorders and begin your journey of healing.

Take good care of yourself!

Send me your relationship and mental health questions here!

This post originally appeared in my Psych Central Ask the Therapist column

_______________________________________________________________________________________
Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central! and Latter-day Woman Magazine

Q: I have a 6 1/2 year old daughter. My husband was married and divorced before and has 2 children. We haven’t told her any lies about anything but we haven’t told her the “whole” story about everything.

I didn’t really think she was old enough to need to know or understand. I also want to preserve her innocence as well as foundation about her parent’s marriage. She is getting older now though, and obviously seeing more; her brothers are rarely with us so she knows they have another mom and things like that. I don’t know what or how to tell her; I am just terrified that it will shatter her reality of what her life is and should be to know her Dad was married to someone else before. I know she doesn’t need any details, but she will be asking more questions, and I really don’t know what to say. I know this was a very long question but any help or advice you could give me would be so appreciated. I wish I could come see you for counseling but I do not have the means to do that. Thank you for your emails and advice that you give out to me and others who are in the same situation.

A:  She may not be as traumatized as you think by knowing that her dad was married before, as long as you and your husband have made peace with his past.

Was there some kind of behavior on her dad’s part that led to the divorce like a affair or addiction or abuse in her dad’s past that you’re trying to shield her from? More important than saying the right things to your daughter is to examine your own feelings about the situation. I wonder if you’re projecting your own fears or insecurities about your husband’s previous marriage and children with another woman onto your daughter. Your daughter will take the emotional cues from you on how to think and feel about this situation. The more you can accept your husband’s past, the better your daughter will be able to accept it and integrate it into her life story in a healthy way.

My advice is for you and your husband to talk to your daughter about his past marriage in an honest, straightforward, and simple way. It might sound something like this, “Dad and I love each other very much and we love you. Before we got married, your Dad was married to ____ and they had your brothers. Their marriage ended. Dad and I found each other and fell in love and had you – one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It might be kind of hard to understand this grown up stuff but if you have any questions about it, you can always come to me and Dad.”

Thanks for your email and feel free to drop me a note and let me know how the conversations go! Take good care of you and yours.

Have a question for me? Send me your family relationship and emotional health questions here!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central, and Latter-day Woman Magazine

Q: “My big question is how do you tell your spouse to turn off his cell phone?

I am a stay-at-home mom so as soon as hubby gets home from work, my mouth keeps going
about my day, then the cell phone rings, but he has to take the call
because that is our income. So what do you do? He has to take the call
no matter what time of day because it could mean more money for us,
but wow, I want him to listen to me. What do I do?”

A: The goal is really less about getting him to turn off his phone, but more about helping him to hear your longing to be closer to him.

The good news is that you’re still trying to figure out how to get your husband’s full attention and to let him know how much you’ve missed him during the day.  My guess is that you’re husband has no idea how much you need him, how much you miss him, and how you look forward to reconnecting with him when he arrives home.  The goal is really less about getting him to turn off his phone, but more about understanding your heart and your longing to be closer to him.

As you approach this touchy subject with your husband make sure that your goal is not to control his behavior but to deepen your understanding of one another.  Complaining and criticizing rarely get you what you want and often backfire by creating more disconnection.  Ask yourself how you’re doing in really getting his heart about the burden and responsibility he feels in providing for your family in an uncertain economy. What is it like for him to feel so much pressure to be immediately available to his clients, employees, or whatever the case may be even when he’s not at work.

Here’s a great formula for expressing yourself in a kind, clear, and direct way.

I feel _____________________ (your emotion)

when you __________________(his specific behavior)

because I think ______________ (your thought).

It would mean a lot to me if _____________________ (your requested behavior change).

Try something like “I feel sad and scared when you take phone calls while I’m talking to you because I think that I’m not important to you. It would mean a lot to me if you would turn off the phone for 20 mins. right when you get home so I can touch base with you and have your full attention. When you’re gone at work I really miss you. I appreciate how hard you work to provide for our family.”

Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is a licensed therapist, self & relationship expert, media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy.  Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com for individual, couple, family, & group counseling services designed to strengthen you and your family. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours on the Women’s Information Network (The Win), and hear Julie every Monday morning at 7AM on B98.7!