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Make Enough Of Me To Go Around

Do you ever feel like there’s too much to do and not enough of you?

This is definitely a theme in my life. It doesn’t help that my hubby has 4 back to back business trips in a row and we’re only half way through. The good news is I’m heading to Southern California this afternoon to speak to hundreds of amazing women at a Deseret Book Time Out For Women weekend! I’ll be offering up a few thoughts on developing your authentic self, but ironically, I’ll be the one who comes away benefiting the most from spending time in the presence of so many good women and having my own “time out”.

While I’m sad to be leaving my family today, after several night of my 5 yr old coming into my bed and kicking me in the head I’m looking forward to uninterrupted sleep. I need my sleep…and the sunshine…and some time with other women who know what it’s like to feel “overwhelmed and underpaid” sometimes.

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Ask Julie: How Can I Get My Baby’s Father Back?

Q: My daughter is 3 now. Her father and I have been split up for almost 2 years now. Due to postpartum, hormones, stress, loss of a family member, and cancer health related issues I was having and needed treatment for. My emotions were too much. He had been dating a girl from his work for the amount of time we have been split up. I previously got engaged, and am now 7 months pregnant. This relationship failed. During this time of me not connecting my self and my previous EX fiance being too needy and clingy drowning every ounce of me. Playing games to see “how much I cared.” I couldn’t handle it anymore and shut my wall up. Trying to reason with him if I hadn’t at one time cared I wouldn’t be pregnant or previously engaged. Although that ended I feel relieved and not controlled. And our personalities were too different; I wanted the idea of him trying to fill the hurt.

Although being my daughter is 3 my ex (her father) and I keep in close contact. And being through these last 7 months of pregnancy I realized I missed him. And he’s whom I wanted and WANT to be with. Not someone who looks like him.

These last 7 months also made me realize that the way my ex fiance was treating me was very similar to the way I was treating my daughter’s father. Because I didn’t have the confidence to believe he cared enough to be there through my emotional roller coaster at the time. And now that this has hit me in the face and my life is in a positive place and knowing I was never happier I want him back.

Is there any advice you can give me on approaching my daughter’s father in time, to take the steps to try and make things work?

A: Thanks for writing in. It sounds like the last 3 years have been extremely stressful for you on many levels, some of which you had no control over, and other stresses that you chose. I know your question is regarding getting your ex-boyfriend back, but I hope you’ll consider that there are other things that need to be addressed before you get back into any relationship.

Please get in to a therapist to explore why you are having such difficulty in love relationships. To find a qualified therapist in your area click here. We often replay our childhood issues in adulthood and my guess is that there are some deeper unresolved issues playing out here.  My biggest concern is not how you’re going to get your ex back, but in you developing the stability and strength in yourself that your children will need in order to thrive, whether you’re in a relationship or not.  Rather than focusing on getting your daughter’s father back, I urge you to focus on being a strong person, and a strong mother for your children, and developing the confidence and the skills to maintain a healthy, long-term, committed relationship. Focus on being the kind of person that would attract a healthy and committed man to build a stable life for you and your children.

Please, be cautious about having more children until you have a healthy, long-term, committed, stable relationship. Focus on getting healthy yourself for the children you already have before you focusing on getting your daughter’s father back. Be the kind of woman he would want to be with. Once you’ve worked on yourself please get relationship counseling before you get into any relationship with your ex or anyone else.

Take good care of yourself and your children!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Tuesday Tunes: Keeper Of The Flame

Last month my husband and I were in England picking up my oldest son from a two-year full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. One Saturday night I forgot to turn off the sound on my cell phone and throughout the night I heard texts and tweets dinging. When I woke up, my husband said, “There’s something on your phone about President Monson. Groggy and confused I looked at my phone and there were several messages saying, “President Thomas S. Monson (President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) quoted your lyrics to ‘Keeper Of The Flame” last night in the General Young Women’s Conference!”

“Seriously?” I thought. My hubby and I went online to see if we could find the video. We found it and I watched in amazement as President Monson quoted me by name and read some of the lyrics to my song. When ever I’ve thought about it since I giggle and smile. What an incredible honor…

Watch the video (10:15 is where he quotes me lyrics)

Story Behind The Song

Since 1987 I’ve contributed songs for BYU’s Especially For Youth’s theme CD’s. Keeper Of The Flame was written for  the 1997 CD “Treasure The Truth”. I usually don’t like to write songs around certain topic because I usually write when things “come up” and prefer not to write “on demand.” Writing with a certain topic in mind tends to feel contrived and less honest to me. But this song was different. It did feel honest. In thinking about what truth I treasure it is my testimony and the experiences that have shaped it. By 1997 I had had enough life experience to know that there are many internal struggles and doubts and external life’s circumstances that can dim the flame of testimony if we’re not careful. I wanted to share with the youth the importance of guarding their flame of testimony, no matter what.

Download on iTunes

Keeper Of The Flame (Vocal by Katherine Nelson, 1997, From the CD “Treasure the Truth: Especially For Youth”

Keeper Of The Flame  (Vocal by Julie de Azevedo, 2003, from the CD “Window To His Love: Intimate Renditions of Inspirational Favorites)

Lyrics

Keeper Of The Flame

Believing, receiving the burning inside
Learning and yearning for greater light
Melting the frost
Moving the lost

Chorus
Through the winds of change
Encircled by the clouds of pain
I guard it with my life
I need the warmth I need the light
Though the storm will rage
I stand against the pounding rain
I remain a keeper of the flame

Inspiring fire blazing in truth
Living and giving
Leading to You
Filling my soul
Willing to go

Repeat Chorus

I remain a keeper of the flame

(c) 1997 Julie de Azevedo

Are there any of my songs that you’d like to know more about? Post your suggestions below.

Ask Julie: My Best Friend Is Suicidal

Q: My best friend is suicidal and I want to know if there is anything I can do to help her. She has already told her parents but they really aren’t doing anything to stop her. I have told a teacher at our school and the counselor but all they do is recommend seeing a psychiatrist. I am really worried about her she almost always has cuts all over her body arms, legs, and stomach. Her mother has been in and out of prison even before she was born. Her mother is also in right now and has been since she was 7. In the past few years she has had a lot happen, she lost her grandmother on her dad’s side two days before Christmas in 2008. Right after that she moved from a big house to a small one and in the process lost connection with her former best friend. Many of her animals outside died and she sat with one of her cats and had to watch it die after it got attacked by a dog. This past year she had her aunt on her dad’s side die and lost a lot of her friends. She also found out that her mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder by four different psychiatrists and borderline personality disorder by one or two. We were in seventh grade this year and for most of the second semester she was labeled a whore because of how she dresses and who hangs out with. This past summer is also when the cutting started it started off pretty bad but not frequent. It then went to minor burns and small scratches and then blew up again to bad cuts and they were very frequent. At the current moment she only has scars but is thinking about cutting herself again. I would just like an idea of what I could say to her to get her not to cut anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this (and respond if you do).

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Are You Emotionally Thick Or Thin Skinned?: Studio 5

Has someone accused you of being too sensitive  or suggested that you grow a thicker skin? Or maybe you’ve heard that you’re hard to read or that you’re a tough nut to crack?Those comments may be clues to your style of processing emotions. how much of your environment you let into your being and how aware you are of your feelings.

The boundary concept was developed and researched by Ernest Hartmann, MD, of Tufts University, and this concept was expanded further in the book Your Emotional Type by Michael A. Jawer and Marc S. Micozzi. Jawer and Micozzi’s research further explore “thick and thin” emotional types, suggesting that our minds and our bodies are connected, and that our emotional type impacts our predisposition to certain health conditions. “Different people process their feelings in different ways–your emotional style is a fundamental aspect of who you are. It affects more than just your outlook on life; it can affect your very well-being,” according to Jawer and Micozzi.

Are YOU thick or thin skinned?

Take The Boundary Test

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The Truth About Emotions (it’s ok to feel mad)

I have met with so many women in my therapy office who have shut down their emotions because they think it’s the right thing to do. Anger seems particularly difficult for women of faith to understand, manage, and express in healthy ways.

I’m honored to be a new presenter on Deseret Book’s Time Out For Women 2012 Tour “Seek The Good” talking on the topic of developing your most authentic self. Part of the message is the importance of honoring and feeling our emotions. Feelings are a gift to guide our lives. They aren’t “good” or “bad”. Feelings are INFORMATION to guide us to our most authentic self.

Here’s a video clip from a recent TOFW presentation about the importance of honoring our emotions…even anger.

(original post on TOFW.com)

I hope to see YOU at one of the TOFW cities this year!

Have you been taught to shut down “negative” feelings?
What have the consequences been for you? For your emotional and physical health?
How do you manage painful emotions in healthy ways?

Can Too Much Happiness Make You…Unhappy?

You may be surprised to learn that “moderation in all things” applies to moods, too. June Gruber, a professor of psychology at Yale University compares happiness to food. We need it, but too much of it can cause problems. While happiness is associated with a stronger immune response, longer life, and ability to endure painful experiences, it also has a dark side.

Happier people tend to:

1) Engage in riskier behavior

Dr. June Gruber’s research suggests that too much happiness can lead to higher levels of risk-taking behavior, excess alcohol and drug use, binge eating. Negative emotions, like fear, have a protective value warning of dangers.

2) Drop out of school earlier & earn less money

People with the highest life satisfaction at young ages are reported to drop out of school earlier and later in life have lower income levels earning about $3500 less than those who reported less life satisfaction in early ages according to research by Dr. Edward Diener.

3) Make snap judgments that reflect stereotyping

Dr. Galen Bodenhausen’s research in 1994 simulated a student court -  half the students were told to think about mundane activities from the previous day and the other half were put in a positive mood. The ones in a positive mood easily convicted Juan who beat up John while the others were divided.

4) Be more easily deceived

People want a happy jury of happy people are easier to deceive, can’t detect lies as easy and can’t tell a thief from an honest person as suggested by Dr. Joe Forgas’ research.

5) Be more selfish

Dr. Joe Forgas’ research found that when asked to divide raffle tickets, happier people keep more for themselves while sad people tend to divide tickets evenly.

Instead of focusing on trying to be happy:

1) Focus on developing high quality relationships
2) Engaging in meaningful activities that bring joy
3) Accept that negative emotions have their place

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson discovered that at a ratio of at least 3 to 1 positive to negative emotions is where people flourish and thrive in life and relationships.
(Read the Washing Post Article here)

Ask Julie: I’m Sexually Attracted To My Therapist

Okay, so recently I started getting therapy for a few issues in my life and I have this therapist. Obviously, it’s their job to listen and what not, but it’s such a new thing for me to have someone listen and understand!! I have normal relationships and what not, but I don’t talk about what’s going on in my life. And well, like I said, this therapist, he listens!! And I don’t know how it started, but now I’m attracted to him and think about him all the time. Yikes! And I had therapy the other day and I was feeling a bit awkward sometimes because in my head I was thinking about him sexually!! And he was right there in front of me. Not good but so good at the same time! But yeah nothing will happen anyway because 1. he’s my therapist and that goes against code and 2. he’s married anyway. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about him that way. I don’t know if I have control over my actions but don’t want to lose him as a therapist! And if I ask him for help about it, I guess I probably will. I can’t ask anyway… too awkward. And I don’t want to start again with a new therapist. So please give me some ideas! Oh, and if this helps in anyway, I have bipolar…. but I guess I’m not the first person in the world to be attracted to my therapist so maybe it doesn’t! (18 year old female who recently started therapy)

A: How wonderful that you are able to open up to your therapist and feel listened to. You are not alone in having a sexual attraction to your therapist and there’s a name for it — erotic transference — and it’s actually a quite common experience in therapy.  Transference can be worked through in the therapeutic relationship and that process can help you experience and resolve the deeper issues in your life. I hear that you are afraid of losing this relationship if you disclose your feelings to your therapist and that you’ll have to start all over.  Assuming your therapist is skilled and experienced, he will be able to help you work through this attraction.  Start slow in sharing your feelings. Let him know that you’re scared to share these feelings and that you want help to understand what they really mean.  When sharing your transference with your therapist, remember that your feelings are information about your deeper emotional longings, wounds, and needs, and are not about your actual relationship with your therapist. You’ll get through this. Thanks again for having the courage to write to “Ask the Therapist.”

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Ask Julie: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk To Me But I Don’t Want To Lose Him

Q: Me and my boy friend have been going out over 3 years and he always looked after me. I did meet him when I was homeless and I love him now more than anything.  He knows I do but I think he lost interest in me he always tells me to shut up and he never hardly talks with me. He never spend time with me or rings me anymore and he don’t really cuddle up with me.  He just says, “keep still and stop making a sound”. He’s always working and with his friends and because I’m always depressed. When I start crying to myself before he come in and say what’s wrong, I tell him and he goes shut up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t have any one else.

A: Thank you for writing in for help. It sounds like you feel very alone so you are clinging to a man who is mean to you. Your situation seems less about your boyfriend and more about the fact that you don’t have other relationships to turn to for comfort and for help. Do you have any friends or family to turn to for assistance? Are there women’s shelters or government resources in your area of the UK that might be a resource for you?

Your boyfriend is mistreating you and his abusive behavior is saying either: 1) he doesn’t know how to be close to you or 2) he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Please take this opportunity to focus on building your own life, getting help for your depression, meeting new people, and developing your skills instead of clinging to a relationship with someone who is rejecting you.  Check with your local mental health agency to get information about social services so you can feel better about yourself, treat your depression and help you build additional social support networks. Please get help for yourself so you can move on and let your boyfriend go.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Ask Julie: Mother-in-law Passed Away and Left Us $50,000 In Debt

Q: To start off I was best friends with my wife’s mother. She took me in and gave me a family. Within the last 2 years both my wife’s mother and grand father passed away. My wife and I lived with them before we got married.

We ended up getting married twice, once in a church and once in my mother in law’s room at the nursing home. She was 46 years old when she died and it happened this past march.

Since then I have found that we have tons of money to pay out in inheritance tax and to her medical bills if we want to keep our house. My wife has stopped doing anything around the house and she won’t go do any of the legal things that need to be done by her.

How can I get her more motivated without hurting her feelings and how can I keep my sanity though out all of this. I don’t really know what to do to get myself motivated to be happier.

A: I am so sorry to hear about your recent family losses and financial difficulties. You’ve both lost two important support people, and while they can’t be replaced, it important for you and your wife to get additional support during this difficult time. While grieving is different for every person, it seems that your wife’s grieving may have turned into depression. Her “lack of motivation” and difficulty functioning may not be something she can control at this point.  Your difficulty being happy is also concerning to me and I recommend that both of you get an assessment for depression by a mental health professional. I also want to encourage you to seek out a grief counselor to help you process your losses, and a grief group so you can talk with other families who are going through similar experiences. To find a therapist and a group in your area click here.

In addition to mental health support, please seek professional advice on your legal and financial matters surrounding your mother-in-law’s passing, if you haven’t already done so. Tax issues and liability for medical bills can be complex and very stressful.

Thank you again for writing.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW