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Lots of us follow people we like and admire online; a favorite DIY blog or a former high school classmate on Facebook. But when does “blog stalking” cross the line? Therapist, Julie Hanks, LCSW has five signs to watch for.
1) You post more often on their page than on your own
2) You think about them when you’re doing other things (or you answer
question for them on their blog/page)
3) You talk about them in conversations as if you’re close friends
4) People can tell who you follow online when they meet you
5) Your real-life responsibilities and relationships are neglected
What are your favorites blogs to follow? Have you ever been guilty of blog-stalking?
Do you ever feel like there’s too much to do and not enough of you?
This is definitely a theme in my life. It doesn’t help that my hubby has 4 back to back business trips in a row and we’re only half way through. The good news is I’m heading to Southern California this afternoon to speak to hundreds of amazing women at a Deseret Book Time Out For Women weekend! I’ll be offering up a few thoughts on developing your authentic self, but ironically, I’ll be the one who comes away benefiting the most from spending time in the presence of so many good women and having my own “time out”.
While I’m sad to be leaving my family today, after several night of my 5 yr old coming into my bed and kicking me in the head I’m looking forward to uninterrupted sleep. I need my sleep…and the sunshine…and some time with other women who know what it’s like to feel “overwhelmed and underpaid” sometimes.
Has someone accused you of being too sensitive or suggested that you grow a thicker skin? Or maybe you’ve heard that you’re hard to read or that you’re a tough nut to crack?Those comments may be clues to your style of processing emotions. how much of your environment you let into your being and how aware you are of your feelings.
The boundary concept was developed and researched by Ernest Hartmann, MD, of Tufts University, and this concept was expanded further in the book Your Emotional Type by Michael A. Jawer and Marc S. Micozzi. Jawer and Micozzi’s research further explore “thick and thin” emotional types, suggesting that our minds and our bodies are connected, and that our emotional type impacts our predisposition to certain health conditions. “Different people process their feelings in different ways–your emotional style is a fundamental aspect of who you are. It affects more than just your outlook on life; it can affect your very well-being,” according to Jawer and Micozzi.
I have met with so many women in my therapy office who have shut down their emotions because they think it’s the right thing to do. Anger seems particularly difficult for women of faith to understand, manage, and express in healthy ways.
I’m honored to be a new presenter on Deseret Book’s Time Out For Women 2012 Tour “Seek The Good” talking on the topic of developing your most authentic self. Part of the message is the importance of honoring and feeling our emotions. Feelings are a gift to guide our lives. They aren’t “good” or “bad”. Feelings are INFORMATION to guide us to our most authentic self.
Here’s a video clip from a recent TOFW presentation about the importance of honoring our emotions…even anger.
Have you been taught to shut down “negative” feelings?
What have the consequences been for you? For your emotional and physical health?
How do you manage painful emotions in healthy ways?
You may be surprised to learn that “moderation in all things” applies to moods, too. June Gruber, a professor of psychology at Yale University compares happiness to food. We need it, but too much of it can cause problems. While happiness is associated with a stronger immune response, longer life, and ability to endure painful experiences, it also has a dark side.
Happier people tend to:
1) Engage in riskier behavior
Dr. June Gruber’s research suggests that too much happiness can lead to higher levels of risk-taking behavior, excess alcohol and drug use, binge eating. Negative emotions, like fear, have a protective value warning of dangers.
2) Drop out of school earlier & earn less money
People with the highest life satisfaction at young ages are reported to drop out of school earlier and later in life have lower income levels earning about $3500 less than those who reported less life satisfaction in early ages according to research by Dr. Edward Diener.
3) Make snap judgments that reflect stereotyping
Dr. Galen Bodenhausen’s research in 1994 simulated a student court - half the students were told to think about mundane activities from the previous day and the other half were put in a positive mood. The ones in a positive mood easily convicted Juan who beat up John while the others were divided.
4) Be more easily deceived
People want a happy jury of happy people are easier to deceive, can’t detect lies as easy and can’t tell a thief from an honest person as suggested by Dr. Joe Forgas’ research.
5) Be more selfish
Dr. Joe Forgas’ research found that when asked to divide raffle tickets, happier people keep more for themselves while sad people tend to divide tickets evenly.
Instead of focusing on trying to be happy:
1) Focus on developing high quality relationships
2) Engaging in meaningful activities that bring joy
3) Accept that negative emotions have their place
Dr. Barbara Fredrickson discovered that at a ratio of at least 3 to 1 positive to negative emotions is where people flourish and thrive in life and relationships. (Read the Washing Post Article here)
What should you do if you suspect a friend’s child has a problem? Here are my tips for when to step in and when to step back. Ask yourself these 5 questions:
1) How close is this friend?
If you notice that a neighbor’s child is overly aggressive and angry (hitting, biting or throwing things) toward others should you say something? It depends on how close you are to your neighbor. “I’ve noticed that your child sometimes feels things intensely and gets a bit rough with other kids.”
TIP: Bring it up in a tentative, emotionally neutral way
2) Has your friend been open to feedback in the past?
If you’ve given your friend honest feedback in the past it’s more likely that she’ll be open to specific feedback about her child. Even moms who are generally open can easily get defensive when the think their child is being criticized. If you suspect your friend’s child has some kind of emotional or mental disorder like ADHD or Autism, it may be hard for your friend to hear.
TIP: Ask first if she is open to feedback about her child
3) What is your intent?
Look honestly at your motives and intentions. Are you bringing up a concern about your friend’s child to make your little darling look better, or to make yourself look like a better mother than she is? If you suspect that your friend’s child is cheating on tests at school to get straight A’s you may want to check yourself and make sure your motive is really trying to help her child.
TIP: Make sure your intent is to help her child
4) Does this directly impact your child?
If your child is directly affected by your friend’s child’s behavior, then bring your concerns up to your friend. You first priority should be protecting your own child, and preserving you friendship comes second. A common issue with preschool and early elementary school is peers asking to show their “private areas”.
TIP: If it impacts your child, bring it up
5) Are you willing to risk your friendship?
There are some concerns that may be worth risking a friendship. For example, if your friend’s teen is drinking and driving or having unprotected sex with multiple partners and your friend has no clue, for public safety and serious health concerns it may be worth taking a risk and bringing it up.
Insecurity about appearance among teens girls is nothing new. In past decades, girls would ask friends and peers, “How do I look?” The internet now allows teens to take that question to the masses asking in YouTube videos “Am I pretty or ugly?” Desperate cries for validation are opening up young women to mean and insensitive comments or sexual innuendos by anonymous commenters.
When I first heard about these videos I felt sick inside. It played to the insecure teen that still lurks in me, and at times. I can quickly connect with those feelings of early adolescence when I was trying to find myself and to be accepted by others.
We are constantly bombarded with messages that women’s primary value is in the attractiveness of her physical appearance, and unfortunately sometimes the parents place excessive emphasis on daughter’s external qualities.
What can parents do?
Value & Model Character
As parents, it is crucial to create an environment at home that combats the cultural overemphasis on appearance by valuing our young girl’s character, intellect, and action. Crucial is modeling a healthy body image and valuing ourselves as multidimensional people.
Monitor All Computer Use
Parents, I can’t stress enough how critical it is to stay up-to-date on technology so you can guide your teen, and monitor online activity. Software like Webwatcher can be installed and track all site visited, chats, email, and more. There is no confidentiality when it comes to online behavior so ask for login and passwords to all of your minor child’s online accounts.
10 Commandments For Kids Online
Discuss with your teen the safety risks of posting information online. The Kim Komando Show published this great contract that you can print out and have your children sign called 10 Commandments for Kids Online.
A new bill introduced in the UT House during the current legislative session proposes a discounted marriage license rate to couples who’ve gone to 3 hours of premarriage counseling. What do you think about the bill? Listen to my advice to engaged couples…
Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law don’t always speak the same language. But, there are ways to prevent miscommunication and avoid misunderstandings. Therapist, Julie Hanks, LCSW explains what those mixed messages really mean.
“My kids NEVER did that!”
TRANSLATION: needs acknowledgement that she did a good job as a parent.
MIL TIP: notice and comment on positive parenting moments.
“When are you going to give me a grandchild?”
TRANSLATION: wants you to know that she’s excited to be a grandma.
MIL TIP: Convey trust in Daughter in law & son to make those important decisions.
“I always clean/cook/organize this way.”
TRANSLATION: wants acknowledgement for her homemaking experiences.
MIL TIP: Wait until you’re asked before giving any advice.
“He was mine first.”
TRANSLATION: wants you to know how much she loves her son and she’s scared to lose him.
MIL TIP: Be direct about relationship wishes but not demanding (i.e. I’d love to see you guys more often. Are you free for dinner Sunday?)
“Have you put on weight?”
TRANSLATION: wants you to know that she cares about her appearance.
Adults may think crushes are silly, even superficial. But to a child, a first crush is a big deal. Therapist, Julie Hanks, LCSWÂ has “do’s” and “don’ts” to help you handle your child’s first crush.
1) Watch for signs
First crushes generally happen in elementary school between 5-10 years old. Even if your child doesn’t tell you directly that they have a crush, you might see the signs: giggling with friends, being mean to or teasing the child they like, or planning a special gift.
2) Get curious
This is a great opportunity to understand more about your child and to begin help them explore their preferences and values. Ask your child open ended questions like: “Tell me more about Kate…” “How does John feel about you?” or “What is it that makes her special to you?”
3) Never tease
Feelings of affection are the beginnings of attraction that will lead to meaningful relationships in the future. Talk about feelings of infatuation in a positive light, as a wonderful thing. Never tease or make fun of your child’s crush.
4) Set boundaries
Your child’s first crush is a great time to start a dialogue about appropriate physical and emotional boundaries, especially if your child is in older elementary school. Discussions on showing physical affection, spending time together, texting are all important things to start talking about.
5) Soothe hurt feelings
When first crushes are not reciprocated, it can be painful, even for children. This is an opportunity for you to teach your child that they are resilient and can move on after being hurt or disappointed.
