Q: If something was to happen to me my brother would not be able to survive.  I need help. My mother adopted my brother at 13 whom is 21 now.  He had been foster care since he was 2 years old.  They labeled him as mentally ill.  We would hit is head on the wall, get upset and not talk for hours, and walk with his head shaking and hand dangling.  He was in LD classes in school and had visited 33 different schools in his lifetime.  Growing up he moved to main stream classes and currently he is in his 3rd year in college but just started taking regular classes.  My mother passed away in 2007 and it was left to my dad to raise him.  My dad tried to get him help and was told that he could take care of himself.  My dad could not handle it any longer so I took him in.  It took him 7 times to pass his test to get his license.  He does maintain a dish washing job.  The best I can discribe him is he can do things but needs to be reminded and has no sense of reasoning.  Only follows directions but will follow them exactly.  Just yesterday he didn’t understand that if he couldn’t make it to work that he had to let them know.  He thought he could just go in the next day and tell them.  I have remind him to clean his room, and he isn’t apart of the household.  He just stays in his room all the time.  I have realized he needs someone for a lifetime and I can’t provide it.  I am a single mother of three girls and need help.  He needs help with his finances.  I didn’t realize that til he was 500 dollars in the hole and wasn’t paying any bills.  I just don’t know where to start to get him the help that he needs.  Please help.

A: Thanks for writing in for help. I want to commend your for taking in your brother. That is very courageous. It sounds extremely difficult to see no end in sight, and to know how vulnerable he would be in the world without someone to guide and support him. I believe that there are two things that need to happen at this point: 1) access additional support for your brother and 2) find  help and relief for you so you don’t completely burn out.

Does your brother have an official diagnosis? If not, I recommend that you take your brother in for psychological testing and evaluation. Depending on his diagnosis, he may be eligible for additional resources and care through your state, and may qualify for disability benefits. Please consider contacting NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in North Carolina and inquire about advocacy and support services in your area, and contact your community social services agency here. Your brother may be eligible for some type of supervised housing situation, occupational therapy for life management skills, and other services. Putting some long-term help in place for your brother will hopefully alleviate some of your current burden and decrease your concerns about him if something should happen to you.

In the short run let’s get you some additional help. Can your father take shifts caring for your brother to give you a break on a regular basis? Are there any adult day care services in your area where you could know he was safe? There are resources available. Please reach out for support for both of you.

Take good care of you and yours!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Q: I have acknowledged the fact that I have an anger problem, but I have not been able to find a way to deal with it. When I get angry I scream, curse, and get verbally abusive with the person that I am angry with. I have broken objects by throwing them across the room or by simply breaking them myself. I have injured myself by punching and kicking walls and random objects. Whenever I try to control my anger I feel light-headed, weak and shaky. After my anger passes I feel frustrated because I couldn’t control myself and break down in tears.

I have seen a therapist before for my anger issues and it only helped me for a couple of days before I was my old self again. While in therapy the therapist handed me a paper with a list of questions, one of the questions being; “have you ever been sexually abused?” I answered no, even though I experienced sexual abuse as a child. When I was 7 I started being abused by a close family member, it lasted until I turned 11 1/2 years old (when I started puberty.) I have never told anybody about it because I feel embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that the abuse lasted for so long. I know that the abuse was not my fault but I find myself constantly blaming myself for it because I never told anyone about it. I’m now 21 years old and I am afraid that I will hurt someone due to my anger. The relationships that I have been in before have not lasted long due to my anger and I’m tired of not being in control of my emotions.

I am seeking advice for what I should do to try and resolve my problem. I know that by talking about my abuse with someone I might be able to let the emotions that I have locked inside out, but I know that I will never be able to talk to someone about it due to the embarrassment that I feel. So I’m kind of at an edge here. Any type of advice would be helpful and greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Click the arrow below to listen to the therapist’s response…

*

To find a therapist who can help resolve your abuse issues click Find Help.  Please visit www.malesurvivor.org for more resources to heal from male childhood sexual abuse.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

*This is my first Ask the Therapist AUDIO response. What do you think? Like it, hate it? Let me know your thoughts.

Since December, I’ve been in touch with the great folks at Sharecare who are passionate about connecting people with accurate health information online. A few weeks ago I chatted with the delightful Anne Kerueger, the Editorial Director at Sharecare.com about my life experience, how I became a therapist in the mental health field, what I wish clients understood, and why I’m thrilled when high-profile stars talk about their mental illness.

Read 3 Things A Therapist Wants You To Know

Oh, and feel free to comment on the article too.

1) Bad Hair Day

Sometimes even small appearance flaws can ruin your day! A big blemish on your face, bad hair day, a skin rash can leave you feeling self-conscious.

Tip: “Unlink” self-esteem and appearance

While appearance often impacts how you feel about yourselves, it doesn’t have to define you.

Tip: Remember that you are not your body

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” C.S. Lewis quotes

2) After Baby Body

With every good change in life there are also accompanying losses. Body changes are the price you agree to pay for carrying and delivering a baby.

Tip: Give yourself permission to grieve the losses

Your hips may never be the same size again, the stretch marks are here to stay. Feel the sadness about the changes and then move forward.

Tip: Buy clothes that fit at current size

Don’t wait until you get your pre-baby body back to present your best self. Treat your self as you would have before baby. Don’t wait until you hit a magic size or number on the scale.

3) Signs Of Aging

As a society, we tend to value youthfulness, especially in women’s appearance. While aging men are often though of as “distinguished”, aging women are regarded as “less attractive”.

Tip: Reframe aging as evidence of experience and learning

Just as a painting’s looks changes depending on the frame around it, you can put a more positive and beautiful frame around how your see your physical appearance.

I wrote a song about my own reframing of the aging experience called “God’s Signature”. Here are a few lines that help me reframe my wrinkles:

These lines are signs of many lessons learned
Carved out through time
Smiles that warm and tears that burn
And unexpected turns
Time has been my friend it seems
So let him write on me

You can call me flawed
You can call it character
But I choose to call these changes God’s signature

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Tip: Focus on multidimensional person

You have many aspect that make you…you! Focus on developing and valuing all of them…mental, social, spiritual, emotional, and physical.

4) Overweight

One of the most common New Year’s Resolutions is to lose weight and get fit. When you don’t exercise as much as you’d planned or you overeat one day what do you say to yourself? Are you kind and loving, or do you tell yourself things like, “See, another year when you can’t lose weight” and say belittling things to yourself?

Tip: Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance frees us to make changes. Women worry that if they accept where they are they’ll stay the way they are, but the opposite is true.

Tip: Focus on improving health and self-care

No matter what your physical appearance, you can always take small steps to take good care of yourself. I love the phrase “Life rewards action” because it’s true. Even taking one small step to better your health is a good thing.

5) Social mistakes

How we look in the eyes of others in terms of our behavior is another aspect that can impact self-esteem. Saying something dumb, being impatient with your child, or things as simple as realizing you’ve been calling someone by the same name.

Tip: Own it and move on

You’re self-esteem can remain in tact if your mistake, misstep, or error and then quickly moving on instead of worrying about it.
Tip: “It’s none of my business what other’s think of me”

If you’re worried about what other’s might be thinking about your misstep it’s crucial to remember that it’s not your business what others think about you. You can’t control their thoughts. You’ll never really know what others think about you anyway, unless they are willing to tell you directly.

Do you find yourself feeling responsible for the emotions of your loved ones? When your child or spouse is sad or disappointed, do you feel like you’re somehow responsible to make them feel better? This quote is for you!

Remember that it’s not your job to make anyone happy. You can’t make anyone feel anything. You can, however, support loved ones by listening to their pain or disappointment and validating it.

It’s your job to take responsibility for your own emotions.

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I was abused as a child, have no sex drive and the one true love has left me (he doesn’t know about my childhood) I want to know if there is any hope for us at all-we never had sex often (twice in a year) he won’t discuss sex as he gets embarrassed and never ever made the 1st move, told me he loves me but not the way a boyfriend should? We both work long hours and shift work, and I have a dog that gets jealous even if we kiss!! but I feel such a failure, and I know we were soul mates, can i get him back? He wont answer my calls, and I was constantly accusing him of having an affair.  I’m absolutely devastated as I feel like I’ve lost the one true love of my life.

A: Click arrow to listen to response from Julie Hanks, LCSW.

Additional childhood abuse resources:
Find a therapist resource
PsychCentral’s Survivors of Abuse Community Forum

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

If you’re struggling with depression, we can help you to feel better! Click here to get to know my therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy.

Texting is a great for conveying information, but not emotion. It doesn’t replace the comfort of being with someone or hearing their voice –Julie Hanks, LCSW

Read the KSL News article here

Read the study abstract

photo credit: Jhaymesiviphotography

Q: Hi…My problem is that my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. we already planned to go to Hawaii and I have to go because I can’t pay him back since it’s really expensive. We decided to be friends, when I’m around him I want to be his friend and that’s the only thing I think about but when I’m not around him, I start missing him so much. I keep telling myself that I want him to be my friend nothing more, I don’t want to go to back to him and he doesn’t either but I miss him so much and want to be around him all the time. The trip is in 2 weeks and were gonna spend 10 days together there. I’m scared that I will get hurt and after we get back from Hawaii, I will start missing him more and get hurt even more. Please help me, I seriously have no idea of what to do and no one can help me out. I have finals coming in a week and I really don’t want anything to affect my studying.

A: Don’t go to Hawaii with someone who just broke up with you, even if you have to forfeit money. Focus on your studies and on moving forward with your life. This is a chance to learn how to tolerate missing him, and process the grief. You may want to talk with a counselor through your college.

Click the arrow below to listen to my audio response.

photo credit: janineomg

Q: I was with my ex girlfriend for a year and half.  A few months before our breakup she moved a few states away and we tried to maintain a long distance relationship.  I did not go with her, because I was nearly finished with college.  At the time it seemed like a spur of the moment decision on her part to leave the area, but she really wanted to move out.  When she was away, we talked about moving in together and other promising things about our future with one another.  Ultimately, she met someone out there and left me for him.  I was angry and upset and we talked about the situation at length. She said didn’t want to be with one person for the rest of her life.  I told her we should stop talking and said maybe we could be friends down the line.  A couple of months passed and she contacted me telling me heart felt things and insulting her own actions in regards to how we split.  I was excited to hear from her, but I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to be talking to one another being that I still had feelings and she was still with her new boyfriend.  But, to my fault, I ended up contacted her a few times; sending casual “hi, what’s up?” emails.  She came back home to visit for two weeks and we ended up hanging out a lot.  She told me she still loved me and we were intimate and sexual with one another.  Emotionally though she seemed very back and forth about me and her current boyfriend.  Also she seemed guilty one moment for hanging out with me and then was alright about it the next.  Obviously she is confused and giving off mixed signals, and I feel like I’m being led on.  We have talked openly about the situation before but didn’t really come to a conclusion.  She told me she is uncertain if she is going to continue living there or if she is going to live back in this area.  Either way, I know this situation isn’t healthy for me and I should definitely disengage from it.  But I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t say or if I should even say anything at all and just walk away from it.  Thanks for your help.

A: Thanks for your email. Letting go of a past love relationship can be very difficult, especially when you felt a strong emotional and sexual attachment. I’m glad that you can see that holding on to this relationship isn’t good for you and that it’s time to take responsibility to change.

The underlying question for you to answer is why you are reaching out to and trying to engage in a relationship with a woman who moved away from you, found another boyfriend, clearly states that she doesn’t want to be with one person, and is willing to cheat on her current boyfriend with you. Are you afraid you won’t find someone else to love you? Are you trying to get her to choose you over her current boyfriend?

She isn’t the only one who’s confused and sending mixed signals. You have both sent mixed signals to each other. From what you’ve described, you aren’t far enough down the the road to “be friends” without becoming intimate, so I suggest that you set strong “no-contact” boundaries with your ex and stick with them. No contact means no contact. It’s time to start spending your time developing yourself and seeking a relationship with a woman who wants to be in a committed relationship with you, instead of holding on to an unhealthy past.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

____________________________________________

“Dear Julie,  I can’t end this year without sharing my story and thanking you for the role that you played in it. As a child I survived horrible traumas that I suppressed until adulthood. The beginning of this year I knew that I needed help and prayed for guidance on how to get the help that I needed. You have always been one of my favorite LDS artists and in May you posted a song on your Facebook page. I can’t remember who sang it or the name of the song, but it mentioned that sometimes crying can be so healing. That night for the first time since the trauma, I allowed myself to cry and mourn what had happened to me. It felt so healing. It gave me the courage to seek help from Wasatch Family Therapy and I began therapy with Melanie Davis. She is exactly what I needed and is amazing. I am so excited to say that I am doing so well right now and I feel like I have my life back. I can’t even begin to thank you for the difference you have made in my life. I am a survivor and know that I can accomplish anything. I hope that you have a wonderful 2012…I know that I will.”

___________________________________________________

The song she’s referring to is “Blessings” by Laura Story -  a song I wish I’d written.

1- Gain a few pounds
2- Exercise sporadically
3- Pile up more papers around the house
4- Leave Christmas decor up until Feb
5- Start taxes on April 14
6- Watch too much reality TV
7- Write in my journal…once
8- Eat chocolate daily
9- Buy some shoes
10- Spend more time on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest

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It’s always fun to see which posts catch your interest over 12 months. Looking back over 2012 the top posts are a mix of music, personal posts, parenting tips, marriage topics, and mental and emotional health advice…and that list just about sums up my life!

A big surprise is #1 — guess you haven’t forgotten that I’ve been a performing songwriter for, oh, 25 years. But, the biggest surprise on this top 10 list is #2 because I only posted it last week! So, many of you have shared it with friends and family online. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing my articles and posts, for great blog discussions and social media comments, and coming to live events this year. I am grateful to have you as part of my “virtual” family.

OK…so here’s the top 10 posts of 2011…

1. 3 Generations of Azevedo Performed in Church Today
2. Letter To Santa That Made Me Cry
3. How To Stop Overreacting and Keep Your Cool
4. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
5. National TV Appearance On Nov 3 Secretly Pregnant on Discovery Health
6. Tuesday Tunes: Window To His Love
7. Avoiding Parenting Clashes With College-aged Kids
8. Q&A: Is Date Night Too Much To Ask? & I’m Never In The Mood!
9. 8 Surefire Ways To Emotionally Mess Up Your Kid
10. Keep Your Marriage Emotionally HOT

I am a social media lover so I hope you’ll stay connected in 2012.

You’re probably asking yourself, “How can I reach a New Year’s resolution if I don’t write it down? Isn’t that the first rule of goal setting?” Don’t panic. Writing down things to do and ways to improve can be a helpful tool in becoming who you want to be. But the trouble with to do lists is not that we use them, it’s how we use them.

In my therapy practice, I often hear individuals complain of feeling like they “can’t get everything done” and then use their unmet resolutions and never-ending to do lists as evidence. I’m not suggesting you permanently toss your list, but rather wait. Before you write down resolutions for the new year, take a step back and acknowledge all of your important contributions and growth over the past year by creating what I call a “ta da” list. Doing so is a sure way to kiss guilt goodbye and start the new year feeling positive about who you are and what you’ve already accomplished.

Include everything you saw, did or learned during the previous 12 months, as well as details of small things you and others at home or work tend to overlook (e.g. played in the park with the children, organized the linen closet, finished an important project at work, befriended an elderly neighbor). Remember to include the small relationship contributions you made to enrich the lives of those you love (e.g. supported a friend, prepared a church lesson, took your child to the doctor, made a special meal for your family).

Here are some questions to help you get started on your “ta da” list:

• What have I done in the past year to provide physical or emotional support to someone else?
• How have I grown over the past year from life experiences and unexpected events?
• What have I done in the past year to better care for my physical and emotional health?
• What have I done that no one notices unless it doesn’t get done?

Once you’ve taken time to reflect and focus on the many great things you have already accomplished, you can have more confidence and clarity as you create your resolutions for 2012.

Q: I recently got laid off, and right now my rent is almost due.  My brother thinks that if I can’t find a job I should move home, actually scratch that, he thinks I should be home even if I have a job.

My mom passed away a month ago, and he’s afraid that my father doesn’t want to be alone.  Regardless of the fact that my dad says that he wants his space now, my brother can’t seem to get that.  Also I told him that if I have a job, and can pay my own way, what difference does it make where I live?  He said that I should be at home to save money.  He thinks it will be permanent, and my Dad and I say temporary. I don’t understand that since I am 41, my brother should have no say in what I do and don’t do with my money, but when I try to tell him, he gets all mad at me and says that I am selfish.  I don’t understand why he is doing this to me, he says it will be better for both me and my father, but I disagree, my father yes, but not me.  How do I make him understand that what I do with my finances is my business and as long as I don’t get help from anyone he has no say in it.

A: I am sorry about your job loss and the death of your mother last month. That is a lot of transitions in a short period of time.

It sounds like you are very clear that you don’t want to move home, if at all possible. So my question for you is why do you care so much about pleasing your brother? You are 41 years old and the great thing about being an adult is that you don’t have to have discussions that you don’t want to have, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  You can’t make your brother understand your point of view, but you can show him that your finances are not his business by not discussing it with him, and by letting go of trying to gain his approval. What are you afraid of if your brother is mad at you or thinks that you are selfish right now?

It sounds to me that he’s less worried about your money issues and more worried about your dad who now lives alone and just lost his companion. Having you move home may be an easy way to alleviate his worries about your father living alone because it makes sense logically to him. “You’re unemployed so why don’t you move home to save money and take care of dad?” seems to be his message to you. You are both talking about the topics instead of the emotions that go along with the death of a parent and concern about the parent who’s left behind.

I suggest that instead of trying to get his approval or convince him that it’s not good for you to move in with dad, you cut right to the core issue which seems to be exploring together how the two of you are going to work together to help dad through his grief and loneliness, and to make sure that he is safe and taken care of, and how you can support each other at this time of loss.

Take good care of you and yours.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas an Happy New Year. Here’s to 2012!

The damage…

Here hair used to be this long…

After the repair hair cut–all is well

“Thanks for brining presents but iff you think I don’t need it than give it to people who doesn’t get presents.”

Merry Christmas.

I am 14 and recently my parents have discovered I struggle with self-injury. After discovering this, they are going to send me to see a therapist to help with the issue. They, of course, know I struggle with self-injury, but I would prefer if they did not hear about it if I tell the therapist when I self-injure. Is this possible, or is it required that they inform my parents when I cut? As a minor, do I have any confidentiality from my parents?

A: First of all, I’m glad that your parents are going to take you to a therapist to address your cutting. Your cutting is a warning sign that something in your emotional life needs to be addressed. While there is confidentiality between client and therapist, there are limits to that confidentiality.  Therapists are required ethically and by law to intervene when a client is threatening serious harm to self.  Since cutting can  range from minor surface scratches to life threatening wounds, and I don’t know how serious your self-injurious behavior is, I am not able to fully answer your question. Your question can be best answered by your specific therapist when you meet with him or her. At your first session, I suggest that you ask your therapist how he or she will handle your disclosure of self-injury.  Because you are a minor, it is likely that your parents will be involved in some way in your treatment. Many therapists will require family therapy  when working with minors because family dynamics often play a part in a child’s distress, and because parents play an important role in the healing process.

My biggest concern regarding your question isn’t whether or not your therapist will tell your parents, but why you don’t want your parents to know the full extent of your self-injury. Is it because you are embarrassed of what they will think? Is it because you don’t want to upset them? Is it because they will be angry with you? Is it because they will overreact? I hope you will address this important question with your therapist.

The fact that your parents are taking you to therapy to get help tells me that they are concerned about you, that they care about you, and that they acknowledge that you are in pain and need professional help. Consider that they may be able to help and support you through this difficult time as you sort through your emotions and resolve the pain underlying your self-harming behavior. You are 14 and it’s their job to make sure you are safe.

Take good care of yourself, and let your parents take good care of you, too.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

If you already struggle with perfectionism, the holiday season can be particularly difficult for stress management. For one thing, there are often higher expectations, more on your to do list, and more people to please. So, whether you struggle with perfectionism when it comes to buying the “perfect” gift, decorating the house “perfectly”, sending out the “perfect” Christmas card with the best family picture (mailed the day after Thanksgiving), or whether your obsessed with what to make for Christmas Eve dinner. Never fear! Here are a few tips to help you take a step back and let go of holiday perfectionism.

1) Says who?

Perfectionists tend to have rules about how things should be.

• Write down a list of a few of your Christmas “shoulds” that weigh you down.
• What if you thought about every tradition, decoration, gift as optional, as something you get to choose to do or attend or buy, or not?
• Add the question “says who” at the end and actually answer the question. For example, if my rule is “I should give a handmade neighbor gift to everyone on my street…says who?” my answer may be “Martha Stewart”
• Ask yourself if you want to accept that rule or reject that rule.

2) Traditions CAN be broken

Just because you’ve sent out 500 Christmas cards every year for 20 years doesn’t mean you have to send out cards this year. Just because you’ve always had Christmas Eve dinner at aunt Mary’s for 30 years doesn’t mean that you have to go. Be a rebel and consider breaking a family tradition, just this once.

3) Allow others to be disappointed

If you don’t find the exact gift your 10 year old wants, or you don’t get around sending out cards, expect that others will be disappointed. That’s OK. It’s not your job to keep everyone happy or make sure your children, or anyone else’s expectations are met.

4) Go for “good enough”

Anything worth doing is worth doing__________________(fill in the blank). If you’re a true perfectionist your answer will be “well” or “perfectly”. I prefer the fill in the blank with “badly”. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. As a reformed perfectionist myself (or should I say a selective perfectionist), this phrase has helped give me permission to embrace mediocrity. Instead of seeking perfection, try going for “good enough”. Does the tree look good enough? Try it.

5) Focus on relationships over “stuff”

Remember that relationships are always more important that “stuff”. Have you ever heard of anyone on their death bed lament that they didn’t spend enough money or time or energy on Christmas gifts, lights, decor, shopping? What really matters are people — those special connections to the ones we love. Spending time, expressing gratitude, writing letters, and showing affection to loved ones is the most important part of holidays. Focus on your spiritual beliefs, your family, and on feeling grateful for all of the imperfect people in your life.

Photo credit © 2010 Hannah Bryant