Texting is a great for conveying information, but not emotion. It doesn’t replace the comfort of being with someone or hearing their voice –Julie Hanks, LCSW

Read the KSL News article here

Read the study abstract

photo credit: Jhaymesiviphotography

It’s always fun to see which posts catch your interest over 12 months. Looking back over 2012 the top posts are a mix of music, personal posts, parenting tips, marriage topics, and mental and emotional health advice…and that list just about sums up my life!

A big surprise is #1 — guess you haven’t forgotten that I’ve been a performing songwriter for, oh, 25 years. But, the biggest surprise on this top 10 list is #2 because I only posted it last week! So, many of you have shared it with friends and family online. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing my articles and posts, for great blog discussions and social media comments, and coming to live events this year. I am grateful to have you as part of my “virtual” family.

OK…so here’s the top 10 posts of 2011…

1. 3 Generations of Azevedo Performed in Church Today
2. Letter To Santa That Made Me Cry
3. How To Stop Overreacting and Keep Your Cool
4. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
5. National TV Appearance On Nov 3 Secretly Pregnant on Discovery Health
6. Tuesday Tunes: Window To His Love
7. Avoiding Parenting Clashes With College-aged Kids
8. Q&A: Is Date Night Too Much To Ask? & I’m Never In The Mood!
9. 8 Surefire Ways To Emotionally Mess Up Your Kid
10. Keep Your Marriage Emotionally HOT

I am a social media lover so I hope you’ll stay connected in 2012.

The damage…

Here hair used to be this long…

After the repair hair cut–all is well

I am 14 and recently my parents have discovered I struggle with self-injury. After discovering this, they are going to send me to see a therapist to help with the issue. They, of course, know I struggle with self-injury, but I would prefer if they did not hear about it if I tell the therapist when I self-injure. Is this possible, or is it required that they inform my parents when I cut? As a minor, do I have any confidentiality from my parents?

A: First of all, I’m glad that your parents are going to take you to a therapist to address your cutting. Your cutting is a warning sign that something in your emotional life needs to be addressed. While there is confidentiality between client and therapist, there are limits to that confidentiality.  Therapists are required ethically and by law to intervene when a client is threatening serious harm to self.  Since cutting can  range from minor surface scratches to life threatening wounds, and I don’t know how serious your self-injurious behavior is, I am not able to fully answer your question. Your question can be best answered by your specific therapist when you meet with him or her. At your first session, I suggest that you ask your therapist how he or she will handle your disclosure of self-injury.  Because you are a minor, it is likely that your parents will be involved in some way in your treatment. Many therapists will require family therapy  when working with minors because family dynamics often play a part in a child’s distress, and because parents play an important role in the healing process.

My biggest concern regarding your question isn’t whether or not your therapist will tell your parents, but why you don’t want your parents to know the full extent of your self-injury. Is it because you are embarrassed of what they will think? Is it because you don’t want to upset them? Is it because they will be angry with you? Is it because they will overreact? I hope you will address this important question with your therapist.

The fact that your parents are taking you to therapy to get help tells me that they are concerned about you, that they care about you, and that they acknowledge that you are in pain and need professional help. Consider that they may be able to help and support you through this difficult time as you sort through your emotions and resolve the pain underlying your self-harming behavior. You are 14 and it’s their job to make sure you are safe.

Take good care of yourself, and let your parents take good care of you, too.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Q: Why are we afraid to set boundaries that might offend someone?

You might mistakenly confuse boundaries with aggression or with using a “sword” stance. It might feel “mean” to you to do something that you know will contribute to another person’s pain, or you may feel responsible for other people’s emotions.

It’s helpful to think of these 3 relationship stances when setting boundaries:

Doormat -

This passive stance is characterized by a lack of awareness of your own feelings, highly valuing pleasing others, devaluing own wants and needs, and feeling “run over” by others. You value other’s emotional needs above self.

Sword -

In this reactive stance, you’re emotionally “on guard”, lashing out at slightest hint of emotional threat, on “high alert”. You might let emotions build up and then explode with cutting words, snide remarks, or become cold and aloof and unavailable. You value your own self-protection over other’s needs.

Lantern –

In this enlightened stance, your “emotional” feet are planted firmly on the ground. There is a feeling of calmness as you seek a broader perspective. When you do get upset you don’t ignore it or react to it but seek understanding. You value your own and other’s emotions and desires and take responsibility for your part.

Q: Why are we afraid to tell people what we need or what we want?

We don’t want to jeopardize our relationships. We are afraid of isolation or rejection, or we are afraid to hurt those we love because that causes us pain too.

Q: Do we worry too much about other people’s feelings?

We do worry about other’s feelings to much when it comes to boundaries. I worked with a couple recently whose family always stays with them during the holidays. Just having had a new baby, this couple was not feeling up to having house-guests, yet they were hesitant to take a stand. We talked about the importance of concentric circles of relationships. In the core is self-care, then the next ring is the marriage relationship, then parenting, then extended family—in that order and challenged them to set boundaries, even if feelings are hurt.

Q: Are women more afraid to offend other than men are?

Women in particular are hard wired and socialized to highly value relationships and emotional bonds. I had a client whose friend constantly badmouthed her own ex-husband. While she wanted to supportive she was sick of hearing complaining. I encouraged her to honor herself and her own needs first, hold up a “lantern” to the situation and state what she saw was going on. For example, “I can tell this divorce has taken its toll on you and you’re really angry with Tim. Of course you are. However, I’m getting worn down by the topic and wondering if it would be more helpful for you to talk to a therapist because I’m not sure what to say anymore.”

Q: What if others don’t respect our boundaries?

There’s nothing more frustrating than setting clear boundaries and not being heard valued, or taken seriously. I worked with a woman whose adult son lived at home and refused to get a job. She needed him to take responsibility for his life but she felt like he was ignoring her and wasn’t taking action. We worked to help her set a clear, firm timeline of when he needed to start paying rent or find another place to live. Instead of trying to make him get a job, I helped her shift to setting firm boundaries in areas that she hat she could control (like who lived in her house).

Q: Is it harder to set boundaries with certain people?

Some people don’t like being told “no” and may resort to a “sword” stance if you do. If there’s underlying tension, unresolved issues, or insecurities in the relationship it may be harder to set boundaries.

A common dynamic I see in my practice is tense in-law relationships. There was one situation where a client’s mother-in-law kept trying to parent her kids when she was there, what food he could or couldn’t eat. I suggested that she take her mother-in-law aside and using a lantern stance, acknowledge her mother-in-laws good intentions and ask her not to step into a parenting role without being invited.

Q: Why do we protect other people at our own expense?

We protect others at our own expense because we think it’s the “right”, nice, loving thing to do. You may have been taught not to express yourself or it may be hard for you to know how you feel and what you want.

This is a common dynamic especially during the holidays. Holiday traditions with extended family often trump the individual and family needs. I’ve worked with many families who want to deviate from family traditions but know that others will be “hurt” by their decision.

Should you keep your kids believing in Santa?

1) Let your child take the lead

· Watch for Santa doubt starting to creep in sometime between ages 5-7.

· Children usually make a gradual shift in beliefs instead of one big moment around age 7.

· Cognitive development shifts around this age from fantasy to more rational judgments based concrete evidence that doesn’t add up.

· 2 of 3 children said they felt pride in figuring out the truth about Santa, and half still liking the idea of Santa even though he wasn’t real. (Source )

· In preparing for this segment I asked my 9 year old, “Tell me about Santa…” He replied, “You mean do I believe or not? I think he’s real because there is no way you guys could hide all those presents from us! And I don’t think you could leave and buy all that stuff on Christmas eve. But I don’t believe in the tooth fairy. I think that’s just you or Dad leaving money under my pillow.”

· “We told our kids right from the start that there was no Santa. They chose to believe otherwise. We insisted that he was a story, a fairy tale. They insisted that we were teasing them. Finally, when they were around ten or so they started to realize that we had been telling them the truth all along but they decided when and what to believe.” –Stephanie Cannon

2) Respond directly and simply to child’s questions

· “How does Santa get to everyone’s house in one night? We don’t have a chimney! Do reindeer really fly?”

· As level of reasoning increases (concrete & logical), belief in Santa decreases.

· Researchers interviewed with hundreds of kids, and none of them said they were angry at their parents for “lying” when they found out the truth about Santa. They knew that the deception was friendly and not malicious. (source)

3) Don’t go overboard trying to convince child to believe

· Kids are also more likely to believe in Santa if their parents encourage them to do so, but I think it’s important to consider their appropriate level and if you’re keeping them believing primarily for you or them.

· There’s some evidence that children may already be imagining and playing along with you, like they do when they dress up like a pirate, they know that the pirate sword isn’t real, or they’re not really drinking tea at their tea party.

· Author and psychologist Alison Gopnik, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley says, “Children will happily and convincingly engage in the lovely pretend game about the benign old guy with the reindeer, without necessarily thinking he’s real.”

· Rose T. shared this comment on my website…”…as soon as a child knew who Santa was (he or she) was sub-contracted to do Santa’s work for him on Christmas Eve at our house. That child got to stay up late and help set up the stockings/living room (and see some of the presents in advance!), Waiting for their siblings’ reaction to the presents is very nearly as exciting as waiting to get the presents. It became a sort of natural transition from ‘getting’ to ‘giving’.”

4) Let your child have their feelings

· Children usually have a positive reaction to finding out the truth about Santa while parents report feeling a loss and feel sad at about child’s discovery.

· 82% of children appeared to be indifferent to actually seeing Santa. (Source)

· How many times have you seen kids crying in terror at the site of the man in a big red suit at the mall?

· Bruce Henderson is professor of psychology at Western Carolina University sent graduate students to malls and noted, “…frequently parents, in their determination to give their children the Santa experience or to get a photo for the scrapbook, were insensitive to their children’s wariness or outright fear of the big man in the red suit. Smiling was rare, crying was not. Parents may act the Scrooge without realizing it. (Source)

5) What can we learn from Santa?

· There’s no right or wrong way to approach the Santa tradition or to answer the Santa question.

· Whether you talk about Santa as a “story” or as “real” Santa, this is an opportunity to teach your child about intangibles in life: love, generosity, hope, believing in something bigger than yourself.

· I loved this poignant letter answering her daughter’s question, “Are YOU Santa?”

…Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy. With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too. (Source)

I’d love to hear your experiences, stories, and thoughts on my blog post “Moms, how do you answer the questions “Is there really a Santa?”

Under pressure to let your kids go hi-tech? Get expert advice on when to let children have a cell phone, open a Facebook account and more. Studio 5 Contributor and therapist, Julie Hanks, has tips to help you manage kids and technology.

1) At what age should a child have a cell phone?

Age 12 is the earliest I’d recommend a basic cell phone for safety reasons.
Age 16 is the earliest for smart phones.

Tech Tip: Encourage responsibility by having them pay for monthly fee and any additional charges.
Tech Tip: Have child check in phone at night, before bedtime.

2) At what age should a child have a Facebook account?

Age 14-15 with parental oversight of online activity. Facebook requires you agree that you are at least 13 before you can set up an account.

Tech Tip: Have current login information to child’s social media accounts and check them randomly.
Tech Tip: Require that your child add you as a “friend”.

3) At what age should a child have a video game system?

Ages 4 + activity based games on Wii or Xbox Kinect. Games should focus on physical activity, social skills, and basic decision making skills.
Age 8 + for Handheld devices like 3DS or PSP. Games should focus on development of interests, increased confidence and competence in their abilities.
Age 14 + for more intense games.

Tech Tip: limit gaming time and encourage social and physical activity.
Tech Tip: Beware of violence first-person shooter games as they desensitize to real-life.

4) At what age should your child have an iPod Touch/iPad?

Ages 12 is the youngest age for iPod Touch/iPad, and only with parental restrictions. Identity is the main developmental task during teenage years. Music, entertainment and playing games are a large part of adolescent identity.

Tech Tip: Get familiar with device “settings” so you can restrict web browsing, app installation, YouTube, etc.

5) At what age should a child have a laptop?

Age 18 is the age I’d recommend unsupervised use of laptop.

Tech Tip: All computer usage should be in open area of home and under supervision.

More Parenting Tech Tips:

· There is no such thing as confidentiality when it comes to internet/wifi usage.

· Parents should have log in and passwords to all online accounts, phones, texts.

· No phones, TV’s, or computers, iPad devices in bedrooms or after hours for safety and good sleep habits.

· Most tech gadgets have Internet access so monitor closely.

· Check and set parental controls on all electronic devices.

· No unsupervised Internet access on personal devices until 18.

1) Model a creative life

Let your kids in on your own creative outlets. Whether it’s creating an online scrapbook, journal writing, floral arrangements, card making, playing flute, etc.  My kids have grown up seeing me write songs and perform in concerts. Because I’ve continued to develop my creative side, from as young as 18 mos-2 yrs they’ll sit at the piano and scribble on a sheet of paper and bang on the piano keys while singing.

2) Have a variety of artistic mediums available

From polymer clay figurines to finger paints to play dough to a piano to colored pencils, have a variety of artistic mediums readily available and within reach of younger children. Encourage your child to explore his or her senses in the creative process by asking questions that help your child reflect on the process of creating. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to be creative.  Focus on the process instead of the finished product.

3) Use a “broad brush” when defining creativity

Don’t limit creativity to the visual or performing arts. I encourage my children to use creativity in solving relationship problems, in school work, in expressions of gratitude, and in how they approach any type of problem. Creativity is a way to approach life, not only a finished “product” to display on the fridge.

1) Shut down all emotional expression

If your child expresses anger, sadness, fear be sure to make fun of them, tell them not to feel, and dismiss their emotions. Withhold love whenever they express emotion, especially vulnerable feelings. Another tactic is to express more intense emotions than they are showing so they’ll stop feeling and focus on comforting you.

2) Set inconsistent rules

Never talk openly about your expectations for your child’s behavior. Make your child guess what the ground rules are and change them constantly. Be sporadic and unpredictable in giving consequences and punishment.

3) Ask your child to solve your problems

Share all of your worries, concerns, and relationship problems and ask them to solve it for you. Always present yourself as incapable of taking care of yourself and your child.

4) Put down your child’s other parent

If you’re married, never show affection to your spouse. Alternate between being cold and rejecting of your spouse, and fighting and screaming with them in front of your child. If you’re divorce, remain cold, distant, and bitter, angry, and blaming of your ex for the rest of your life. Talk poorly of your ex to your child, and while you’re at it, send subtle and overt messages to your child that he or she is the cause of your divorce.

5) Guilt trip your child when they try to separate from you

Whether your child is two, twelve, or eighteen years old cry, you should cry hysterically or dismiss them when they express thoughts, feelings, or desires that are different from yours. If they show any signs of wanting to explore new things, meet new people, or express any thought or emotion that’s different from you, respond by saying dramatically, “How could you do this to me?”

6) Base your entire self-worth on your child’s performance

Link your self-esteem on your child’s appearance, behavior, how well they do academically, and how many friends they have. Remind them that their performance reflects on you, as their parent, and that any failure makes you feel like a horrible parent. Put extreme pressure on them to be the best in everything they do. Threaten to withhold love if they don’t win the beauty pageant, if they don’t make student body president, if their grades fall below a 4.0, etc.

7) Get in the middle of your child’s relationships

Direct every action your child takes in their relationships. If your child gets in trouble at school, immediately rush to talk to the teacher and get your child off the hook. As your child grows, be overly involved in your child’s friendships, love relationships, and referee all disagreements and fights with peers. If you have more than one child, get in the middle of sibling relationships by comparing them to each other regularly by saying, “Why can’t you be more like ______?”

8) Expect your child to fulfill all of your unfulfilled dreams

Push your child to do all of the things you wished you’d done as a child and teen. If you’ve always dreamed of becoming a professional dancer, force your child to take daily dance classes starting at age 2. If she ever wants to quit alternate between crying hysterically and giving her the cold shoulder. If you’ve always dreamed of being a pro baseball player, force your son to carry a baseball during all waking moments and threatened to abandon him if he isn’t MVP every year. Let him know that if he doesn’t get a college baseball scholarship you will be disappointed for the rest of your life.

If this post hits a little too close to home, we can help you gain emotional insight, become a better parent to your child or teen, or resolve issues from your own childhood and adolescence. Contact my therapy clinic here to see how we can help you.

photo credit: PinkStock Photos!

Tune in Nov. 3rd 8PM MT to Discovery Fit & Health

No. I’m not secretly pregnant. Several months ago I got a call from a casting company asking if I’d be willing to do some pro bono therapy with a woman in Salt Lake for a women’s health documentary show about women who are hiding their pregnancies. I agreed and the next day a producer, crew, and new client “Jen” came to Wasatch Family Therapy to film the first of 2 sessions for the show. Would you let a camera crew sit in on your therapy session? Surprisingly, after a while I forgot they were even there and was really able to connect with and help “Jen”.

Here’s a little clip from behind the scenes.

Here’s more about the show:

Each episode of “Secretly Pregnant” follows the experiences of two women who, for various reasons, have hidden their pregnancies from their family, friends, boyfriends and/or bosses, and follows them through the emotional reveal of their secret and the aftermath that includes the birth of the baby.

Local therapist Julie Hanks, LCSW and Salt Lake City resident “Jen” will be appearing on the November 3 episode of Discovery Fit & Health’s new series “Secretly Pregnant.” As part of the episode Hanks will be providing therapy, with the cameras rolling, for Jen who is hiding her pregnancy due to fears that stem from the traumatic stillbirth of a previous pregnancy.

Here’s more about the show on Discovery Health

Watch the episode trailer

Peek behind the scenes during the shoot

Luckily, marriage counselors have more tools than ever before to help couples understand the root of their emotional disconnection and to repair relationships, if they are willing. Dr. Susan Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, the model we use here at Wasatch Family Therapy, has had tremendous success repairing severely distressed relationships.

Learn more about this proposed wait period and here a few of my thoughts on the topic…

Read the entire “Second Chances: A Proposal To Reduce Unnecessary Divorce

Read more on KSL.com – Waiting period before divorce could prevent split families

“Women need to develop a willingness to view bodily changes as part of the journey of motherhood, instead of something to be feared,” says Julie Hanks, a psychotherapist, and owner and director of Wasatch Family Therapy in Cottonwood Heights, Utah. “It’s crucial to have a healthy view of your body during and after pregnancy.”

Read the full article on Parents.com

photo credit: www.photographybyjoelle.com

Sweet! My therapy clinic Wasatch Family Therapy and I got a shout out in the November issue of Parenting Magazine!

Read my advice on common parenting mistakes (and my own personal confessions) on newsstands this week.

Download the pdf below

7 Mistakes Even Smart Parents Make–Fixed! (pdf)

WHAT is emotional family history?

Emotional family history is the emotional and relational patterns inherited and/or learned from your parents and grandparents, which may have been passed down to you. It includes:

1. nature: predisposition to certain emotional & mental health problems or traits (i.e. depression, anxiety, addictions)

2. nurture: learned patterns of how to manage emotions in relationships (i.e. “It’s not ok to be angry” or “When there is conflict it’s best to leave the situation”).

WHY is emotional family history important?

Just like physical health history, country of birth, or personal history of ancestors, we can learn valuable information about ourselves by looking at the emotional patterns we have inherited or learned from our families. The awareness of positive as well as negative traits and patterns that have been passed down to us allows us to understand ourselves better, to be more aware of our emotional vulnerabilities, and to take responsibility for our emotional lives. Like puzzle pieces, the more pieces you have in place, the more clearly you can see the picture of where you came from emotionally. Frequently, clients will fear that doing emotional family history is somehow “not honoring” their parents and grandparents, but in my own experience I have found that the more emotional puzzle pieces I have about my parents and grandparents, the more I am able to empathize with their struggles and honor their lives.

HOW & WHERE do you find emotional family history information?

F-A-M-I-L-Y!

F – Feedback from “Outsiders”

“Outsiders” are anyone who did not grow up in your family. Spouse’s, in-laws’, friend’s, neighbor’s observations about the idiosyncrasies of your family are worth considering. As you grow up in your family, it’s easy to think that your family’s way of managing emotions is the norm because it’s all that you know. Some examples of observations are “Why does your family seem to yell at each other over every little thing?” or “Your family seems to handle conflict really well. I really like how everyone can have differing opinions and it’s O.K.” or “Why don’t you or your siblings, tell your dad how you feel about the way he talks to your mom?”

A – Ask Hard Questions

Be willing to ask the hard questions and get more curious about family relationship patterns. “Why did Grandma and Grandpa divorce in their 70′s? ” or “When did Uncle Joe and Aunt Betty stop talking to each other?” “How did Grandpa manage to remain so kind and loving even after he returned from the war?” Notice positive and difficult trends among family members. Are there family members who’ve exhibited incredible capacity for forgiveness, or tolerance of differences, or emotional resilience after traumatic experiences? Are there signs of unresolved trauma, addictions, abuse, divorces, infidelity, suicide or other problems that many families don’t openly talk about?

M – Mental Health Histories

Just as health histories are important source of information for you, mental health history of your family can also empower you to be educated, to know what symptoms to watch for, and to get help if those symptoms arise in your own life, and in the lives of your children. Mental health history allows you to be proactive and take preventative measures. Is there a history of depression, anxiety, personality disorders, substance abuse, physical or sexual abuse? Here’s an example of how mental health history is important. A new mom struggles to understand why she feels hopeless and worthless and has feelings of wanting to abandon her baby. Her mother discloses AFTER her daughter is diagnosed with postpartum depression, that she, too, suffered from postpartum depression after 3 out of her 4 deliveries. Had she shared that information with her daughter prior to her daughter’s diagnosis, they could have been more proactive in education and treatment.

I – Identify Emotional Rules

Each family has a unique way of being, managing emotions, and getting our emotional needs met. While some of these rules are explicit (i.e. “Men are always right”, “We don’t talk about feelings”, “We wear our feelings on our sleeve”, “Never admit that you’re wrong”, “It’s ok to cry when you’re physically hurt, but not emotionally hurt”), many are implicit and we follow the rules without conscious awareness. Ask yourself, “What messages did I receive about happiness, sadness, anger, fear?” and “How did my parents manage each of these emotions in themselves?” “How did my family respond when I have expressed each of these emotions?” If you were raised with parents who were sensitive to your emotions and needs, then you will likely have healthier emotional rules to live by.

L – Life Scripts

Similar to a movie script, we learn who our “character” is (the smart one, or the pretty one, or the lazy one) and how to respond in certain relational situations (i.e. when someone says you did a great job on a project at work, you are supposed to point out all of the flaws in your presentation and discount the compliment). We also live by scripts regarding our physical body, money, intelligence, worth, future, gender role, intimate relationships, sexuality, and family life. Just like emotional rules, many of the scripts you live by are implicit and never stated directly. For example, if your parents never discuss sex with you, you may be living by a script that sex is bad or wrong.

Y – Your Own Experiences

Examine and reflect on your own experiences in your family – the positive and the painful. Take the emotional family history information you receive from others and check it against your own experience in your family. Ask yourself, “Does this fit with my experiences?” The beauty of becoming aware of your emotional history is now you are free to sift through the information, keep the positive emotional patterns, and be proactive in changing the patterns that you don’t want to pass on to your family. Knowledge allows you to take responsibility for your current and future emotional life. Example: if your family has anger management issues and you find yourself screaming at your family, take anger management classes.

I was recently asked to comment on favoritism in families on KSL TV news. Here’s the interview!

Did your parents have a “favorite” child? Do you secretly enjoy one of your own children over the others? Feel free to comment below or join in the conversation about playing favorites on my Facebook page!

The only source of knowledge is experience. – Einstein

Being a “good parent” usually means being involved in your child’s life and “doing” things for your child, like volunteering in school, attending their sporting events, and teaching them values and skills. Allowing your child to experience natural consequences is painful for parents because they require us to do less or to not do something which might leave you feeling like a “bad” parent. You may want to rescue your child from natural consequences to prevent your child from feeling pain, to keep your child happy, or to make your child like you. Or you may intervene in natural consequences to ease your own pain. It’s hard to see your child struggle with difficult emotions like disappointment, failure, loneliness.

If our job as parents isn’t to keep our kids happy, what is our job? It’s to do what we can to raise responsible children who grow up and contribute something positive to society, and to encourage self-awareness and sensitivity to others so they can grow up to create fulfilling adult relationships and healthy families.

1) Is my child in immediate danger?

If “no” then let natural consequences play out. If “yes” then intervene and use other ways of teaching. Examples of immediate danger are a toddler running into street, teen driving drunk, tween chatting with a stranger online. Generally, these situations are the exception in everyday parenting. It’s the small situations that are sometimes the trickiest to work through, like a child forgetting lunch, fighting with friends, breaking a household rule, because they don’t seem like a big deal individually, but they add up over time.

2) Whose problem is this?

Who owns the problem? If you “pick up” the problem and hold on to it, your child will let you and allow you to be in charge of their problem. Notice the language you use when talking to your child about their struggles. I hear a lot of moms say, “We’ve got a lot of homework tonight.” That’s a sign that mom is owning the homework, instead of the child. I like to tell my 9 yr old, “I already passed 3rd grade. This is your homework and I’m here to help and support you.” Your language can give clues to who owns the problem/issue.

Author Byron Katie says there are 3 kinds of “business” in life:
a) your business
b) other people’s business (including your child’s)
c) God’s business
We are usually in pain when we get into other people’s or God’s “business”.

I am currently in the difficult process of letting my seventeen year old own and experience the consequences of a big mistake. We have an old car that she was able to drive. She drove it for weeks without oil, after several reminders from her dad, and the car was damaged beyond repair. She is now paying us back a couple thousand dollars for the car she totaled. It is her problem.

3) What is the most loving thing to do?

Doing the “loving” thing isn’t the same as being nice or choosing a path that results in the least amount of relational conflict. The loving thing may at first seem to be rescuing, but being loving is actually doing what’s in your child’s best interest.

I’ve seen parents, in an attempt to be “nice” and unconditionally loving enable their chid to continue to break the law, to take advantage of others, and to develop a sense of entitlement. In extreme cases, I’ve known a few parents who, in the name of love, enabled an adult child to an early death from addiction by not allowing them to hit rock bottom and continually bailing them out.

4) What will my child learn if I rescue him/her?

By rescuing your child from natural consequences you may be inadvertently teaching your child not to trust their own judgement, that they are not capable of handling hard things, and that they will always need you to help them. I recently met with a mother of an adult child who was angry at her son for taking advantage of her. She wanted him to get a job or work harder in school, yet she was allowing him to live at home without contributing to the household chores or paying rent. He had no incentive to step up. Her child had learned that his mom will take care of his basic needs even if he doesn’t contribute.

A Facebook friend Michelle Willis’ 5 year old stole a $15 book. Michelle held her daughter accountable to pay for the book by doing household chores. Her daughter, now 12, still has the book, and learned early in her life that you can’t get something for nothing.

5) How will this prepare my child for their future?

Each stage of development prepares a child for the next phase of life. Allowing your child to make age appropriate choices and experience natural consequences early on gives them experience to build on for future developmental stages in every area of life: intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, physically.

Homework seems to be one of the most common parenting struggles. Here’s an example of how early experiences with natural consequences build preparation for the future. If your first grader forgets to do homework they may have to stay in at recess. In Junior High School if you forget to turn in a paper you’ll get a lower grade in the class. In High School forgetting to turn in papers means a lower grade in class and a lower GPA which limits future options, like college scholarships or work opportunities. Turning in papers in a time manner in High School or college prepares you for adult employment where forgetting to write report for board meeting will get you fired.

Another Facebook friend, Emily Bitner Hill, shares how she lets natural consequences teach her High School children who want to stay home because they aren’t feeling well. “They are quickly learning life is easier and less stressful if they go to school and stay on top of their work without me saying a word,” she says.

Wasatch Family Therapy is offering FREE therapy next week only!

WHY: Celebrate the opening of our Provo location
WHEN: Oct. 3-7, 2011
WHERE: Wasatch Family Therapy Provo
363 N University Ave, Suite 108A, Provo UT 84601Provo
HOW: Bring a canned food donation for Provo Community Action Food Bank and we’ll waive your therapy fee!

Click here for details and to schedule your free therapy session.

photo credit: David Boyle

Well, I’m 15 and I’m really sad because my brother always gets everything he goes and sees my dad and gets £30 or more of him every time he gets money for stuff as well everyday and when I go and see my dad all i get is a £5.  My brother also got a xbox connect of my dad. I asked my dad for a xbox 360 and he said he has no money but he always gets my brother stuff and when my brother comes home he brags about it and I’m getting fed up of it. My birthday comes and all he gets me is a little ornament I don’t want to seem ungrateful its just he treats my brother different to me he should treat us both the same but he don’t. I think its favouritism.

A: I can see why you are so confused and sad about not being treated fairly by your father. Dads are the most important male figure in an adolescent daughter’s life. Consider talking with your dad about your hurt. Start by expressing gratitude to your dad for what he has provided for you. Then, gently call his attention to perceived differences in the way he treats you and your brother. Be sure to use “I” statements as much as possible and avoid using accusations like “you always…” and “you never…”. An example of this is “Dad, I feel sad when you give my brother more money than you give to me because I’m afraid it means I’m not as important to you.”

Another issue here is the competitive relationship with your brother. I can’t help but wonder what’s behind his bragging. It sounds like neither of you live with your dad, right? Do either of you have a fear of losing touch with your dad or of not being important to him? Is your brother exaggerating the gifts from dad so he feels more secure about dad’s love for him? I have more questions than answers here so feel free to write back.

It sounds to me like the core issue behind the money and gifts is your hurt and fear about not being as valuable to your dad.  The first place to start is sharing those feelings with your dad and asking for reassurance of his love.

Thank you so much for writing in and asking for help. Please let me know how the conversation goes.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

The Overbooked Child

Good parents sign their kids up for dance, sports, music, art, and language lessons, right? In a recent NewYorkTimes.com arti

cle Alina Tugend says, “…in an effort to give their children everything, some parents end up not just depleting financial resources, but also their own emotional energy.” Exposure to early opportunities, classes, sports, and lessons to gain skills doesn’t guarantee future success for your child,

and in some cases may be detrimental to your child and family. Here are some common myths that lead to overbooked kids, parenting truths and tips to help you to give your child what he or she really needs to succeed.

MYTH #1: Good parents sign their children up for many activities

TRUTH: Too many activities can create anxiety, exhaustion, and stress for children and parents.

TIP: Balance scheduled activities with unstructured play time

Play is a child’s work. It is crucial to a child’s development of intelligence, imagination, social skills and language, especially in young children. Overbooking activities can negatively impact your child’s overall development.

MYTH #2: If I push my child to excel he/she will have high self-esteem

TRUTH: Excellence and achievement don’t equal self-worth.

If a child’s sense of self-worth is based on excellent performance in a sport or activity, what happens when they break their arm, or they don’t make the basketball team? Be cautious not to gauge your value as a parent on your child’s achievements or talents.

TIP: Create family rituals that foster connection and emotional communication.

Children who have strong family relationships and have parents who coach them in healthy expression and management of emotions have stronger sense of self-worth and have more success later in life.

MYTH #3: All children have an exceptional hidden talent

TRUTH: Exceptionally talented children are just that — the exception.

TIP: Expose your child to a variety of activities and interests over time, not at the same time.

Most children will grow up to be good people and productive members of society with a variety of gifts, abilities, strengths and talents.

MYTH #4 Good parents always put their child first

TRUTH: Top parenting skills don’t involve sacrificing for your child.

TIP: Show love and affection, manage your own stress, and model healthy adult relationships.

Often, the best thing you can do for your child is to take good care of yourself and your relationships instead of over-parenting and overbooking them.

References & Links:

Epstein, R., What Makes a Good Parent, (Nov. 2010). Scientific American Mind, 46-51.

Tugen, A., Family Happiness and the Overbooked Child, (2011, Aug 12). New York Times.

WasatchFamilyTherapy.com

photo credit: P i c t u r e Y o u t h

1) Money

Pam: “I would like to ask how I can make my daughter understand the difference between a $100 pair of jeans and a $50 or $25 pair of jeans and how to make money go farther?”

Tip – Give your daughter the cash

Decide on a budget and stick to it. Be concrete about it by using cash so your daughter can actually see and feel the money. This is a great way to allow her to make difficult choices to be accountable for her clothing selections.

2) Modesty

Shannon: “How do I tell my daughter that things she likes are too short or too tight for my taste?”

Pam: “In today’s society everything is cut so low…how do I help her shop more modestly?”

Tip – Let your school dress code be the “bad guy”

My kid’s school district dress code says shorts and skirts must be mid-thigh or longer, no midriffs or underwear showing, no spaghetti straps or tank tops. Along with consulting the dress code, before going shopping discuss what styles are off-limits, how your family defines modesty, and what is considered age-appropriate.

3) What’s Appropriate?

Kristen: “My question is…my daughter, who is eleven and a middle schooler, wears sweat pants and yoga pants to school. I want her to wear appropriate, nice looking clothes for school and still be comfortable”.

Tip – Explore the question, “What do you want your clothes to say about you?”

Moms, this is a great opportunity to discuss how appearance isn’t everything, it isn’t the source of value, but it does send an initial message about who you are. Help your daughter explore what characteristics, values, and traits she wants to convey.

4) When Should Tweens/Teens Shop Alone?

Leah: “How do I tell my mom I’d rather shop alone, not with her all the time?

Tip – Ask directly for what you want without complaining

Instead of saying, “Why do you always want me to shop with you?” or “When are you going to let me shop alone?” try “Mom, I’d like to spend some time shopping alone this year. Would you be ok with that?”

5) Differing Taste and Values

Jayden: “How do I help my mom understand that name brand things are actually important to me?”

Sydney: “It’s hard to find something that we both agree on. How do I get my mom to buy me what I want?”

Tip – Use empathy to find the middle ground

Daughters – remember that your mom really does want what’s in your best interest and has more life experience than you do. Mothers – you can develop more empathy by reflecting on when you were a teen, and how certain details (brands, styles) were very important. From a place of empathy you can find that middle ground instead of getting into a power struggle.