http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/ask-julie/ask-julie-sharing-difficult-feelings/ Julie de Azevedo Hanks | Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:50:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/ask-julie/ask-julie-sharing-difficult-feelings/comment-page-1/#comment-316 Julie Hanks » Best of 2010 on Julie Hanks.com Sat, 08 Jan 2011 22:20:33 +0000 http://www.juliehanks.com/?p=634#comment-316 [...] Ask Julie: Sharing Difficult Feelings [...] [...] Ask Julie: Sharing Difficult Feelings [...]

]]> http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/ask-julie/ask-julie-sharing-difficult-feelings/comment-page-1/#comment-42 Doug Brinley Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:45:26 +0000 http://www.juliehanks.com/?p=634#comment-42 There are a number of issues in this example. First of all - what is it they 'argue' about? Is it a reoccuring argument (sex? money? children? parenting?) Let's deal with why arguments are going on in the first place between these two. If we could eliminate the arguments in the first place, we could resolve her feeling put-down by the way he 'argues.' Secondly, there is a need for meta-communication on the wife's part with her husband. (When times are good, she says something like this: "I need your help with something that seems to come up a lot when you and I disagree on something. I always feel like you come on pretty strong and put me down when I am sharing my honest feelings, and I need to understand why you are willing to do that.....(or whatever describes what he is doing to her and her feelings about it). If her husband understands how he affects his wife so negatively, perhaps he would not go that route (if he has any humility and wants to be a better husband himself.) Thirdly, she needs to share with him what affect his put-downs, sarcasm, criticism, etc., are having on her. But I think the first problem to resolve is to know why they are fighting/arguing in the first place. Despite common perceptions that fighting may sometimes be valuable, it has no place in a loving marriage. Discussions, yes, but not hurtful arguments/put-downs. Where is the respect/love/appreciation, etc? They need a little conflict resolution review. Perhaps she is not good at complimenting him - and he shows his 'need for them' by fishing for them in the wrong way which ends up in a confrontation. Most couples that I know who are fighting/arguing have stopped complimenting each other and 'love feelings' are diminished by the lack of positives. There are a number of issues in this example. First of all – what is it they ‘argue’ about? Is it a reoccuring argument (sex? money? children? parenting?) Let’s deal with why arguments are going on in the first place between these two. If we could eliminate the arguments in the first place, we could resolve her feeling put-down by the way he ‘argues.’ Secondly, there is a need for meta-communication on the wife’s part with her husband. (When times are good, she says something like this: “I need your help with something that seems to come up a lot when you and I disagree on something. I always feel like you come on pretty strong and put me down when I am sharing my honest feelings, and I need to understand why you are willing to do that…..(or whatever describes what he is doing to her and her feelings about it). If her husband understands how he affects his wife so negatively, perhaps he would not go that route (if he has any humility and wants to be a better husband himself.)
Thirdly, she needs to share with him what affect his put-downs, sarcasm, criticism, etc., are having on her.
But I think the first problem to resolve is to know why they are fighting/arguing in the first place. Despite common perceptions that fighting may sometimes be valuable, it has no place in a loving marriage. Discussions, yes, but not hurtful arguments/put-downs. Where is the respect/love/appreciation, etc? They need a little conflict resolution review.
Perhaps she is not good at complimenting him – and he shows his ‘need for them’ by fishing for them in the wrong way which ends up in a confrontation.
Most couples that I know who are fighting/arguing have stopped complimenting each other and ‘love feelings’ are diminished by the lack of positives.

]]> http://www.juliehanks.com/relationships-emotional-health/ask-julie/ask-julie-sharing-difficult-feelings/comment-page-1/#comment-41 Joni Allen Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:35:09 +0000 http://www.juliehanks.com/?p=634#comment-41 Married 26 years, and this was what I needed to hear today. Thanks! Married 26 years, and this was what I needed to hear today. Thanks!

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