Eat, Pray, Love…at Home

Taking a year out of your life and traveling the world to rediscover yourself, like Elizabeth Gilbert in her best-selling memoir turned blockbuster movie Eat Pray Love, is hardly realistic for me and for most women I know. Yet, there is something about Liz’s quest to reconnect with herself and to rediscover her passion for life that resonates with millions of moviegoers. I believe its possible to continue the journey of personal development while remaining committed to family relationships, and without traveling to exotic destinations.

Tips to Eat Pray Love…at Home:

1-Venture out of your comfort zone

Liz: “I used to have this appetite for life and it’s just gone!” “I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something!” (Eat Love Pray, 2010).

If you feel numb, shut down, or on emotional “autopilot” try stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new, uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Try a new restaurant or a new sport. Extend yourself to someone outside of your circle of friends. If you like to read fiction, read non-fiction. You don’t have to travel to an exotic destination to get a new perspective on life.

Kelly O. a single 30-something professional decided to face her fears and say YES to new experiences throughout the year. Read her blog post “Unplanning Life” which highlighting 55 new firsts she’s experienced this year. http://kellyolivia.blogspot.com/2010/03/unplanning-life.html

From a man’s perspective…Steven Kapp Perry, radio host & father of 4 got out of his comfort zone by “climbing King’s Peak with my boys (twice) and I’m afraid of heights. I could go on. I think everything good about my life has come from venturing out of whatever my comfort zone used to be. It’s a lot bigger place these days.”

2-Savor your senses

Liz: “I’m having a relationship with my pizza”. This is my no Carb left behind experiment.” (Eat Love Pray, 2010).

Are you trapped in a routine of checking off tasks and making schedules? If so, try tuning into your senses: taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound. The ability to savor your own experience, no matter how small, adds dimension and increases positive feelings of pleasure. Focus on how it feels to be in your body, the wonderful smell of your favorite pizza, the warm touch of a friend’s hand on your shoulder, the beautiful sunset…

In my psychotherapy practice with women, many clients express that they have lost the enjoyment in physical intimacy. I think this is in part because they have become so good at tuning into their loved ones needs and emotions that it becomes difficult to “switch gears” and focus on their own senses; a requirement for fulfilling sexual experiences.

3-Practice mindfulness

Liz: “Ok, Simply empty your mind. You’re going to sit here for an hour of your life and you’re not moving, why is this so hard…” (Eat Love Pray, 2010) .

Focus attention solely on the present moment and acknowledge your thoughts and emotions without judgment. Take a few minutes each day to quiet your mind and see what comes up. Relaxation, meditation, yoga, prayer, and many other spiritual practices provide health and mental health benefits, and have even been shown to improve your relationships.

Jennie M., wife and mother of three boys advises: “Take time to focus on things that matter most to us and try to have a good balance. For me it is running. My husband supports me and watches our 3 boys while I go run 30 – 60 minutes. It’s my time to get out think, pray, re-focus, and have time to myself.”

4-Listen to your inner voice

Liz: “I need to change. Since I was fifteen I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy”  (Eat Love Pray, 2010).

It’s easy to let the voices, needs, opinions, and expectations of others drown out your own voice, just as Liz experienced in Eat Pray Love. If your gut says you need a break, or need more time with friends, or need to rest, listen and ask for your needs to be met. Longings, dreams, thoughts and feelings are clues to what you need in order to continue your personal growth.

Jennie G., wife and stay-at-home mother of five says: “Learn to trust that inner voice. If it tells you that you really need a night out with a friend, do it! If you need to start a new book, buy one. If you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, go serve someone else. If you want to learn something new, sign up for a class. I think each of us know what we need, we’re just too scared or not used to listening to that inner voice that will guide you to exactly what it is you need. The trick is to listen, and know that you are worth listening to!”

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Connect with me on the web!

What did you think about the movie Eat Pray Love?

How do you stay passionate about your life and continue your personal growth?

The Self and Family Show

The ability to reach an international audience with my message of helping women stay strong and take good care of themselves while caring for their families is thrilling! This week I’ll be learning about all of the technical aspects of recording and hosting my own show, and the first couple of episodes should post sometime next month.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with The Women’s Information Network please check it out. It’s an amazing online resource with advice and help from experts in so many areas…from organizing your home to forensic science, from single parenting to the latest in the entertainment world.

What is The WIN?

The Women’s Information Network (The WIN) is quickly becoming the Premier Media and Social Network for Women ~ The Online Home for All Women, All Ages.

1. The WIN provides hundreds of free, quality audio/video shows on a wide variety of topics, organized into channels, presented by experts, and delivered in easily-accessible formats.
2. The WIN also provides hundreds of articles, and fun ways for participants to interact with women worldwide through our Conversation Boards and interactive Webinars.
3. The WIN will have a huge e-commerce solution, The WIN Store, and now has an informative, entertaining online television show, The WIN Show.
4. The WIN loves to present Conferences and Retreats where women learn, laugh, and strengthen each other in powerful ways. Our offline events will help us become a massive, vibrant community of women both online and offline.
5. The WIN is honored and delighted to help women all over the globe through our charities. Our mission is to “Strengthen Women and Families Worldwide.”

The WIN invites you to come play with us! Click here to learn how you can be part of this wonderful community of women helping women “Get Solutions, Share Ideas, and Really Connect”. We look forward to meeting you!

These two shows to strengthen marriage and family, hosted by my friends, are definitely worth listening to:

The Marital Intimacy Show

The Parental Power Show

I’d love your ideas!

Tell me what’s on your mind and I’ll turn it into a show topic. Anything relating to caring for yourself and improving your relationships is fair game. If you have specific questions you’d like me to address on the show let me know (I’ll do it anonymously).

Feel free to post your comments and ideas below (your email will not be made public) or contact me HERE.

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares tips for losing the guilt about hiring out some tasks at home or work.

Tips to lose the guilt:

1) Think more like a man

A few years ago, when I was feeling overwhelmed at home and at work. My therapy practice was growing and I felt stretched too thin. The thought occurred to me, “What would a man do in this situation?” I decided instead of finding a part-time babysitter I would change the job description to part-time “home assistant” who would do laundry, cook, dishes, errands, or whatever else needed to be done to keep the household going on the days I worked. Thinking like a man also led me to seek out an office manager instead of trying to run the office myself.

2) Consider bartering

If you’re thinking, “I’d love to hire it out but I don’t have the money” then consider bartering with a family member, neighbor of friend. If you’re a gourmet chef but don’t like to work in the yard, find someone who doesn’t enjoy cooking but has a green thumb. You can offer to cook dinners in exchange for your friend planting your flower or vegetable garden. Start a child care co-op with other mothers with small children if you need help with child care. Get creative!

3) Shift your beliefs

Your thoughts may be perpetuating your feelings of guilt when you think about hiring out some of your tasks. Ask yourself these four questions to help you change your thinking and feel more freedom about getting additional help:

A) What situation is triggering the guilt?
B) What is my underlying belief?
C) Where does this belief come from?
D) What is healthier belief?

Here is a personal example from my own life. After I had my first child, I was still wanting to finish my education but I needed some tools to sort through the guilt relating to hiring child care:

What situation is triggering my guilt? Hiring a caregiver for my baby when I’m in class.
What is my underlying belief? I should be with my baby 24 hours a day. A good mom is always with her baby and puts her own goals on hold.
What is the origin of my belief? Cultural messages, beliefs of some family members.
What is healthier belief? I am my son’s primary caregiver, however, he will benefit from interacting with others, including his dad, grandparents, and other responsible adults.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Do you hire out any household responsibilities?

Read WomansDay.com article “How to handle relationship questions gracefully” HERE

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares tips for simplifying your day and mastering the art of leaving things undone.
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Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is a nobler art of leaving things undone.  -Lin Yutang

I’m the first to admit that that I have a lot on my plate and that I like to get things done. However, I recently wrote a blog called “Confessions of a Multi-tasking Mama” about all of the things I don’t do – the things I leave undone. I received many emails and blog comments from women expressing relief that they are not alone in leaving things undone, and sharing their own candid “confessions” of what they leave undone. I’ve posted some of their comments at the end of this article.

TIPS FOR LEAVING THINGS UNDONE:

ACCEPT YOUR LIMITATIONS

I have surveyed hundreds of women and found that the majority of women felt guilty for all that they’re not doing (for leaving things undone). There will always be things left “undone”.

BREAK YOUR OWN RULES

Often the pressure to do everything is self-imposed.  “I can’t leave the house until the dishes are done” or “I can’t play until all of my work is done” are examples of self-imposed rules that can be broken.

CHOOSE PEOPLE OVER TASKS

In the busyness of life the accomplishing of tasks can seem overwhelming, easily overpowering the importance of our relationships. Ask yourself this question: Will anyone mention this at my funeral?

DECIDE YOUR PRIORITIES

When you are aware of what is most important to you, it’s a lot easier to let the less important things remain undone. To identify what is most important to you ask yourself:  What is my life about?  Who is most important to me?

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities. -Steven R. Covey

ENGAGE IN YOUR PASSIONS

When you engage in the things you love and spend time with the people you love, it’s easier to leave other things undone because you are living in and enjoying the moment. Engaging in activities that energize you everyday is crucial to refueling your emotional tank and helping to prioritize what to do, and what to leave undone.

I asked some of my Facebook friends and blog followers what they leave undone to simplify their day. Here’s what they had to say…

I leave my bed unmade during the week. Oh, and I leave the cookie dough unbaked. – Kelly M.

Have kids help do jobs around house and DON’T go around and “fix” after (Takes discipline)! – Natalie C.

The folding of my laundry is the bottom of the list. The thing that NEVER gets done would be ironing. –Val Z.

I decided years ago that there is a difference between the job of mom and housekeeper. I am good at and love the mom job. The housekeeper job . . . not so much. – Amy W.

My house is less than stellar and I don’t cook hardly anything from scratch! –Debbie H.

As a home schooling mom of nine children, I tell people I am raising a family right now, not a house or a yard. – Heidi J.

Most often I’ll leave dirty dishes from dinner until the morning so I can spend time relaxing with my hubby. – Loralee T.

Housecleaning seems to be the only non-essential that can be left undone sometimes. We also use paper plates 80% of the time to cut down on dishes. Laundry only gets done once a week in our home (6-8 loads at a time), so kids have learned to hang up clothes they want to wear again. –Laura B.

As a teacher, I learned that it was okay to not correct every single paper the child does… sometimes a sticker or stamp is all they need to reward their effort. –Krystal P.

As a single mom, a lot of things go undone with 4 children 14 and under. I purposely prioritize my day so that I can have a clean kitchen, happy kids, and enough time to love each other. –April C.

I have also learned through the death of my mother that life is short and we should cherish each moment. There is no need to try to do it all and have it all. We must find balance and do and have the things that make us happy. I have weeds in my flower beds, I hide things in closets and under the bed and I take naps also. –Lisa

My children have friend B-Day parties every other year. – Emily H.

I don’t let my kids have extracurricular activities more than once a year. I also instituted “no play date days” during the school year. They are Monday, Thursday and Sunday. This brings me both sanity and allows me to see my children more often than throwing them in the car and bringing them places. – Pam B.

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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and Clinical Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!

Visit Wasatch Family Therapy or call (801) 944-4555 for information about individual, couple, and family counseling, groups, and workshops.

WHAT DO YOU LEAVE UNDONE???

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares tips for making wedding anniversaries meaningful.

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More couples “tie the knot” during the summer months which means more couples are also celebrating wedding anniversaries at this time of year. Taking the time, effort, and forethought to create meaningful anniversary traditions helps to nurture your marriage and to keep the romance alive. Reflecting on the history of your early relationship, and recommitting to the promises you made on your wedding day increases the sense of emotional security and deepens the bonds of love. Here are a few tips to inspire you to make your wedding anniversary more meaningful.

REVIEW YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Discuss your expectations with your spouse. Decide who’s planning the celebration, what the budget is, and other important details. Don’t expect your husband or wife to read your mind, or to know what you’d like to celebrate your special day. It’s your responsibility to talk about you wishes to your spouse if there’s any chance they’ll come true.

Looking at this photo of our wedding over 21 years ago brings back amazing memories and wonderful emotions.

REQUEST A HOLIDAY

You take off time for holidays like Christmas and July 4th so why not take a day off for the most personal holiday, your anniversary? Get a baby sitter, request the day off of work and spend the day with your sweetheart. Even if you’re just running errands, going to lunch, or taking a nap, spend the day together.

Daniel & Debra Breitenstein take time off from work to celebrate their first anniversary at the Anniversary Inn.

RENEW YOUR COMMITMENT

Whether it’s a formal renewing of vows in a ceremony surrounded by family, a verbal expression over a candlelit dinner, or a handwritten love letter expressing your on-going commitment to your spouse, do something that reminds your spouse that you are wholeheartedly committed to your marriage and that you treasure him in your life.

Kevin & Laura Brotherson, married 19 years, renew their commitment by taking a photo on each anniversaries and display them in their home as proof of their on-going commitment to each other. Kevin & Laura are founders of Strengthening Marriage, Inc., www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.

WATCH MORE TV SEGMENTS HERE

READ JULIE’S ARTICLES HERE

At first look it may seem that songwriting and psychotherapy  have little in common. But the older I get, the more I see the connections between my two “careers”.  Songwriting is my personal expression of emotion and thoughts, and fulfills my desire to connect with others in a meaningful way. My hope is that my songs will help you feel more hope, faith, relief, joy in your life…Music can be a powerful tool to help achieve a desired emotional state.

My work as a psychotherapist helps others express and make sense of their emotions and relationships. People generally come to me for therapy because they don’t like how the feel in at least one aspect of their life and want to “feel better”.

Emotional expression and connection tie both of my careers together. They are also what tie my family life together. They tie my life together.

THE POWER OF MUSIC

Music parallels all human emotions and can help us manage our feelings and change our emotions to a more desirable state. Your emotional response to a piece of music depends on your past musical experiences, the meaning of certain sounds on your culture. Today the soft hits of the 60s-90s are considered “easy listening music”, but at the time they were released they was considered edgy, even revolutionary.

Music is present in all cultures throughout time. It is used to bind groups of people together, such as signing hymns with a religious congregation or singing the National Anthem to promote patriotism. Through shared emotional experiences, music indelibly links your memories allowing you to emotionally revisit certain life events simply by listening to a few bars of the song that you associate with that time.

While there are many elements in music, rhythm is an important one that promotes movement or stillness in our bodies. On one end of the spectrum is Dance music, designed to elicit movement. In the middle of the rhythmical spectrum are ballads with slower rhythm that have a more neutral bodily movement response. One the other end of the spectrum is music without rhythm, collections of sounds that flow. Generally, music from the classical era, 1800’s, like Bach, and Mozart, is highly rhythmically organized and tends to promote brain activity, rather than physical activity, thus the term “the Mozart effect”.

IMPROVE YOUR MOOD THROUGH MUSIC

Here are a few suggestions for using music to improve your mood based on my own musical experiences and genre preferences. I’d love to hear your playlist suggestions!

1-STRESSED– Songs to help you relax

Look for music that has minimal rhythm, soothing tones, sounds from nature, organic instrumentation.
Recommended Genres: New Age, Classical, Acoustic Singer/Songwriters, Smooth Jazz

iTunes Playlist:

Liquid Mind – VIII Breath in Me
Claude Debussy - Suite Bergamasque: Claire de Lune
Mindy Gledhill – If I Had No Songs
Beth Nielsen Chapman – I’ll Give My Heart
Chris Botti - When I Fall in Love

2-LAZY – Songs to help you get moving

Select music that has a steady, driving beat, high energy feel, hopeful lyrics.
Recommended Genres: Dance, Oldies, Pop, Hip Hop, Electronic, Jazz

iTunes Playlist:

Beach Boys - Surfing USA
Kaskade – Face the Music (Kaskade Club Mix)
Glee Cast - Tell Me Something Good (Glee Cast Version)
Owl City – Fireflies
Destiny’s Child -Survivor

3- FRUSTRATED - Songs to help you find more joy/peace

Find songs with up-tempo rhythm, happy music, lyrics that give you a perspective shift, major chord structures.
Recommended Genres – Blues, Country, Folk, Alternative, Singer/Songwriter

iTunes Playlist

Sara Evans – Born To Fly
James Brown – I Got You I Feel Good
Tim McGraw - Watch the Wind Blow By
Nickel Creek - This Side
The Submarines - You, Me and the Bourgeoisie

4-DOWN- Songs that bring hope

Look for music with major chord structures, hopeful lyrics, authentic vocalists, and organic arrangements that life your spirit.
Recommended Genres – Indie pop, singer/songwriter, hopeful country, Gospel/Inspirational

iTunes playlist

Joy Williams - Sunny Day
Tyrone Wells – And the Birds Sing
Ryan Shupe - Dream Big
Jason Mraz – Life is Wonderful
Glee Cast – Don’t Stop Believing
Natalie Grant – Held

5-LONELY – Songs to help you feel more connected

Focus on hopeful lyrics, lyrics with relationship themes, and remind you of when you felt historically more connected in your relationships.
Recommended Genres – Country, Pop, Rock, Jazz

iTunes playlist

Mary Chapin Carpenter – I Have A Need For Solitude
Carrie Underwood – Temporary Home
John Mayer - Half of My Heart
Micheal Buble – Haven’t Met You Yet
Jordan Sparks – One Step At A Time
Miles Davis - You’re My Everything
The Remnant – Know This

Thank you to my dad Lex de Azevedo and my friend Krista Maurer for playlist suggestions!

How do you use music to improve your mood? Please share your iPod playlists for certain emotions.

Comment below…(email is required but will remain private)

Listen to my interview online HERE

Read the summer issue of Latter-day Woman Magazine HERE

Here’s today’s relationship column in the July 2010 issue of Wasatch Woman Magazine, now available as an insert in the Deseret News & Salt Lake Tribune! I’m thrilled about the opportunity to inspire even more women with my column. Here’s today’s article. Enjoy.

Watch my TV segment on this topic HERE

Read “Favorite Phrases For Relationship Confrontations” WW article  HERE.

Learn more about my therapy clinic HERE

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