1) Bad Hair Day

Sometimes even small appearance flaws can ruin your day! A big blemish on your face, bad hair day, a skin rash can leave you feeling self-conscious.

Tip: “Unlink” self-esteem and appearance

While appearance often impacts how you feel about yourselves, it doesn’t have to define you.

Tip: Remember that you are not your body

“You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” C.S. Lewis quotes

2) After Baby Body

With every good change in life there are also accompanying losses. Body changes are the price you agree to pay for carrying and delivering a baby.

Tip: Give yourself permission to grieve the losses

Your hips may never be the same size again, the stretch marks are here to stay. Feel the sadness about the changes and then move forward.

Tip: Buy clothes that fit at current size

Don’t wait until you get your pre-baby body back to present your best self. Treat your self as you would have before baby. Don’t wait until you hit a magic size or number on the scale.

3) Signs Of Aging

As a society, we tend to value youthfulness, especially in women’s appearance. While aging men are often though of as “distinguished”, aging women are regarded as “less attractive”.

Tip: Reframe aging as evidence of experience and learning

Just as a painting’s looks changes depending on the frame around it, you can put a more positive and beautiful frame around how your see your physical appearance.

I wrote a song about my own reframing of the aging experience called “God’s Signature”. Here are a few lines that help me reframe my wrinkles:

These lines are signs of many lessons learned
Carved out through time
Smiles that warm and tears that burn
And unexpected turns
Time has been my friend it seems
So let him write on me

You can call me flawed
You can call it character
But I choose to call these changes God’s signature

Pin It

Tip: Focus on multidimensional person

You have many aspect that make you…you! Focus on developing and valuing all of them…mental, social, spiritual, emotional, and physical.

4) Overweight

One of the most common New Year’s Resolutions is to lose weight and get fit. When you don’t exercise as much as you’d planned or you overeat one day what do you say to yourself? Are you kind and loving, or do you tell yourself things like, “See, another year when you can’t lose weight” and say belittling things to yourself?

Tip: Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance frees us to make changes. Women worry that if they accept where they are they’ll stay the way they are, but the opposite is true.

Tip: Focus on improving health and self-care

No matter what your physical appearance, you can always take small steps to take good care of yourself. I love the phrase “Life rewards action” because it’s true. Even taking one small step to better your health is a good thing.

5) Social mistakes

How we look in the eyes of others in terms of our behavior is another aspect that can impact self-esteem. Saying something dumb, being impatient with your child, or things as simple as realizing you’ve been calling someone by the same name.

Tip: Own it and move on

You’re self-esteem can remain in tact if your mistake, misstep, or error and then quickly moving on instead of worrying about it.
Tip: “It’s none of my business what other’s think of me”

If you’re worried about what other’s might be thinking about your misstep it’s crucial to remember that it’s not your business what others think about you. You can’t control their thoughts. You’ll never really know what others think about you anyway, unless they are willing to tell you directly.

Texting is a great for conveying information, but not emotion. It doesn’t replace the comfort of being with someone or hearing their voice –Julie Hanks, LCSW

Read the KSL News article here

Read the study abstract

photo credit: Jhaymesiviphotography

It’s always fun to see which posts catch your interest over 12 months. Looking back over 2012 the top posts are a mix of music, personal posts, parenting tips, marriage topics, and mental and emotional health advice…and that list just about sums up my life!

A big surprise is #1 — guess you haven’t forgotten that I’ve been a performing songwriter for, oh, 25 years. But, the biggest surprise on this top 10 list is #2 because I only posted it last week! So, many of you have shared it with friends and family online. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing my articles and posts, for great blog discussions and social media comments, and coming to live events this year. I am grateful to have you as part of my “virtual” family.

OK…so here’s the top 10 posts of 2011…

1. 3 Generations of Azevedo Performed in Church Today
2. Letter To Santa That Made Me Cry
3. How To Stop Overreacting and Keep Your Cool
4. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
5. National TV Appearance On Nov 3 Secretly Pregnant on Discovery Health
6. Tuesday Tunes: Window To His Love
7. Avoiding Parenting Clashes With College-aged Kids
8. Q&A: Is Date Night Too Much To Ask? & I’m Never In The Mood!
9. 8 Surefire Ways To Emotionally Mess Up Your Kid
10. Keep Your Marriage Emotionally HOT

I am a social media lover so I hope you’ll stay connected in 2012.

The damage…

Here hair used to be this long…

After the repair hair cut–all is well

Q: Why are we afraid to set boundaries that might offend someone?

You might mistakenly confuse boundaries with aggression or with using a “sword” stance. It might feel “mean” to you to do something that you know will contribute to another person’s pain, or you may feel responsible for other people’s emotions.

It’s helpful to think of these 3 relationship stances when setting boundaries:

Doormat -

This passive stance is characterized by a lack of awareness of your own feelings, highly valuing pleasing others, devaluing own wants and needs, and feeling “run over” by others. You value other’s emotional needs above self.

Sword -

In this reactive stance, you’re emotionally “on guard”, lashing out at slightest hint of emotional threat, on “high alert”. You might let emotions build up and then explode with cutting words, snide remarks, or become cold and aloof and unavailable. You value your own self-protection over other’s needs.

Lantern –

In this enlightened stance, your “emotional” feet are planted firmly on the ground. There is a feeling of calmness as you seek a broader perspective. When you do get upset you don’t ignore it or react to it but seek understanding. You value your own and other’s emotions and desires and take responsibility for your part.

Q: Why are we afraid to tell people what we need or what we want?

We don’t want to jeopardize our relationships. We are afraid of isolation or rejection, or we are afraid to hurt those we love because that causes us pain too.

Q: Do we worry too much about other people’s feelings?

We do worry about other’s feelings to much when it comes to boundaries. I worked with a couple recently whose family always stays with them during the holidays. Just having had a new baby, this couple was not feeling up to having house-guests, yet they were hesitant to take a stand. We talked about the importance of concentric circles of relationships. In the core is self-care, then the next ring is the marriage relationship, then parenting, then extended family—in that order and challenged them to set boundaries, even if feelings are hurt.

Q: Are women more afraid to offend other than men are?

Women in particular are hard wired and socialized to highly value relationships and emotional bonds. I had a client whose friend constantly badmouthed her own ex-husband. While she wanted to supportive she was sick of hearing complaining. I encouraged her to honor herself and her own needs first, hold up a “lantern” to the situation and state what she saw was going on. For example, “I can tell this divorce has taken its toll on you and you’re really angry with Tim. Of course you are. However, I’m getting worn down by the topic and wondering if it would be more helpful for you to talk to a therapist because I’m not sure what to say anymore.”

Q: What if others don’t respect our boundaries?

There’s nothing more frustrating than setting clear boundaries and not being heard valued, or taken seriously. I worked with a woman whose adult son lived at home and refused to get a job. She needed him to take responsibility for his life but she felt like he was ignoring her and wasn’t taking action. We worked to help her set a clear, firm timeline of when he needed to start paying rent or find another place to live. Instead of trying to make him get a job, I helped her shift to setting firm boundaries in areas that she hat she could control (like who lived in her house).

Q: Is it harder to set boundaries with certain people?

Some people don’t like being told “no” and may resort to a “sword” stance if you do. If there’s underlying tension, unresolved issues, or insecurities in the relationship it may be harder to set boundaries.

A common dynamic I see in my practice is tense in-law relationships. There was one situation where a client’s mother-in-law kept trying to parent her kids when she was there, what food he could or couldn’t eat. I suggested that she take her mother-in-law aside and using a lantern stance, acknowledge her mother-in-laws good intentions and ask her not to step into a parenting role without being invited.

Q: Why do we protect other people at our own expense?

We protect others at our own expense because we think it’s the “right”, nice, loving thing to do. You may have been taught not to express yourself or it may be hard for you to know how you feel and what you want.

This is a common dynamic especially during the holidays. Holiday traditions with extended family often trump the individual and family needs. I’ve worked with many families who want to deviate from family traditions but know that others will be “hurt” by their decision.

Should you keep your kids believing in Santa?

1) Let your child take the lead

· Watch for Santa doubt starting to creep in sometime between ages 5-7.

· Children usually make a gradual shift in beliefs instead of one big moment around age 7.

· Cognitive development shifts around this age from fantasy to more rational judgments based concrete evidence that doesn’t add up.

· 2 of 3 children said they felt pride in figuring out the truth about Santa, and half still liking the idea of Santa even though he wasn’t real. (Source )

· In preparing for this segment I asked my 9 year old, “Tell me about Santa…” He replied, “You mean do I believe or not? I think he’s real because there is no way you guys could hide all those presents from us! And I don’t think you could leave and buy all that stuff on Christmas eve. But I don’t believe in the tooth fairy. I think that’s just you or Dad leaving money under my pillow.”

· “We told our kids right from the start that there was no Santa. They chose to believe otherwise. We insisted that he was a story, a fairy tale. They insisted that we were teasing them. Finally, when they were around ten or so they started to realize that we had been telling them the truth all along but they decided when and what to believe.” –Stephanie Cannon

2) Respond directly and simply to child’s questions

· “How does Santa get to everyone’s house in one night? We don’t have a chimney! Do reindeer really fly?”

· As level of reasoning increases (concrete & logical), belief in Santa decreases.

· Researchers interviewed with hundreds of kids, and none of them said they were angry at their parents for “lying” when they found out the truth about Santa. They knew that the deception was friendly and not malicious. (source)

3) Don’t go overboard trying to convince child to believe

· Kids are also more likely to believe in Santa if their parents encourage them to do so, but I think it’s important to consider their appropriate level and if you’re keeping them believing primarily for you or them.

· There’s some evidence that children may already be imagining and playing along with you, like they do when they dress up like a pirate, they know that the pirate sword isn’t real, or they’re not really drinking tea at their tea party.

· Author and psychologist Alison Gopnik, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley says, “Children will happily and convincingly engage in the lovely pretend game about the benign old guy with the reindeer, without necessarily thinking he’s real.”

· Rose T. shared this comment on my website…”…as soon as a child knew who Santa was (he or she) was sub-contracted to do Santa’s work for him on Christmas Eve at our house. That child got to stay up late and help set up the stockings/living room (and see some of the presents in advance!), Waiting for their siblings’ reaction to the presents is very nearly as exciting as waiting to get the presents. It became a sort of natural transition from ‘getting’ to ‘giving’.”

4) Let your child have their feelings

· Children usually have a positive reaction to finding out the truth about Santa while parents report feeling a loss and feel sad at about child’s discovery.

· 82% of children appeared to be indifferent to actually seeing Santa. (Source)

· How many times have you seen kids crying in terror at the site of the man in a big red suit at the mall?

· Bruce Henderson is professor of psychology at Western Carolina University sent graduate students to malls and noted, “…frequently parents, in their determination to give their children the Santa experience or to get a photo for the scrapbook, were insensitive to their children’s wariness or outright fear of the big man in the red suit. Smiling was rare, crying was not. Parents may act the Scrooge without realizing it. (Source)

5) What can we learn from Santa?

· There’s no right or wrong way to approach the Santa tradition or to answer the Santa question.

· Whether you talk about Santa as a “story” or as “real” Santa, this is an opportunity to teach your child about intangibles in life: love, generosity, hope, believing in something bigger than yourself.

· I loved this poignant letter answering her daughter’s question, “Are YOU Santa?”

…Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy. With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too. (Source)

I’d love to hear your experiences, stories, and thoughts on my blog post “Moms, how do you answer the questions “Is there really a Santa?”

How far have you gone to keep your kids believing in Santa?

How old were you when you find out the truth about Santa? Who told you?

Please post questions, comments, and funny stories below. I may use them in an upcoming Studio 5 TV segment.

Under pressure to let your kids go hi-tech? Get expert advice on when to let children have a cell phone, open a Facebook account and more. Studio 5 Contributor and therapist, Julie Hanks, has tips to help you manage kids and technology.

1) At what age should a child have a cell phone?

Age 12 is the earliest I’d recommend a basic cell phone for safety reasons.
Age 16 is the earliest for smart phones.

Tech Tip: Encourage responsibility by having them pay for monthly fee and any additional charges.
Tech Tip: Have child check in phone at night, before bedtime.

2) At what age should a child have a Facebook account?

Age 14-15 with parental oversight of online activity. Facebook requires you agree that you are at least 13 before you can set up an account.

Tech Tip: Have current login information to child’s social media accounts and check them randomly.
Tech Tip: Require that your child add you as a “friend”.

3) At what age should a child have a video game system?

Ages 4 + activity based games on Wii or Xbox Kinect. Games should focus on physical activity, social skills, and basic decision making skills.
Age 8 + for Handheld devices like 3DS or PSP. Games should focus on development of interests, increased confidence and competence in their abilities.
Age 14 + for more intense games.

Tech Tip: limit gaming time and encourage social and physical activity.
Tech Tip: Beware of violence first-person shooter games as they desensitize to real-life.

4) At what age should your child have an iPod Touch/iPad?

Ages 12 is the youngest age for iPod Touch/iPad, and only with parental restrictions. Identity is the main developmental task during teenage years. Music, entertainment and playing games are a large part of adolescent identity.

Tech Tip: Get familiar with device “settings” so you can restrict web browsing, app installation, YouTube, etc.

5) At what age should a child have a laptop?

Age 18 is the age I’d recommend unsupervised use of laptop.

Tech Tip: All computer usage should be in open area of home and under supervision.

More Parenting Tech Tips:

· There is no such thing as confidentiality when it comes to internet/wifi usage.

· Parents should have log in and passwords to all online accounts, phones, texts.

· No phones, TV’s, or computers, iPad devices in bedrooms or after hours for safety and good sleep habits.

· Most tech gadgets have Internet access so monitor closely.

· Check and set parental controls on all electronic devices.

· No unsupervised Internet access on personal devices until 18.

“Part of why people protect the institution is because, really, they are protecting themselves because they are a part of the institution,” said director Julie Hanks of Wasatch Family Therapy. “And if the institution is threatened, they are somehow threatened.”

I wanted to be a voice to support having the courage to act on behalf of abused children, and to report any crime, or suspected crimes, against children to police authority. I was invited to share my thoughts on tonight’s KSL news story “LaVell Edwards describes friendship with Joe Paterno.” My comments are near the end of the story.

Read the full story at KSL.com

Read Utah mandatory child abuse reporting law

photo credit: Lance Neilson

Tune in Nov. 3rd 8PM MT to Discovery Fit & Health

No. I’m not secretly pregnant. Several months ago I got a call from a casting company asking if I’d be willing to do some pro bono therapy with a woman in Salt Lake for a women’s health documentary show about women who are hiding their pregnancies. I agreed and the next day a producer, crew, and new client “Jen” came to Wasatch Family Therapy to film the first of 2 sessions for the show. Would you let a camera crew sit in on your therapy session? Surprisingly, after a while I forgot they were even there and was really able to connect with and help “Jen”.

Here’s a little clip from behind the scenes.

Here’s more about the show:

Each episode of “Secretly Pregnant” follows the experiences of two women who, for various reasons, have hidden their pregnancies from their family, friends, boyfriends and/or bosses, and follows them through the emotional reveal of their secret and the aftermath that includes the birth of the baby.

Local therapist Julie Hanks, LCSW and Salt Lake City resident “Jen” will be appearing on the November 3 episode of Discovery Fit & Health’s new series “Secretly Pregnant.” As part of the episode Hanks will be providing therapy, with the cameras rolling, for Jen who is hiding her pregnancy due to fears that stem from the traumatic stillbirth of a previous pregnancy.

Here’s more about the show on Discovery Health

Watch the episode trailer

Peek behind the scenes during the shoot

Luckily, marriage counselors have more tools than ever before to help couples understand the root of their emotional disconnection and to repair relationships, if they are willing. Dr. Susan Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, the model we use here at Wasatch Family Therapy, has had tremendous success repairing severely distressed relationships.

Learn more about this proposed wait period and here a few of my thoughts on the topic…

Read the entire “Second Chances: A Proposal To Reduce Unnecessary Divorce

Read more on KSL.com – Waiting period before divorce could prevent split families

I became aware of the term “emotional vampires” after reading a book review of Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life by Judith Orloff, MD. She has excellent strategies for identifying and dealing with people who emotionally drain you.

In her book, Dr. Orloff identified these 5 signs that you’ve encountered an emotional vampire:

1) Your eyelids are heavy—you’re ready for a nap

2) Your mood takes a nosedive

3) You want to binge on carbs or comfort foods

4) You feel anxious, depressed, or negative

5) You feel put down, sniped at, or slimed

#1 The Narcissist

Has “Me first” attitude
Has limited capacity for empathy
Becomes cold, withholding, or punishing when they don’t get their way

Kurt Bestor “I have a friend who I have given the secret name “The Consumer” because, while he is my friend, he consumes my time, my creative energy, and sometimes – patience. Everything always seems to slant his way and he’s usually asking for me to do something for him, which takes my time, my money, and my energy. The “give and take” necessary for a true friendship is lacking which is why I never seem to pick up the phone when he calls. The biggest problem – he has no clue that he acts this way.”

How to Protect Yourself

Keep your expectations realistic and don’t expect reciprocity
Don’t depend on their approval for your self-worth
Lead with how they will benefit from something

#2 The Victim

Has a “poor me” attitude
Blames everyone and everything else for misery
When you offer advice they respond “yes, but…”

Amanda “I have someone in my life who is almost constantly complaining about something…but is too codependent to move on, accept what they can change and change it—they just try to convince you to feel sorry for them.”

How to Protect Yourself

Don’t take on their baggage
Set kind yet firm limits in conversation length and topic
Reinforce your limits with body language and action

#3 The Controller

Tells you how to feel and behave
Invalidates your feelings
Leaves you feeling “less than”

Anonymous: “I was given a church music assignment where I had someone over me that tried to control every detail even to the point of telling me where I should stand, what songs to teach, and what visual aids to use. It seemed like so many silly details, but it literally killed me & my spirit to be that controlled over something that initially inspired creativity.”

How to Protect Yourself

Confidently assert yourself
Focus on important issues
Don’t try to tell them what to do

#4 The Splitter

Views you as either “all good” or “all bad”
Feeds off of anger
Pits people against each other

Anonymous: “I have a family member who suffers from many, many problems. Unfortunately, most people in the family have had to cut her off because she is so caustic. I came to a point in which I felt I had to make a decision between my family member and my sanity – I needed to have enough energy for my own husband and children. Is it ever ok to cut off a family member?”

How to Protect Yourself

Remain emotionally neutral
Set limits and stick to them
Avoid taking sides

References & Resources:

Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life

Dr Judith Orloff website

Combating Emotional Vampires Online Course by Dr. Judith Orloff

Talking about action and external facts and events, like “What did you do today?” “I went to the store.”

Level 2 – Thinking (head)

Conversations focused on thoughts and opinions, such as “I think that you’re a great mother” or “In my opinion, the only solution to the economy is…”

Level 3 – Feeling (heart)

Sharing emotional experiences, like “I feel scared that I might lose my job” or “I felt so loved when you brought me dinner last week.”

Level 4 – Being (core/gut)

Sharing a deep, emotional connection with another person at the same time. This is when you feel “felt” – you know that the other person “gets” you. This type of communication is honest and genuine, deep, meaningful, and rare.

What prevents us from letting others walk in our shoes?

1) Fear of being hurt

“What if I open up my heart and they don’t care, they leave me, they don’t “get it”, or they don’t comfort me?” After being hurt in the past, we learn to protect from being hurt again, but that also keeps us from being close to others.

Solution: Decide to risk anyway

If it’s hard for you to let others “walk in your shoes” you have to make a conscious decision to take a risk to let others into on a deeper level. Honest self-disclosure is associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction. When you share deeper experiences and emotions it invites others to share their heart with you. This invites intimacy. We all want to be known and loved. Intimacy = into me see

2) Worry what others will think

“I don’t want to appear weak. If I share vulnerability with someone, they may think I don’t have it all together.” We live in a culture that values strength and sharing emotional vulnerability may be perceived as weakness. But is it? I truly believe that the developing the ability and willingness to share emotional vulnerability is one of the most important relationship strengths we can develop. It is the key to fulfilling relationships.

Solution: Accept that you don’t have it all together

Everyone is weak AND strong. We need to lean on each other. When I get caught in the trap of wondering what others will think I rehearse this quote in my mind, “It’s none of my business what others think of me.”

3) Don’t want to burden others

“People have their own struggles. Why would they want to hear about mine? Do they really care anyway?” You may be aware of the burdens of your loved ones and want to protect them from additional stress.

Solution: Share, don’t dump

Sharing is opening up your heavy backpack and letting someone else see and feel the contents. Dumping is sharing the contents of your backpack and then trying to get the other person to carry your backpack for you.

4) I don’t know how

“That’s just not what I do. I wouldn’t know where to start to let some one really know me.” From birth we are born to emotionally connect with each other, so you do know how to be emotionally vulnerable on some level. As you developed you may have had experiences that taught you to guard your tender feelings. Some families are better at fostering deeper sharing of emotions than others. If you’ve never been in a relationship where you’ve been able to be yourself, it may be time to open up, just a little bit at a time.

Solution: Start small

Ask yourself, “What level am I sharing from?” and then see if you can move one level down. This is the crux of what I help clients with in therapy — to identify their internal experience and to share it in a meaningful way with loved ones.

photo credit: theperplexingparadox

WHAT is emotional family history?

Emotional family history is the emotional and relational patterns inherited and/or learned from your parents and grandparents, which may have been passed down to you. It includes:

1. nature: predisposition to certain emotional & mental health problems or traits (i.e. depression, anxiety, addictions)

2. nurture: learned patterns of how to manage emotions in relationships (i.e. “It’s not ok to be angry” or “When there is conflict it’s best to leave the situation”).

WHY is emotional family history important?

Just like physical health history, country of birth, or personal history of ancestors, we can learn valuable information about ourselves by looking at the emotional patterns we have inherited or learned from our families. The awareness of positive as well as negative traits and patterns that have been passed down to us allows us to understand ourselves better, to be more aware of our emotional vulnerabilities, and to take responsibility for our emotional lives. Like puzzle pieces, the more pieces you have in place, the more clearly you can see the picture of where you came from emotionally. Frequently, clients will fear that doing emotional family history is somehow “not honoring” their parents and grandparents, but in my own experience I have found that the more emotional puzzle pieces I have about my parents and grandparents, the more I am able to empathize with their struggles and honor their lives.

HOW & WHERE do you find emotional family history information?

F-A-M-I-L-Y!

F – Feedback from “Outsiders”

“Outsiders” are anyone who did not grow up in your family. Spouse’s, in-laws’, friend’s, neighbor’s observations about the idiosyncrasies of your family are worth considering. As you grow up in your family, it’s easy to think that your family’s way of managing emotions is the norm because it’s all that you know. Some examples of observations are “Why does your family seem to yell at each other over every little thing?” or “Your family seems to handle conflict really well. I really like how everyone can have differing opinions and it’s O.K.” or “Why don’t you or your siblings, tell your dad how you feel about the way he talks to your mom?”

A – Ask Hard Questions

Be willing to ask the hard questions and get more curious about family relationship patterns. “Why did Grandma and Grandpa divorce in their 70′s? ” or “When did Uncle Joe and Aunt Betty stop talking to each other?” “How did Grandpa manage to remain so kind and loving even after he returned from the war?” Notice positive and difficult trends among family members. Are there family members who’ve exhibited incredible capacity for forgiveness, or tolerance of differences, or emotional resilience after traumatic experiences? Are there signs of unresolved trauma, addictions, abuse, divorces, infidelity, suicide or other problems that many families don’t openly talk about?

M – Mental Health Histories

Just as health histories are important source of information for you, mental health history of your family can also empower you to be educated, to know what symptoms to watch for, and to get help if those symptoms arise in your own life, and in the lives of your children. Mental health history allows you to be proactive and take preventative measures. Is there a history of depression, anxiety, personality disorders, substance abuse, physical or sexual abuse? Here’s an example of how mental health history is important. A new mom struggles to understand why she feels hopeless and worthless and has feelings of wanting to abandon her baby. Her mother discloses AFTER her daughter is diagnosed with postpartum depression, that she, too, suffered from postpartum depression after 3 out of her 4 deliveries. Had she shared that information with her daughter prior to her daughter’s diagnosis, they could have been more proactive in education and treatment.

I – Identify Emotional Rules

Each family has a unique way of being, managing emotions, and getting our emotional needs met. While some of these rules are explicit (i.e. “Men are always right”, “We don’t talk about feelings”, “We wear our feelings on our sleeve”, “Never admit that you’re wrong”, “It’s ok to cry when you’re physically hurt, but not emotionally hurt”), many are implicit and we follow the rules without conscious awareness. Ask yourself, “What messages did I receive about happiness, sadness, anger, fear?” and “How did my parents manage each of these emotions in themselves?” “How did my family respond when I have expressed each of these emotions?” If you were raised with parents who were sensitive to your emotions and needs, then you will likely have healthier emotional rules to live by.

L – Life Scripts

Similar to a movie script, we learn who our “character” is (the smart one, or the pretty one, or the lazy one) and how to respond in certain relational situations (i.e. when someone says you did a great job on a project at work, you are supposed to point out all of the flaws in your presentation and discount the compliment). We also live by scripts regarding our physical body, money, intelligence, worth, future, gender role, intimate relationships, sexuality, and family life. Just like emotional rules, many of the scripts you live by are implicit and never stated directly. For example, if your parents never discuss sex with you, you may be living by a script that sex is bad or wrong.

Y – Your Own Experiences

Examine and reflect on your own experiences in your family – the positive and the painful. Take the emotional family history information you receive from others and check it against your own experience in your family. Ask yourself, “Does this fit with my experiences?” The beauty of becoming aware of your emotional history is now you are free to sift through the information, keep the positive emotional patterns, and be proactive in changing the patterns that you don’t want to pass on to your family. Knowledge allows you to take responsibility for your current and future emotional life. Example: if your family has anger management issues and you find yourself screaming at your family, take anger management classes.

I was recently asked to comment on favoritism in families on KSL TV news. Here’s the interview!

Did your parents have a “favorite” child? Do you secretly enjoy one of your own children over the others? Feel free to comment below or join in the conversation about playing favorites on my Facebook page!

The only source of knowledge is experience. – Einstein

Being a “good parent” usually means being involved in your child’s life and “doing” things for your child, like volunteering in school, attending their sporting events, and teaching them values and skills. Allowing your child to experience natural consequences is painful for parents because they require us to do less or to not do something which might leave you feeling like a “bad” parent. You may want to rescue your child from natural consequences to prevent your child from feeling pain, to keep your child happy, or to make your child like you. Or you may intervene in natural consequences to ease your own pain. It’s hard to see your child struggle with difficult emotions like disappointment, failure, loneliness.

If our job as parents isn’t to keep our kids happy, what is our job? It’s to do what we can to raise responsible children who grow up and contribute something positive to society, and to encourage self-awareness and sensitivity to others so they can grow up to create fulfilling adult relationships and healthy families.

1) Is my child in immediate danger?

If “no” then let natural consequences play out. If “yes” then intervene and use other ways of teaching. Examples of immediate danger are a toddler running into street, teen driving drunk, tween chatting with a stranger online. Generally, these situations are the exception in everyday parenting. It’s the small situations that are sometimes the trickiest to work through, like a child forgetting lunch, fighting with friends, breaking a household rule, because they don’t seem like a big deal individually, but they add up over time.

2) Whose problem is this?

Who owns the problem? If you “pick up” the problem and hold on to it, your child will let you and allow you to be in charge of their problem. Notice the language you use when talking to your child about their struggles. I hear a lot of moms say, “We’ve got a lot of homework tonight.” That’s a sign that mom is owning the homework, instead of the child. I like to tell my 9 yr old, “I already passed 3rd grade. This is your homework and I’m here to help and support you.” Your language can give clues to who owns the problem/issue.

Author Byron Katie says there are 3 kinds of “business” in life:
a) your business
b) other people’s business (including your child’s)
c) God’s business
We are usually in pain when we get into other people’s or God’s “business”.

I am currently in the difficult process of letting my seventeen year old own and experience the consequences of a big mistake. We have an old car that she was able to drive. She drove it for weeks without oil, after several reminders from her dad, and the car was damaged beyond repair. She is now paying us back a couple thousand dollars for the car she totaled. It is her problem.

3) What is the most loving thing to do?

Doing the “loving” thing isn’t the same as being nice or choosing a path that results in the least amount of relational conflict. The loving thing may at first seem to be rescuing, but being loving is actually doing what’s in your child’s best interest.

I’ve seen parents, in an attempt to be “nice” and unconditionally loving enable their chid to continue to break the law, to take advantage of others, and to develop a sense of entitlement. In extreme cases, I’ve known a few parents who, in the name of love, enabled an adult child to an early death from addiction by not allowing them to hit rock bottom and continually bailing them out.

4) What will my child learn if I rescue him/her?

By rescuing your child from natural consequences you may be inadvertently teaching your child not to trust their own judgement, that they are not capable of handling hard things, and that they will always need you to help them. I recently met with a mother of an adult child who was angry at her son for taking advantage of her. She wanted him to get a job or work harder in school, yet she was allowing him to live at home without contributing to the household chores or paying rent. He had no incentive to step up. Her child had learned that his mom will take care of his basic needs even if he doesn’t contribute.

A Facebook friend Michelle Willis’ 5 year old stole a $15 book. Michelle held her daughter accountable to pay for the book by doing household chores. Her daughter, now 12, still has the book, and learned early in her life that you can’t get something for nothing.

5) How will this prepare my child for their future?

Each stage of development prepares a child for the next phase of life. Allowing your child to make age appropriate choices and experience natural consequences early on gives them experience to build on for future developmental stages in every area of life: intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, physically.

Homework seems to be one of the most common parenting struggles. Here’s an example of how early experiences with natural consequences build preparation for the future. If your first grader forgets to do homework they may have to stay in at recess. In Junior High School if you forget to turn in a paper you’ll get a lower grade in the class. In High School forgetting to turn in papers means a lower grade in class and a lower GPA which limits future options, like college scholarships or work opportunities. Turning in papers in a time manner in High School or college prepares you for adult employment where forgetting to write report for board meeting will get you fired.

Another Facebook friend, Emily Bitner Hill, shares how she lets natural consequences teach her High School children who want to stay home because they aren’t feeling well. “They are quickly learning life is easier and less stressful if they go to school and stay on top of their work without me saying a word,” she says.

Wasatch Family Therapy is offering FREE therapy next week only!

WHY: Celebrate the opening of our Provo location
WHEN: Oct. 3-7, 2011
WHERE: Wasatch Family Therapy Provo
363 N University Ave, Suite 108A, Provo UT 84601Provo
HOW: Bring a canned food donation for Provo Community Action Food Bank and we’ll waive your therapy fee!

Click here for details and to schedule your free therapy session.

photo credit: David Boyle

Back to school doesn’t have to be all about your kids. Let the start of a new school year inspire you. Therapist, Julie Hanks, has a grown-up perspective on back to school that can help improve your emotional health. I recently did an interview for Natural Health Magazine’s article “Back to School for Grown Ups” about channeling school day memories and fall’s energy to improve our lives as adults. Here’s a quote from the article:

The weather, certain smells, certain tastes-all of these things can trigger memories of earlier experiences,” says Julie Hanks LCSW, a psychotherapist in Salt Lake City. “Come fall, some women feel the same type of anticipation they did as kids and might even unconsciously find ways to relive or improve upon the experience.”

I thought it would be fun to take inspiration from school days gone by and put my own emotional health twist to it, to help inspire you to take care of your emotional selves. Let’s reclaim some of the joy associated with the beginning of a new school year!

1) If you loved recess

Why we loved it – games, freedom, break from school work, fun, social interaction.

TIP: Bring back playfulness & joy to physical activity

Instead of exercising to lose weight or burn calories, focus on activities that are fun, provide social interaction, and feel nurturing. Check out fun activities at community recreation centers or adult recreational activities and sports leagues. My friend and neighbor Andrya Lewis, recently brought up her decision to exercise for fun and when she feels like it. “At this point in my life, I deserve to do what I want to do.” Here’s Andrya at a Jazzercise class that combines her love of dance, music, and socializing.

2) If you loved school lunch

Why we loved – As a child we ate without guilt or concern for nutrition. My elementary school favorite was pizza day with an ice cream sandwich for dessert.

TIP: Eat for pleasure

Take a break from counting calories, fat grams, etc. Splurge on your favorites once in a while. Earlier this week I went to lunch with some girlfriends and we ordered turkey sandwiches with cheese (instead of without), dressing on the salad (instead of on the side), and we ordered dessert.

3) If you loved making new friends…

Why we loved it – different students in class each year introduced us to a variety of people and potential for new friends.

TIP: Shake up your social scene

Take the advice you tell your kids and extend yourself to someone outside of your usual circle. Reach out to someone who may need a friend, who’s new at work, or who recently moved into the neighborhood.

Build in activities that get you out of your comfort zone socially like joining a mom’s club, hiking club, book club.

I recently helped a psychotherapy client with this very topic. She struggles with depress and was feeling socially isolated. We came up with a list of her interests, a list of clubs, church groups she could participate in. I encouraged her to build new social interactions into her weekly schedule. She joined a community theater production and attended a weekly church group to expand her social network.

4) If you loved new subjects

Why we loved learning – variety of subjects, interactive learning, projects, activities, adventure, willing to take risks and try something new.

TIP: Learn what you wished you’d learned in youth

“I wish I’d learned how to _______________________.” It’s never too late to learn something new. Be willing to get out of your comfort zone and to look foolish, at times. Local school district community education programs for adults are an excellent resource for low cost classes that range from cake decorating, to home buying, to parenting, to salsa dancing, to guitar lessons, and so on. For years I’ve been inspired by my friend and colleague psychologist Dr. Kathryn Kair who started taking dance lessons in her 30′s and turned a room in her home into a dance studio. She also started taking piano and singing lessons at age 34. She didn’t have the opportunities to take lessons in childhood so she decided to learn them as an adult. Her step-daughter Nicole decided to join her and learn how to belly dance.

5) If you loved riding the school bus

Why we loved it — Down-time, relax, visit with friends, trusted someone else to get you where you needed to go, take the long way home.

TIP: Try public transportation

Let someone else be in charge of navigation so you can read, rest, or play games on your phone. Try taking UTA Trax or bus to your next business meeting, lunch date with friends, fun activities with the kids or for weekend date night. I asked my Facebook friends about their past school bus riding experiences. While riding the bus was not a highlight for everyone, Lauren said, “I loved it. I would meet my friends at the bus stop. We would play cats cradle till the bus came, sit up front and talk to the bus driver and sing.”

On the topic of using public transportation as an adult, Bruce said that he enjoys the “chill-out time on the bus and train so that when I get home I’ve shook off most of the garbage from work and am ready to be human as I walk through the door at home.” Other friends listed these benefits of public transportation: getting work done, meditating or reading scripture, journal writing, and sleep.

Back to school isn’t just for kids. Let this time of year inspire you to reclaim the best parts of your youth.

The Overbooked Child

Good parents sign their kids up for dance, sports, music, art, and language lessons, right? In a recent NewYorkTimes.com arti

cle Alina Tugend says, “…in an effort to give their children everything, some parents end up not just depleting financial resources, but also their own emotional energy.” Exposure to early opportunities, classes, sports, and lessons to gain skills doesn’t guarantee future success for your child,

and in some cases may be detrimental to your child and family. Here are some common myths that lead to overbooked kids, parenting truths and tips to help you to give your child what he or she really needs to succeed.

MYTH #1: Good parents sign their children up for many activities

TRUTH: Too many activities can create anxiety, exhaustion, and stress for children and parents.

TIP: Balance scheduled activities with unstructured play time

Play is a child’s work. It is crucial to a child’s development of intelligence, imagination, social skills and language, especially in young children. Overbooking activities can negatively impact your child’s overall development.

MYTH #2: If I push my child to excel he/she will have high self-esteem

TRUTH: Excellence and achievement don’t equal self-worth.

If a child’s sense of self-worth is based on excellent performance in a sport or activity, what happens when they break their arm, or they don’t make the basketball team? Be cautious not to gauge your value as a parent on your child’s achievements or talents.

TIP: Create family rituals that foster connection and emotional communication.

Children who have strong family relationships and have parents who coach them in healthy expression and management of emotions have stronger sense of self-worth and have more success later in life.

MYTH #3: All children have an exceptional hidden talent

TRUTH: Exceptionally talented children are just that — the exception.

TIP: Expose your child to a variety of activities and interests over time, not at the same time.

Most children will grow up to be good people and productive members of society with a variety of gifts, abilities, strengths and talents.

MYTH #4 Good parents always put their child first

TRUTH: Top parenting skills don’t involve sacrificing for your child.

TIP: Show love and affection, manage your own stress, and model healthy adult relationships.

Often, the best thing you can do for your child is to take good care of yourself and your relationships instead of over-parenting and overbooking them.

References & Links:

Epstein, R., What Makes a Good Parent, (Nov. 2010). Scientific American Mind, 46-51.

Tugen, A., Family Happiness and the Overbooked Child, (2011, Aug 12). New York Times.

WasatchFamilyTherapy.com

photo credit: P i c t u r e Y o u t h

Do you and your partner fight about whose turn it is to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, or put the kids to bed? Julie Hanks, LCSW, Director of Wasatch Family Therapy is here to help couples understand and setting the chore war. Division of household chores is among the top sources of conflict for couples. According to Dr. John Gottman the happiest, and most sexually satisfying relationships, are those where husband participate equally in childcare and household chores.

Despite evidence that men are contributing more at home than ever before to household chores and child rearing many women still complain of feeling overwhelmed and overworked. According to recent U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics the work load of men and women have never been so similar.

A recent Time Magazine cover story, “Chore Wars” explores the narrowing gap between the time men and women spend performing unpaid tasks, challenging the common assumption that working mothers have a “second shift”:

• Full-time working moms did just 20 minutes more of combined paid and unpaid than working husbands.
• Married couples without children working full-time are doing the same amount of unpaid work at home.
• Men are doing nearly 3 times the amount of child care compared to 1965.
• Families and Work Institute found that 60% of fathers said they were having a hard time managing the responsibilities of work and family.

So why do women still feel like they’re carrying more than their fair share?

• Although actual time spend doing household chores is similar, the burden management and tracking of household tasks usually falls on the woman.
• Society still values on paid work over unpaid work so there’s less social reward for household duties.
• Women tend to multitask during leisure time, whereas men are better at relaxing during leisure time.

Tips to settle the “chore war” in your relationship:

Explore your own gender assumptions about chores

Think of the household responsibilities chores as “ours” instead of “yours”

Decide together who will do what and who’s in charge of tracking it

Express appreciation for your spouse’s paid and unpaid work

Use leisure time to relax together, not to multitask