Q: If something was to happen to me my brother would not be able to survive.  I need help. My mother adopted my brother at 13 whom is 21 now.  He had been foster care since he was 2 years old.  They labeled him as mentally ill.  We would hit is head on the wall, get upset and not talk for hours, and walk with his head shaking and hand dangling.  He was in LD classes in school and had visited 33 different schools in his lifetime.  Growing up he moved to main stream classes and currently he is in his 3rd year in college but just started taking regular classes.  My mother passed away in 2007 and it was left to my dad to raise him.  My dad tried to get him help and was told that he could take care of himself.  My dad could not handle it any longer so I took him in.  It took him 7 times to pass his test to get his license.  He does maintain a dish washing job.  The best I can discribe him is he can do things but needs to be reminded and has no sense of reasoning.  Only follows directions but will follow them exactly.  Just yesterday he didn’t understand that if he couldn’t make it to work that he had to let them know.  He thought he could just go in the next day and tell them.  I have remind him to clean his room, and he isn’t apart of the household.  He just stays in his room all the time.  I have realized he needs someone for a lifetime and I can’t provide it.  I am a single mother of three girls and need help.  He needs help with his finances.  I didn’t realize that til he was 500 dollars in the hole and wasn’t paying any bills.  I just don’t know where to start to get him the help that he needs.  Please help.

A: Thanks for writing in for help. I want to commend your for taking in your brother. That is very courageous. It sounds extremely difficult to see no end in sight, and to know how vulnerable he would be in the world without someone to guide and support him. I believe that there are two things that need to happen at this point: 1) access additional support for your brother and 2) find  help and relief for you so you don’t completely burn out.

Does your brother have an official diagnosis? If not, I recommend that you take your brother in for psychological testing and evaluation. Depending on his diagnosis, he may be eligible for additional resources and care through your state, and may qualify for disability benefits. Please consider contacting NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in North Carolina and inquire about advocacy and support services in your area, and contact your community social services agency here. Your brother may be eligible for some type of supervised housing situation, occupational therapy for life management skills, and other services. Putting some long-term help in place for your brother will hopefully alleviate some of your current burden and decrease your concerns about him if something should happen to you.

In the short run let’s get you some additional help. Can your father take shifts caring for your brother to give you a break on a regular basis? Are there any adult day care services in your area where you could know he was safe? There are resources available. Please reach out for support for both of you.

Take good care of you and yours!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

You’re probably asking yourself, “How can I reach a New Year’s resolution if I don’t write it down? Isn’t that the first rule of goal setting?” Don’t panic. Writing down things to do and ways to improve can be a helpful tool in becoming who you want to be. But the trouble with to do lists is not that we use them, it’s how we use them.

In my therapy practice, I often hear individuals complain of feeling like they “can’t get everything done” and then use their unmet resolutions and never-ending to do lists as evidence. I’m not suggesting you permanently toss your list, but rather wait. Before you write down resolutions for the new year, take a step back and acknowledge all of your important contributions and growth over the past year by creating what I call a “ta da” list. Doing so is a sure way to kiss guilt goodbye and start the new year feeling positive about who you are and what you’ve already accomplished.

Include everything you saw, did or learned during the previous 12 months, as well as details of small things you and others at home or work tend to overlook (e.g. played in the park with the children, organized the linen closet, finished an important project at work, befriended an elderly neighbor). Remember to include the small relationship contributions you made to enrich the lives of those you love (e.g. supported a friend, prepared a church lesson, took your child to the doctor, made a special meal for your family).

Here are some questions to help you get started on your “ta da” list:

• What have I done in the past year to provide physical or emotional support to someone else?
• How have I grown over the past year from life experiences and unexpected events?
• What have I done in the past year to better care for my physical and emotional health?
• What have I done that no one notices unless it doesn’t get done?

Once you’ve taken time to reflect and focus on the many great things you have already accomplished, you can have more confidence and clarity as you create your resolutions for 2012.

If you already struggle with perfectionism, the holiday season can be particularly difficult for stress management. For one thing, there are often higher expectations, more on your to do list, and more people to please. So, whether you struggle with perfectionism when it comes to buying the “perfect” gift, decorating the house “perfectly”, sending out the “perfect” Christmas card with the best family picture (mailed the day after Thanksgiving), or whether your obsessed with what to make for Christmas Eve dinner. Never fear! Here are a few tips to help you take a step back and let go of holiday perfectionism.

1) Says who?

Perfectionists tend to have rules about how things should be.

• Write down a list of a few of your Christmas “shoulds” that weigh you down.
• What if you thought about every tradition, decoration, gift as optional, as something you get to choose to do or attend or buy, or not?
• Add the question “says who” at the end and actually answer the question. For example, if my rule is “I should give a handmade neighbor gift to everyone on my street…says who?” my answer may be “Martha Stewart”
• Ask yourself if you want to accept that rule or reject that rule.

2) Traditions CAN be broken

Just because you’ve sent out 500 Christmas cards every year for 20 years doesn’t mean you have to send out cards this year. Just because you’ve always had Christmas Eve dinner at aunt Mary’s for 30 years doesn’t mean that you have to go. Be a rebel and consider breaking a family tradition, just this once.

3) Allow others to be disappointed

If you don’t find the exact gift your 10 year old wants, or you don’t get around sending out cards, expect that others will be disappointed. That’s OK. It’s not your job to keep everyone happy or make sure your children, or anyone else’s expectations are met.

4) Go for “good enough”

Anything worth doing is worth doing__________________(fill in the blank). If you’re a true perfectionist your answer will be “well” or “perfectly”. I prefer the fill in the blank with “badly”. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. As a reformed perfectionist myself (or should I say a selective perfectionist), this phrase has helped give me permission to embrace mediocrity. Instead of seeking perfection, try going for “good enough”. Does the tree look good enough? Try it.

5) Focus on relationships over “stuff”

Remember that relationships are always more important that “stuff”. Have you ever heard of anyone on their death bed lament that they didn’t spend enough money or time or energy on Christmas gifts, lights, decor, shopping? What really matters are people — those special connections to the ones we love. Spending time, expressing gratitude, writing letters, and showing affection to loved ones is the most important part of holidays. Focus on your spiritual beliefs, your family, and on feeling grateful for all of the imperfect people in your life.

Photo credit © 2010 Hannah Bryant

Listen to episode (007) “Mood Boosters to Beat the Winter Blahs“

I’m excited to be participating in PsychCentral.com’s Ask the Therapist Live Facebook Q & A event with Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker. We will both be available to answer YOUR mental health and relationship questions on Wed. Dec. 21st at 5:30-6:30PM MST in real-time in our Ask The Therapist Facebook Group.

Click here for details

Send you question to PsychCentral’s Ask The Therapist column anytime here

Q: Why are we afraid to set boundaries that might offend someone?

You might mistakenly confuse boundaries with aggression or with using a “sword” stance. It might feel “mean” to you to do something that you know will contribute to another person’s pain, or you may feel responsible for other people’s emotions.

It’s helpful to think of these 3 relationship stances when setting boundaries:

Doormat -

This passive stance is characterized by a lack of awareness of your own feelings, highly valuing pleasing others, devaluing own wants and needs, and feeling “run over” by others. You value other’s emotional needs above self.

Sword -

In this reactive stance, you’re emotionally “on guard”, lashing out at slightest hint of emotional threat, on “high alert”. You might let emotions build up and then explode with cutting words, snide remarks, or become cold and aloof and unavailable. You value your own self-protection over other’s needs.

Lantern –

In this enlightened stance, your “emotional” feet are planted firmly on the ground. There is a feeling of calmness as you seek a broader perspective. When you do get upset you don’t ignore it or react to it but seek understanding. You value your own and other’s emotions and desires and take responsibility for your part.

Q: Why are we afraid to tell people what we need or what we want?

We don’t want to jeopardize our relationships. We are afraid of isolation or rejection, or we are afraid to hurt those we love because that causes us pain too.

Q: Do we worry too much about other people’s feelings?

We do worry about other’s feelings to much when it comes to boundaries. I worked with a couple recently whose family always stays with them during the holidays. Just having had a new baby, this couple was not feeling up to having house-guests, yet they were hesitant to take a stand. We talked about the importance of concentric circles of relationships. In the core is self-care, then the next ring is the marriage relationship, then parenting, then extended family—in that order and challenged them to set boundaries, even if feelings are hurt.

Q: Are women more afraid to offend other than men are?

Women in particular are hard wired and socialized to highly value relationships and emotional bonds. I had a client whose friend constantly badmouthed her own ex-husband. While she wanted to supportive she was sick of hearing complaining. I encouraged her to honor herself and her own needs first, hold up a “lantern” to the situation and state what she saw was going on. For example, “I can tell this divorce has taken its toll on you and you’re really angry with Tim. Of course you are. However, I’m getting worn down by the topic and wondering if it would be more helpful for you to talk to a therapist because I’m not sure what to say anymore.”

Q: What if others don’t respect our boundaries?

There’s nothing more frustrating than setting clear boundaries and not being heard valued, or taken seriously. I worked with a woman whose adult son lived at home and refused to get a job. She needed him to take responsibility for his life but she felt like he was ignoring her and wasn’t taking action. We worked to help her set a clear, firm timeline of when he needed to start paying rent or find another place to live. Instead of trying to make him get a job, I helped her shift to setting firm boundaries in areas that she hat she could control (like who lived in her house).

Q: Is it harder to set boundaries with certain people?

Some people don’t like being told “no” and may resort to a “sword” stance if you do. If there’s underlying tension, unresolved issues, or insecurities in the relationship it may be harder to set boundaries.

A common dynamic I see in my practice is tense in-law relationships. There was one situation where a client’s mother-in-law kept trying to parent her kids when she was there, what food he could or couldn’t eat. I suggested that she take her mother-in-law aside and using a lantern stance, acknowledge her mother-in-laws good intentions and ask her not to step into a parenting role without being invited.

Q: Why do we protect other people at our own expense?

We protect others at our own expense because we think it’s the “right”, nice, loving thing to do. You may have been taught not to express yourself or it may be hard for you to know how you feel and what you want.

This is a common dynamic especially during the holidays. Holiday traditions with extended family often trump the individual and family needs. I’ve worked with many families who want to deviate from family traditions but know that others will be “hurt” by their decision.

Under pressure to let your kids go hi-tech? Get expert advice on when to let children have a cell phone, open a Facebook account and more. Studio 5 Contributor and therapist, Julie Hanks, has tips to help you manage kids and technology.

1) At what age should a child have a cell phone?

Age 12 is the earliest I’d recommend a basic cell phone for safety reasons.
Age 16 is the earliest for smart phones.

Tech Tip: Encourage responsibility by having them pay for monthly fee and any additional charges.
Tech Tip: Have child check in phone at night, before bedtime.

2) At what age should a child have a Facebook account?

Age 14-15 with parental oversight of online activity. Facebook requires you agree that you are at least 13 before you can set up an account.

Tech Tip: Have current login information to child’s social media accounts and check them randomly.
Tech Tip: Require that your child add you as a “friend”.

3) At what age should a child have a video game system?

Ages 4 + activity based games on Wii or Xbox Kinect. Games should focus on physical activity, social skills, and basic decision making skills.
Age 8 + for Handheld devices like 3DS or PSP. Games should focus on development of interests, increased confidence and competence in their abilities.
Age 14 + for more intense games.

Tech Tip: limit gaming time and encourage social and physical activity.
Tech Tip: Beware of violence first-person shooter games as they desensitize to real-life.

4) At what age should your child have an iPod Touch/iPad?

Ages 12 is the youngest age for iPod Touch/iPad, and only with parental restrictions. Identity is the main developmental task during teenage years. Music, entertainment and playing games are a large part of adolescent identity.

Tech Tip: Get familiar with device “settings” so you can restrict web browsing, app installation, YouTube, etc.

5) At what age should a child have a laptop?

Age 18 is the age I’d recommend unsupervised use of laptop.

Tech Tip: All computer usage should be in open area of home and under supervision.

More Parenting Tech Tips:

· There is no such thing as confidentiality when it comes to internet/wifi usage.

· Parents should have log in and passwords to all online accounts, phones, texts.

· No phones, TV’s, or computers, iPad devices in bedrooms or after hours for safety and good sleep habits.

· Most tech gadgets have Internet access so monitor closely.

· Check and set parental controls on all electronic devices.

· No unsupervised Internet access on personal devices until 18.

1) Model a creative life

Let your kids in on your own creative outlets. Whether it’s creating an online scrapbook, journal writing, floral arrangements, card making, playing flute, etc.  My kids have grown up seeing me write songs and perform in concerts. Because I’ve continued to develop my creative side, from as young as 18 mos-2 yrs they’ll sit at the piano and scribble on a sheet of paper and bang on the piano keys while singing.

2) Have a variety of artistic mediums available

From polymer clay figurines to finger paints to play dough to a piano to colored pencils, have a variety of artistic mediums readily available and within reach of younger children. Encourage your child to explore his or her senses in the creative process by asking questions that help your child reflect on the process of creating. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to be creative.  Focus on the process instead of the finished product.

3) Use a “broad brush” when defining creativity

Don’t limit creativity to the visual or performing arts. I encourage my children to use creativity in solving relationship problems, in school work, in expressions of gratitude, and in how they approach any type of problem. Creativity is a way to approach life, not only a finished “product” to display on the fridge.

“Women need to develop a willingness to view bodily changes as part of the journey of motherhood, instead of something to be feared,” says Julie Hanks, a psychotherapist, and owner and director of Wasatch Family Therapy in Cottonwood Heights, Utah. “It’s crucial to have a healthy view of your body during and after pregnancy.”

Read the full article on Parents.com

photo credit: www.photographybyjoelle.com

Back to school doesn’t have to be all about your kids. Let the start of a new school year inspire you. Therapist, Julie Hanks, has a grown-up perspective on back to school that can help improve your emotional health. I recently did an interview for Natural Health Magazine’s article “Back to School for Grown Ups” about channeling school day memories and fall’s energy to improve our lives as adults. Here’s a quote from the article:

The weather, certain smells, certain tastes-all of these things can trigger memories of earlier experiences,” says Julie Hanks LCSW, a psychotherapist in Salt Lake City. “Come fall, some women feel the same type of anticipation they did as kids and might even unconsciously find ways to relive or improve upon the experience.”

I thought it would be fun to take inspiration from school days gone by and put my own emotional health twist to it, to help inspire you to take care of your emotional selves. Let’s reclaim some of the joy associated with the beginning of a new school year!

1) If you loved recess

Why we loved it – games, freedom, break from school work, fun, social interaction.

TIP: Bring back playfulness & joy to physical activity

Instead of exercising to lose weight or burn calories, focus on activities that are fun, provide social interaction, and feel nurturing. Check out fun activities at community recreation centers or adult recreational activities and sports leagues. My friend and neighbor Andrya Lewis, recently brought up her decision to exercise for fun and when she feels like it. “At this point in my life, I deserve to do what I want to do.” Here’s Andrya at a Jazzercise class that combines her love of dance, music, and socializing.

2) If you loved school lunch

Why we loved – As a child we ate without guilt or concern for nutrition. My elementary school favorite was pizza day with an ice cream sandwich for dessert.

TIP: Eat for pleasure

Take a break from counting calories, fat grams, etc. Splurge on your favorites once in a while. Earlier this week I went to lunch with some girlfriends and we ordered turkey sandwiches with cheese (instead of without), dressing on the salad (instead of on the side), and we ordered dessert.

3) If you loved making new friends…

Why we loved it – different students in class each year introduced us to a variety of people and potential for new friends.

TIP: Shake up your social scene

Take the advice you tell your kids and extend yourself to someone outside of your usual circle. Reach out to someone who may need a friend, who’s new at work, or who recently moved into the neighborhood.

Build in activities that get you out of your comfort zone socially like joining a mom’s club, hiking club, book club.

I recently helped a psychotherapy client with this very topic. She struggles with depress and was feeling socially isolated. We came up with a list of her interests, a list of clubs, church groups she could participate in. I encouraged her to build new social interactions into her weekly schedule. She joined a community theater production and attended a weekly church group to expand her social network.

4) If you loved new subjects

Why we loved learning – variety of subjects, interactive learning, projects, activities, adventure, willing to take risks and try something new.

TIP: Learn what you wished you’d learned in youth

“I wish I’d learned how to _______________________.” It’s never too late to learn something new. Be willing to get out of your comfort zone and to look foolish, at times. Local school district community education programs for adults are an excellent resource for low cost classes that range from cake decorating, to home buying, to parenting, to salsa dancing, to guitar lessons, and so on. For years I’ve been inspired by my friend and colleague psychologist Dr. Kathryn Kair who started taking dance lessons in her 30′s and turned a room in her home into a dance studio. She also started taking piano and singing lessons at age 34. She didn’t have the opportunities to take lessons in childhood so she decided to learn them as an adult. Her step-daughter Nicole decided to join her and learn how to belly dance.

5) If you loved riding the school bus

Why we loved it — Down-time, relax, visit with friends, trusted someone else to get you where you needed to go, take the long way home.

TIP: Try public transportation

Let someone else be in charge of navigation so you can read, rest, or play games on your phone. Try taking UTA Trax or bus to your next business meeting, lunch date with friends, fun activities with the kids or for weekend date night. I asked my Facebook friends about their past school bus riding experiences. While riding the bus was not a highlight for everyone, Lauren said, “I loved it. I would meet my friends at the bus stop. We would play cats cradle till the bus came, sit up front and talk to the bus driver and sing.”

On the topic of using public transportation as an adult, Bruce said that he enjoys the “chill-out time on the bus and train so that when I get home I’ve shook off most of the garbage from work and am ready to be human as I walk through the door at home.” Other friends listed these benefits of public transportation: getting work done, meditating or reading scripture, journal writing, and sleep.

Back to school isn’t just for kids. Let this time of year inspire you to reclaim the best parts of your youth.

A common misconception about romance is that it’s all about money, about buying gifts, or planning trips for your lover,” said Hanks. “Romance can be simple, thoughtful gestures in day-to-day life that tell your partner that you are thinking about them, that you’re devoted to them.”

Read my 6 tips for “Marital Bliss” here

The Overbooked Child

Good parents sign their kids up for dance, sports, music, art, and language lessons, right? In a recent NewYorkTimes.com arti

cle Alina Tugend says, “…in an effort to give their children everything, some parents end up not just depleting financial resources, but also their own emotional energy.” Exposure to early opportunities, classes, sports, and lessons to gain skills doesn’t guarantee future success for your child,

and in some cases may be detrimental to your child and family. Here are some common myths that lead to overbooked kids, parenting truths and tips to help you to give your child what he or she really needs to succeed.

MYTH #1: Good parents sign their children up for many activities

TRUTH: Too many activities can create anxiety, exhaustion, and stress for children and parents.

TIP: Balance scheduled activities with unstructured play time

Play is a child’s work. It is crucial to a child’s development of intelligence, imagination, social skills and language, especially in young children. Overbooking activities can negatively impact your child’s overall development.

MYTH #2: If I push my child to excel he/she will have high self-esteem

TRUTH: Excellence and achievement don’t equal self-worth.

If a child’s sense of self-worth is based on excellent performance in a sport or activity, what happens when they break their arm, or they don’t make the basketball team? Be cautious not to gauge your value as a parent on your child’s achievements or talents.

TIP: Create family rituals that foster connection and emotional communication.

Children who have strong family relationships and have parents who coach them in healthy expression and management of emotions have stronger sense of self-worth and have more success later in life.

MYTH #3: All children have an exceptional hidden talent

TRUTH: Exceptionally talented children are just that — the exception.

TIP: Expose your child to a variety of activities and interests over time, not at the same time.

Most children will grow up to be good people and productive members of society with a variety of gifts, abilities, strengths and talents.

MYTH #4 Good parents always put their child first

TRUTH: Top parenting skills don’t involve sacrificing for your child.

TIP: Show love and affection, manage your own stress, and model healthy adult relationships.

Often, the best thing you can do for your child is to take good care of yourself and your relationships instead of over-parenting and overbooking them.

References & Links:

Epstein, R., What Makes a Good Parent, (Nov. 2010). Scientific American Mind, 46-51.

Tugen, A., Family Happiness and the Overbooked Child, (2011, Aug 12). New York Times.

WasatchFamilyTherapy.com

photo credit: P i c t u r e Y o u t h

1) Money

Pam: “I would like to ask how I can make my daughter understand the difference between a $100 pair of jeans and a $50 or $25 pair of jeans and how to make money go farther?”

Tip – Give your daughter the cash

Decide on a budget and stick to it. Be concrete about it by using cash so your daughter can actually see and feel the money. This is a great way to allow her to make difficult choices to be accountable for her clothing selections.

2) Modesty

Shannon: “How do I tell my daughter that things she likes are too short or too tight for my taste?”

Pam: “In today’s society everything is cut so low…how do I help her shop more modestly?”

Tip – Let your school dress code be the “bad guy”

My kid’s school district dress code says shorts and skirts must be mid-thigh or longer, no midriffs or underwear showing, no spaghetti straps or tank tops. Along with consulting the dress code, before going shopping discuss what styles are off-limits, how your family defines modesty, and what is considered age-appropriate.

3) What’s Appropriate?

Kristen: “My question is…my daughter, who is eleven and a middle schooler, wears sweat pants and yoga pants to school. I want her to wear appropriate, nice looking clothes for school and still be comfortable”.

Tip – Explore the question, “What do you want your clothes to say about you?”

Moms, this is a great opportunity to discuss how appearance isn’t everything, it isn’t the source of value, but it does send an initial message about who you are. Help your daughter explore what characteristics, values, and traits she wants to convey.

4) When Should Tweens/Teens Shop Alone?

Leah: “How do I tell my mom I’d rather shop alone, not with her all the time?

Tip – Ask directly for what you want without complaining

Instead of saying, “Why do you always want me to shop with you?” or “When are you going to let me shop alone?” try “Mom, I’d like to spend some time shopping alone this year. Would you be ok with that?”

5) Differing Taste and Values

Jayden: “How do I help my mom understand that name brand things are actually important to me?”

Sydney: “It’s hard to find something that we both agree on. How do I get my mom to buy me what I want?”

Tip – Use empathy to find the middle ground

Daughters – remember that your mom really does want what’s in your best interest and has more life experience than you do. Mothers – you can develop more empathy by reflecting on when you were a teen, and how certain details (brands, styles) were very important. From a place of empathy you can find that middle ground instead of getting into a power struggle.

Q: I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to formulate my thoughts into a paragraph but I can’t do it so I’m just going to list feeling as they come to mind.

1. I feel nothing on a regular basis. For example if I got a call saying that my mother died, I don’t think I would even cry.
2. I’m irritable beyond belief. If someone asks me to do something I get pissed for them even asking me.
3. I’m not suicidal, but I constantly question why I’m living and try to come up with reasons to continue on.
4. I don’t see people as individuals. I see everyone as a mammal, which leads me back to number 3.
5. I want to ask my parents, or anyone for help, but I’m afraid of being laughed at.
6. I don’t even try to interact with girls. I’m not homosexual at all, I’m still attracted to girls, but the effort I need to put in to get an outcome is unbalanced.
7. I observe everyone’s actions with relationships and reasoning and feel like everyone is, for lack of a better term, retarded.
8. I bite my fingers all the time, not just the nails, but the skin around it. After searching the internet I found over-focused ADHD which I believe I fit all the symptoms of.
9. I smoke weed. I’m not addicted to it, but it is the only thing that makes me happy. When I’m high my constant racing thoughts calm down allowing me to live normally.
10. Sometimes I get stuck on negative thoughts and experiences. For example, if I call a friend and they don’t answer I immediately think they are ignoring me and go into a downward spiral of depression until I hear back from them.
I’m sure there is more but as it is it took me an hour just to get those 10 down. Please help with some kind of advice.
Thanks – Lost Teenager

A: Please reach out for help from your parents as soon as possible. Ask them to take you to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist to get a mental health evaluation.

Though I can’t diagnose you without seeing you in person, I can tell you that what you are describing sounds to me like depression — the empty feeling, the extreme irritability, and the difficulty finding a reason to live, social withdrawal, and negativity. The good news is that there are several very effective treatments for depression, including cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and medication treatment. If your parents have generally been supportive of you in the past, they will likely respond positively to your request for help. If for some reason they aren’t supportive, please reach out to another adult, like a school counselor, for help. You don’t have to live the rest of your life with this much emptiness and disconnection.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

Q: I am a 17 year old High School student and I have felt this conflict my entire life, but only now can I ignore it no longer.

Amidst all of the discussion about college and ‘finding the right fit,’ I have realized that the major internal problem I have is that I lack an identity, lack interests, lack emotions, and therefore have trouble with social interaction. I am hopelessly apathetic at heart, and I don’t know how to reconcile the true ‘me’ with the image others expect–that of a ‘normal’ person who has passions and desires. I care about nothing–not politics or current events, not my friends or family or other people, not sports or music or art. Outwardly, I am a high-achieving, well-rounded student. I do well in every subject and participate in a variety of extracurricular activities, some of which I hold leadership positions in. However, none of them truly interests me, and I only continue them to get into college. Nothing ‘outside’ school much concerns me either. The various problems of society don’t matter to me, even when I’m affected. Occasionally a particularly poignant tragedy or example will make feel like helping out, but on the whole, I am completely apathetic. The same goes for the social aspects of my life. My childhood, family, and friendships were and are normal, but I do not have emotional connections to anyone; if somebody ‘close’ to me died, I would only be concerned with how it would affect my own convenience. I don’t have any academic, athletic, or arts-related interests either, and I do not believe the problem is lack of exposure. The only things I like to do are things that make me forget my existence and consciousness–playing games or reading a book or watching television, but the appreciation I have for those things is completely aesthetic and surface-level.

Left alone, I would be fine with this situation and content with engaging myself in passive activities for the rest of my life. However, society demands interaction. I sometimes have difficulty projecting the ‘right’ appearance in conversations and social interactions because I never feel anything (happiness at a friend’s success, sadness at someone’s death, gladness when someone praises me). Most days I do not have trouble interacting with people, but the times when I ‘mess up’ cause me great consternation because I am somewhat of a perfectionist and do not want people to think of me badly. I do not believe I have a social disorder because I understand what people mean and what kind of reaction to give–I just cannot act out that reaction because I do not truly feel it and I do not have enough acting prowess to express that emotion believably. People occasionally comment that my expression is too serious (that’s my default expression–blankness that is misinterpreted as seriousness, sadness, etc.), that I do not smile–in fact, I barely move, because I have trouble acting out body language as well even though I know what the proper response is. The emotions I do feel in social interactions are solely derived from self-consciousness–did I smile enough just then? Do I look relaxed? Most of all, do I look NORMAL? This kind of nervousness impedes my acting and therefore my daily interactions. Because I want to look what ‘normal’ is in any situation, I project different personalities to different people, causing conflicts when I deal with them together. I cannot just ‘let things go’ and be who I am–silent, still–in public; I want to look normal, but I can’t seem to force my body to comply.

What should I do? I want to make my social interactions normal so that I can live more conveniently–’conveniently’ in this case means in a state where my physical needs are attended to and I am left alone and not thought about much by others, where I fit in, so that when alone I can drown myself in fiction and escapist activities. If I have a disorder or psychological problem with this lack of emotions–perhaps a refusal to recognize them?–I want to be able to deal with it. However, I don’t think I could deal with speaking to a counselor in real life because my guard would always be up, always trying to act and never expressing what I truly mean. I won’t be trite and say that I am spiraling down into darkness, but this problem truly does bother me.

A: It sounds extremely exhausting to be constantly on guard worrying about the appropriateness of your social interactions, especially when your internal state doesn’t match your behavior.

I’m so glad that you are reaching out for help to find your way through this confusing situation. Yes, it does sound like there is a problem going on, either psychologically or medically. I recommend that you seek help from a counselor to get an evaluation, and to get a thorough physical exam from a physician. There are many medical and mental illnesses that can cause the blank feelings that you’re describing and the feeling of disconnection and despair. While I can’t diagnose you based on an email, the emptiness that you are describing sounds like severe depression. To learn more about the symptoms and treatment for different types of depression click here.

You mentioned that you’re not sure you can put your guard down with a counselor, but keep in mine that psychotherapists are trained to help you lower your guard over time, to help you get to the root of the problem, and to help you develop skills to live a more fulfilling life. Additionally, a therapist can help you resolve any life events or relationship problems that may have contributed to shutting down your emotions and help you to reconnect with who you are, how you feel, and what you want.

I have seen many clients in my clinical practice develop the disconnection that you are describing after experiencing trauma or loss as a way of protecting themselves against further pain. If you need help finding a good therapist in your area click the Find Help link on PsychCentral. Don’t wait. Life and relationships can be much more rewarding than what you are currently experiencing and there are many, many resources available to help you. Please let your parent, guardian, or school counselor know that you need help so they can support you and help you.

I urge you to get professional help so you can reconnect to your emotions and find joy and fulfillment in your life.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Originally appeared in my PsychCentral.com column

Would you tell your best friend…

I just chatted with Woman’s Day recently about if and how to address these touchy issues with your best friend:

Read the entire article on WomansDay.com

Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a performing songwriter, a licensed psychotherapist, a popular media contributor, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Watch Julie on KSL TV’s Studio 5, listen on B98.7 radio, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central, and Latter-day Woman Magazine. Follow Julie on Facebook & Twitter.

Q: Hi! I had a pretty unstable childhood growing up and worked really hard to accept the life I had and move on as well as love the life I have now.

The problem I struggle with is habits from my parents that I have adopted myself. I struggle with a temper problem when I feel things are getting out of control and it is becoming a huge problem for me. I want to not get so upset over little things and have prayed really hard for help. I know that my parents acted that way but I want to be different. So I guess my question is how can I overcome the way I was taught to act and be the person I know I can be? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

A: How wonderful that you recognize the need to better manage your temper and move beyond the negative patterns you absorbed from your parents.

I’ve worked with many clients who’ve had similar struggles and a strong desire to act in a more patient and kind way than their parents. Have you considered doing some counseling to work through some of the emotional pain, abandonment, and loss of your early experiences? If not, I’d like to suggest that you consider it. LDSCounselors.net is a great resource to find an LDS counselor in your area.

In my clinical experience, temper problems and other troubling behaviors usually stem from a “younger” part of your self, a part that holds unresolved pain, and can be seen as a signal that there is some earlier emotion or experience that needs attention. Here an example to illustrate this process. Say you have a sick child who is whining and needing extra attention for several days in a row. If, in your own childhood, you had to deal with your own pain, emotional or physical, alone or without adequate comfort from parents, feelings of resentment may arise in response to your child’s needs. It may feel unjust that he has someone to take care of him and you didn’t. That resentment may manifest itself as an angry outburst that seems to come out of nowhere.

In addition to counseling, start noticing the smaller physical cues that you’re starting to feel overwhelmed and that things “are getting out of control”. These cues may be tense shoulders, racing heart, confusion, feeling like you need to escape, to name a few. My guess is that you are still in the process of learning to recognize and attend to subtle emotional cues so the small signals build up until you have an outburst that requires your attention.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie

Send me your love & relationship questions here!

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Self & relationship expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW is wife of 22 years and mother of 4, a licensed therapist, a popular media contributor on KSL TV’s Studio 5, and director of Wasatch Family Therapy. Listen to Julie’s podcast You and Yours , on B98.7 radio as the Bee’s Family Counselor, and read her national advice columns on Psych Central and Latter-day Woman Magazine.

I chatted with Daphna Zohar from BYU’s Daily Universe about the importance of maintaining a sense of self while developing love relationships.

Read the entire article here…

Love and let live

1–Marriage Q & A: Date Night & I’m Never In The Mood

2–How To Stop Overreacting & Keep Your Cool

3–How’s Your Relationship with…You?

4–Love The Body You Have Today

5–How To Get Past Your Painful Past

6–Does My Child Have ADD? What To Do When The Teacher Calls

7–Spark? What Spark? Help For Parents To Rekindle Romance

8–How To Assess Your Child’s Self-esteem

9–Keeping Your Marriage Emotionally Hot

10–Confessions Of A Multitasking Mama (top post from last year still holding steady)

What do you think makes these posts stand out? I want to know. What topics do peak YOUR interest? Comment below (your email will remain private).

Facebook boosts self-esteem? | Tips for balancing marriage and kids | Getting past your past | Talking to your kids about world disasters…

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